Ohhh The Insanity Of It All

[pretty]

I read, but not sure what to say, also not sure you know what you want people to say Gonna try and offer a few things anyway.

It does sound like it's all about control. Is there something you feel out of control of? Is there another, healthy way you can do stuff so that you feel in control even in a more general way?

Replacing si with something else would suggest that you do still need it. Could you work on accepting that and trying to find healthy alternatives?

Just some ideas and thoughts. If they're rubbish it's cos I'm tired

[fire.bird]

ditto to notevenpretty. can you talk some more about the feelings that lead to the cycle, here? would it help?

responding, very specifically, to the eating issue... i did that too, when i first started trying to stop SI. and it's just as you described ... you get to where even the sight of food makes you ill.

and what i did, for awhile, with that, to try to get back to healthy thinking about food, was just be very gentle with myself about it. it went something like this, in my head:

"you need to eat, ."
"i know. i know. but i don't want to."
"i know you don't want to. but i'm going to have to make you."
"please don't make me. i can't. it makes me ill."
"ok...is there any food that you can think of that sounds good to you right now? is there any single food that you think won't make you ill?"

and at this point, there always was. even if it was just orange juice. or yogurt. or a single ritz cracker.

and then i'd say "ok, then eat a little of that. just a little. just until you feel full." which, if you haven't been eating for awhile, is very soon.

and then i'd tell myself good job for doing that much. and 30 minutes later, i'd say again "ok, is there anything that sounds good?" and maybe this time it was vegetable soup. or canned peaches. or hummus. whatever. and i'd eat just a little of it, just until i felt full. and try to accept that that was all i could eat at that moment, that it was ok that that was all i could eat at that moment, and that in another moment i'd try again.

'cause the thing is... after you've been not eating for awhile ... the problem's not "just" in your head. your body starts to reject food. the same as it does if you've had the flu for a week and then try to eat a lot at once. it just doesn't work. you have to baby it... take it slow and easy. gently, both with your head and with your stomach.

i'm so sorry things are bad right now.


~b