before... never done this.

[~*Star*~]

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
i wont feel scared. i will feel more real because ive seen blood and bits of me. i dont feel like me at the moment and if i cut it will make me more me. it will stop me from being scared.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation? it will bring blood. it will bring me doing something, and it will take away being scared. but it will leave me with scars. i just need to stop feeling like this.


how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way? i want to feel that it is ok to leave the house. i need to know its gona be ok and if i cut it will make it more ok because i will be me. it might make it worse. if i am like this again then i might cut because i did this time. but i might not feel like this again. i dont know.


if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then? it will last a couple of hours. until i realise im a prick. but right now that doesnt matter as if i do anything else i still wont be me. i can do loads of things and ive been doing things but they dont work and i know cutting will because its blood and its me and i need to. dont know what i will do later. maybe cut again? ok thats bad.


what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then? i could do more of what im doing now. talking to people on msn about random tihngs? but i feel scared still. keep thinking of going outside. am terrified of oging out. dont wana leave this room right now. everywhere else is scary. it wont change the situation because i dont know how i feel right now so i cant say it. distracting aint working today.


how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with? tomorrow i will feel scared still. because cutting isnt going to solve me going to outside in the long run. but i will feel not as scared because i will be me again if i have cut. because i havent for about a week now and i need to. but ill feel better if i dont?


what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now? go to sleep. but cant because have to leave the room. so something in here. i dont know what it is which is saying cut. i know its not the proper thing to do but it helps me. and now im half and half on this. i really want to stop feeling this, i want to think about school and not feel physically sick. not really school, want to tihnk about leaving the house and feel ok with that. leaving this room and feeling ok.

ok now im in two minds. that kinda helped. dont feel so definite about doing it now. gona give myself an hour then might do some more.

still really scared. but sensible emma is saying dont cut now.

[~*Star*~]

Its now gone half 9 so here we go again....

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
i want to so i am real. im me again. if im gona bleed, im me again. what has bought me to this point? not feeling myself because im terrified of any form of going outside, and thinking that if i cut myself things will get better. which sensible bit of me is saying is illogical.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then? no. which is why im freaking out even more. ive never wanted to si for these feelings as ive never felt them.


What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me? i have talked to my friend. but she has gone offline now. and i have replied to people on bus which always makes me feel better, and it did for awhile. and i have listened to music. and ive not thought about going outside, and then i did and im back to square one.


How do I feel right now?
confused. uncomfortable. angry. tired. scared. angry again.


How will I feel when I am hurting myself? relief. free. more open.


How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning? tomorrow i will feel bad for hurting myself. but i will still feel scared about going outside. so no different to now. except i will have cut. but directly after and for abit after i will feel ok, and glad i did it cos i will feel me.


Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future? i dont know because ive never experienced this.


Do I need to hurt myself? yes............. no. needs and wants are 2 different things. emma wants to still but emma thinks now that she doesnt need to.

[Wandering]

Hi, how did it go, what did you decide to do in the end?

Have you tried journalling? Or drawing/painting/anything like that? Sometimes getting how you're feeling down on paper makes it clearer than when its all in your head.

Why do you think you're not feeling real? Can you manage to brainstorm any other ways you can help yourself to feel more real next time, other than cutting?

I don't have any great ideas, sorry. But I am sure there is another way you can get through these feelings other than SI, its just finding ways that work.

Take care
Andrea