after. :(

[Never Again]

have you taken care of your physiacl wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
yup. all bandaged up.


what had happened just before?
my mom was accusing me of things that i'd never do. it hurt me a lot that she would say things like that about me... i've never done anything of the sort... and am hurt that she thinks i'm like that.


what were you thinking and feeling?
i was very anxious and upset... having withdrawal from going off of risperdal cold turkey. just needed relief, and fast. i'm so tired from nightmares and just not sleeping. i'm tired of the flashbacks haunting me all the time. it was all too much that hit me at once, and i couldn't handle it.


why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was teh final straw? what was it?
i just didn't have the strength to fight anymore. i don't have to strength to fight my mom. i hadn't si'd for 2 days, and i had 2 days worth of shit built up. it was only going to get worse.


how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events thatled up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decisiona nd not arrived at the final straw.
i felt so isolated and alone. i wanted so much for my mom to be happy for me that i was finally strong enough to go back out on my own, and get my own apartment. instead, she was mean, and told me i'm a weak stupid girl. it was too much to take on top of everything else.

another thing... i could have waited until i see my new pdoc before i quit risperdal. but i think that's another form of si'ing. punishment thru withdrawal, it's not my first time fighting with this.


were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
see above... was up all night last night, still up tonight at 2am. serious insomnia. cold turkey off of risperdal. i actually fought off the urge to drink...promised my tdoc i wouldn't drink, and it's been really hard. at least i didn't break that promise. ugh... an alcoholic to boot. how many ways are there to mess up one's life...


what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
tonight, i didn't even try. i didn't have the energy or strength... or even the desire to fight it. i wanted it so bad.
the last 2 days i've been journaling a lot, breathing, i called my tdoc. it got me thru for 2 days though...


in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
when i got to that point where i wanted to hurt myself so bad, and didn't even care... i should have picked up the phone and called my tdoc or a crisis line. that's when i need them most... when i simply don't care anymore.


name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
damn, i have no idea. i knew those were the right things to do ahead of time, and when the urge got to be too strong none of that mattered.


how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
no it isn't and that worries me... i'll be in the same place the next time i get overloaded. i don't know what to do besides hide.


what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying
call my tdoc... but i just broke that commitment tonight. so much for contracts. it's like heroin. nothing seems to matter when you get to that point. i broke a contract with my tdoc just so i could get one minute of relief and turn myself into some kind of deformed freak.

journal... sometimes that makes me tired and and i'm too tired to act on any urges.

errr... since drinking is out... ummm.... how about....
hmm.... play the games on this site. they're a good distraction.


thanks,
beth

[Wendy]

Hey I'm sorry things are so hard. It's especially rough when your mom treats you with disrespect. The going cold Turkey sounds really hard too. I understand how it feels to not even want to try to fight it or to call for help. It means you're in a lot of pain -- not that you're bad. It's normal to want the pain to go away. I find for myself prevention works a lot better than trying to stop it when the urges get that strong. Is there other support in your life you can reach out to -- not just for SI but for every day support? Making a list of the things you're proud about yourself for might help too (even if Mom doesn't give them to you -- you can acknowledge your own progress and efforts). I just SI'd myself, so I'm no guru, but I know prevention works best for me when I do it -- fraid this time I didn't do it. Take gentle care!

Hugs, (if okay)
Wendy

[treesleeper]

Hey Beth,
It sounds like you're going through a really rough time. I just wanted you to know that I read your post and I hope things get better. *hugs* (if ok).

I think it's awesome that you feel you're ready to get out on your own. I wish I had enough confidence to do that. Please don't let your mom's comments discourage you. She is wrong about you- you're fighting as hard as you can. You went two days without si'ing when you really wanted to, and to me that says something about how strong you are.

Take care,

-ts