Before post

[eatredapples]

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

I've felt a bit down since I went and saw Hide & Seek. Then I sat and waited for my mom because she was in a different movie. I just felt all weird inside. Then at dinner I was reminded of something she said 4-5 years ago. It comes and goes, and it just hasn't gone yet. It's just really bugging me today. I just think it'll stop if I hurt myself, and I really want it to stop. It's like it's becoming not just a brief, superficial thought anymore, like it usually is.


Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

I've wanted to hurt myself before, but not really over this. I've filled this thing out before, as I'm doing again. I've colored before, but I haven't done that yet. I just feel tired...maybe I should go to sleep and tape the show I usually watch.


What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

I watched a bit of tv, then got online. My friend started chatting with me, but that's pretty much done now, it seems. I really don't know what to do...I'm just really tired.


How do I feel right now?

Very blah. I feel light and heavy right now. And sad.


How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

Focused. I'd put all my thoughts on that one action.


How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

Better, like everything will stop for a bit, and then maybe it'll be like a restart, but without thoughts. I'll be calm and it'll be like this wave has leveled out.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

Usually it just leaves after a few minutes, but I can't stop thinking about it. I need to not let it pester me. I don't know what to do about it.


Do I need to hurt myself?

I'm not sure how I want to answer this. I think yes and no, even though I know the answer is supposed to be no.

[Wendy]

Hi,

Coloring and sleeping are both good. I always feel the most urges when I'm tired. Do you have anyone in real life that you can talk to about your feelings? Have you tried journaling -- writing your feelings down longhand. Those are things that have sometimes helped me. I'm glad you posted here -- I've found it helps me when I do.

Take gentle care!

Wendy

[eatredapples]

I've been to three therapists/psychiatrists, and I would talk to them (well, not so much my last one) but I don't see anyone anymore. I ended up not sharing quite a bit because I just didn't want to seem weird or anything. Maybe that wasn't the best thing, but I can't really change it now. I don't really talk to anyone know. I don't even know if I'd want to because I don't want people (friends) to think I'm strange.

I have been thinking about telling my friend that I used to cut. I won't mention that I have a couple times recently, because I don't plan to get back into it...they were just slip-ups. But then I don't want to burden her with that, and I wouldn't want her to tell anyone (like her boyfriend), but that's not fair to her. I remember in high school there was a group of us and we got on the subject, and I think she said she tried hurting herself once, but she couldn't do it because it hurt too much. I think she would understand, though, but I don't want to put her in an akward situation, and I don't know what telling her would do in the long run.

I do have a journal on lj--made a new name. I've written a bit in it, and it does help some. I'm afraid to write in a journal in case my mom finds it. She did look through my room once before, and that's when she found out I was seeing a therapist and cutting (this was in 2001). I've never kept anything in my room that's private since then. She doesn't look anymore (I can tell when she does) but I still get nervous about it. So lj was the next best thing. I ended up jotting something quickly on lj, then went to bed. Once I got to bed I didn't want to get up, so that helped a lot.

Thanks for your reply. I think I'll try journaling even more during those times.