Before

[Stellaria]

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
Not sure, I mean it's not like one specific incident. Has been some stress lately, issues with one of my sons, the death of my boyfriend's brother (I didn't know him personally, it's just generally a bit hard for me to deal with family deaths, I feel guilty for not feeling sad).

I have been feeling more and more low over several weeks though.

Now I'm sick of even trying. I look ahead and there is nothing. Life isn't bad, it's me who can't appreciate it.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
I guess so. Many times. Feels like Groundhog day (the movie).
Various things, from talk to someone, sleep, take long walks, to go ahead and si/od. Get new meds.
I can't say, sometimes better, sometimes as bad or worse. It's blurry now.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
In the last few days, I have talked a little to boyfriend and my best friend. Talked to T. Written a little. Done some good things such as walk outside, housework, help b/f, see a friend even though I felt like isolating, start a handicrafts project. Done some not so good stuff (just not si).

I can go have a cold shower. Have coffee. Keep busy typing. Go back to sleep. Go to pointless work rehab.

How do I feel right now?
My chest hurts. I'm scared and feel trapped. Things seem unreal. I see graphic visions in my head, and feel guilty for having these thoughts of hurting myself.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
Relief. No more fighting. Not caring.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
I don't know. If I feel bad, that seems appropriate.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
I don't know how much of a future there will be. Judging by history, not really.

Do I need to hurt myself?
No, nobody needs to hurt themselves. I want to. I don't know if I will. I will go have that shower now.

[Jomomma]

Has it helped to talk to your bf or friend?
Could you talk some more?


To help counteract the visions in your mind have you tried watching silly tv shows or cartoons to help take your mind off it?

[Stellaria]

Thanks for comments Jo. Didn't think I would get a reply.

Talking is so hard. On one hand I want to get things out, but I end up in negativity and then feel ashamed of pushing it onto those closest to me. I can sense that they want to help, but I can't specify what they can do to help, so I only leave them more frustrated. I find it very hard to stand me, it's a bit much to ask anyone else to.

I haven't given in yet. Had a shower and coffee. Put some laundry to wash. Watched kids tv, except I couldn't really focus so I just left it on for the noise, and did crochet. Went to sleep for a while. B/f is home for a long lunch break now, I'm not about to do anything with him around. When he goes back to work in a moment, I think I should go out for a bit despite the yucky weather.

Not fixing anything, but I sort of don't know what to fix. So I'm stalling. I'm good at that.

[pretty]

Hey

Firstly, I think it's really positive that you're trying lots of things to distract yourself or put off si'ing.

Talking is good, cos it puts the thoughts outside of your head, which (for me at least) makes them seem much less overwhelming. It's hard to see sometimes, but people around you listen cos they care and want to help. If it's too much for them, it's their responsibility to pull away. Only they konw when it's too much, and it's up to them to say so. They don't see you in the same light as you see yourself; I'm sure they wouldn't stick around if they found you hard to put up with. If they're willing to listen, make the most of it Easier said than done someimes though, I know.

Sometimes I think all you can do is do crochet, drink coffee, go out, do chores, stay busy and ride it out. Stalling is perfectly ok. It feels kinda crappy to not be fixing anything, but it's better than giving in to the urges.

What did your t suggest if anything?

Is there anything you can do which'll remind you that life is pretty good? Something you enjoy or which makes you feel good? Would that help? Something to just give you a small break from feeling bad?

All of this is easy for me to say but I imagine quite hard for you. Some stuff to maybe think about though.

Life isn't bad, it's me who can't appreciate it.

I think an awful lot of people round here can relate to that if they're honest. I <i>certainly</i> can.

[Jomomma]

Talking is so hard. On one hand I want to get things out, but I end up in negativity and then feel ashamed of pushing it onto those closest to me. I can sense that they want to help, but I can't specify what they can do to help, so I only leave them more frustrated. I find it very hard to stand me, it's a bit much to ask anyone else to.

Get out of my head
This is something I have said more times than I can count.
Most times Ihave no idea what I want or need. I know I have talked about this with my girlfriend on more than one occasion and I have started to realize that what I need is just to know I am not alone , that someone does care, and that what I think matters. Even if I can figure out what it is that I want I have no idea how to ask for it. Another thing I have learned is that sometimes talking doesn't get me where I need to be. On one occasion I just needed to be held and cry it out.

Stalling is perfectly ok.
Thisis one time in life when procrastination is a very good thing.
I am the queen of procrastinating so if you need pointers just ask

[Stellaria]

It's hard to see sometimes, but people around you listen cos they care and want to help. If it's too much for them, it's their responsibility to pull away. Only they konw when it's too much, and it's up to them to say so.

There is definitely some selfishness involved on my side - people tend to get into some variation of how sad it makes them to see me hurt, how I'm needed, how I should ask for help. Major guilt inducers for me. I don't want to deal with their pain on top of my own, esp. not if I'm causing it. I know it's perfectly natural for people to say these things when they are worried, I'm sure I have done the same. But I just can't take it right now.

When I saw T, we didn't talk much about actual practical stuff, got lost in more philosophical discussion. He tried to encourage me, that he thinks I would be able to do anything I set my mind to, that I'm going to get better, that he doesn't think I'm suicidal (but all phrased a bit better). I can't really take it to heart though.

Get out of my head

Another thing I have learned is that sometimes talking doesn't get me where I need to be. On one occasion I just needed to be held and cry it out.

Yes, that happens. It can be such a physical need just to be held, and I'm so lucky to have someone to hold me.

Right now talking doesn't get me far, and hugs are not enough. I want to feel a connection on some other level... I want to be able to feel close, to people, to life. I don't feel shut out by others, but I can't see myself as quite human.

Ok, it's probably worth it to write this down anyway, maybe I will look at things from another perspective tomorrow. Stranger things have happened.

Yeah, I'll go procrastinate some more... It's early evening here so I should be ok for now, morning is my bad time.

Thanks girls for talking to me.

[plantt]

couple more comments

graphic thoughts can be difficult to deal with. actually any thought can be
personally sometimes i get so caught up in the 'my gosh i'm having *these* thoughts again. how awful. they just don't stop. they shouldn't be here. etcetcetcetc' that i forget that they're 'just' thoughts. sometimes it can help to stop & think 'wow. there go those thoughts again ' & just go on & do whatever i need to do at the time.
it doesn't always stop the thoughts. it keeps me from feeling so connected to them & focusing so fully on them & being upset that they're there at all.

i'm glad that you realize you don't 'need' to hurt yourself. 'wants' can feel really similar & are hard enough to deal with...

hope you're still hanging in there