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tools to help you assess your urges before you give in to them, and to help you understand and learn from slips after they happen. by posting here, you're saying that you are serious about exploring the feelings behind your self-harm in depth, whether you're ready to stop hurting yourself or not. to request posting access, click usergroups above and join before and after.

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sadgirl2
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Post by sadgirl2 » Fri Jan 28, 2005 4:36 pm

:(

Have you taken care of your physiacl wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait. Yes


What had happened just before? This is stupid, but here goes. I had made an agreement with my husband that I would get an hour "alone time" each night to journal, go on the message boards, etc. I was getting so depressed each night after work our marriage councelier thought it might help. Last night I had a little bit of homework left to do for my Saturday class. My husband made a comment like okay this goes towards your hour. My son needed to use the computer. So I did my homework which took about 20 minutes and did do my hour. A little later I just went downhill mood wise very fast. I just got really depressed and in alot of pain.


What were you thinking and feeling? That I had to get out of pain. I was afraid if I let it go too long I would hurt myself too much.


why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was teh final straw? what was it? I guess I really needed some alone time. I had several things come up through out the day where I did what someone else wanted me to do when I really didn't want to do it.


How did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events thatled up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decisiona nd not arrived at the final straw.

I have traced it back in earlier questions. I just don't know why my mood dropped so much so fast.

Were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how? Maybe lack of sleep. I haven't been sleeping very well. My husband and I have been married for 15 years. He has always come up with an excuse of why he couldn't sleep in our bed. Recently after I told him some of the things that I had a problem with in our marriage, he has started sleeping in our bed. The problem is we haven't done this our whole marriage and I am having a hard time sleeping some nights.

What other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work? I'll be honest. This time I just tried to ignore it, but didn't try the things I would normally try. I was just in too much pain.


In retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they? I'm trying to find something that will work in this situation. It seems to be when the pain gets past a certain point, I can't find anything else that will help. I need to review the coping list again and see if I can find something. Sometimes I take a sleeping pill and go to bed.

How do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution? I think the last straw was a stupid thing to set this off. So what I didn't get my hour. I shouldn't resort to this. Whats crazy is that I wanted to be able to say I have been SI free for a week, two weeks, ... I was thinking about yesterday morning...


Are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation? Yes, most likely. I need to recognize my mood before it gets to this point so that I can use a coping method earlier.


What will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.

1. Earlier recognition
2. Journal or message board
3. Watch a tv show, read a book, do a puzzle...

Thanks, Terri
Terri

** Belief in yourself is the first step to success ** If I only did... **

Place:http://buslist.org/phpBB/viewtopic.php? ... 4#p3720444

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Post by Wendy » Fri Jan 28, 2005 7:39 pm

Hi Terry,

I've been married 18 years and know how the controling stuff can add up quickly. Something you wrote:

I guess I really needed some alone time. I had several things come up through out the day where I did what someone else wanted me to do when I really didn't want to do it.

reminded me of the kind of thing that makes it likely for me to SI. Saying yes when you want to say no. I'm thinking that maybe both of us need to learn to set better boundaries, so that we don't have all that frustration later that we end up taking out on ourselves.

Good luck to you!

Hugs (if okay)
Wendy

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Thanks Wendy

Post by sadgirl2 » Fri Jan 28, 2005 9:08 pm

Thanks Wendy,

I know your right. I have been working on it. I just need to work a little harder....
Terri

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Re: Thanks Wendy

Post by Wendy » Fri Jan 28, 2005 11:13 pm

sadgirl2 wrote:Thanks Wendy,

I know your right. I have been working on it. I just need to work a little harder....
Yeah ... me too!

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Another After Post

Post by sadgirl2 » Sat Jan 29, 2005 4:40 am



have you taken care of your physiacl wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
Yes - I put burn cream on it

what had happened just before?
I'll have to retrace my steps. I've been really depressed lately and SI seems better than what I really want to do. My steps...My son called me at work saying he was really not feeling good. I had him lie down and when I got home saw him sleeping on the couch in his dad's spot - but let him sleep. When his dad got home he woke him up and said he had to move and go to bed. My son, was upset...he said we didn't care that he didn't feel good. It hurt me to hear that. I would have just let him sleep. I could tell he had a fever and I knew he had a bad headache...

What were you thinking and feeling?
I think I already answered this. I hurt for my son. I thought my husband could have been a little nicer about it. I was already in emotional pain - really bad. So it didn't help...


Why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
I finally had a minute alone and I just couldn't take it anymore. I had been thinking about it all day. The thing is I want to be SI free. Right now I'm having a hard time making from day to day.

Were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
I'm thinking I may need a change in medicine. I see my psychiatrist in a couple weeks so I'm trying to wait it out. I was doing so well the last time he saw me, I feel like I'm letting everyone down.


What other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?

1. I tried to keep busy all day and keep taking my thoughs away from SI'ing.
2. I posted on the boards.
3. I cuddled up in bed with my blankets (my favorite, safe place)


in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
At this point I think my mood is getting so low that I don't know of any that would work. I'm thinking of working on a puzzle - it worked before.
I'm also going to get a good nights sleep.

Name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
1. Write a list and keep it in my wallet.
2. My scars will remind me...

How do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution
?
I went and talked to my son. He doesn't feel as bad about it. At least not at me. I think it will take a long time until he feels better about his dad.


Are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
Unfortunately, right now I have several problems that I'm trying to resolve and until they get resolved I am going to be facing a hard time. I think as I make new boundries and good decisions it will get better. It won't happen over night - but I will make progress.

What will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
1. Taking my hour alone time and not letting anyone take it away from me.
2. Talk to someone and tell them how I'm feeling.
3. Do something to keep my mind off bad thoughts.

Thanks, Terri
Terri

** Belief in yourself is the first step to success ** If I only did... **

Place:http://buslist.org/phpBB/viewtopic.php? ... 4#p3720444

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Post by Wendy » Sat Jan 29, 2005 3:42 pm

Hi Terri,

Things really sound difficult now. I know seeing your kids hurt is so hard and unfortunately you can't control all those things that would hurt them. I'm glad you had a talk with your son.

If the medication needs adjusting, I would encourage you to contact your doctor sooner. My understanding is that just because they worked at one point doesn't mean they won't need to be adjusted later -- that's not your fault. Just how bodies get used to medication.

Are you seeing a counselor or do you have any other IRL support who knows about your SI? Telling someone was the hardest thing for me,but it helps. The counselor especially helps. I haven't gotten to totally licked either, but it has improved and knowing I'm not all on my own is really encouraging. I hope you'll seek out IRL support and be gentle with yourself emotionally too. SI is better than other alternatives. You're
kid(s?) need you here. Don't beat yourself up for using the best tool you know of while you're learning better tools. If you really want to quit, and I hear you that you do -- you can do this. But the first step is stopping the SI (emotionally beating yourself up) in your own mind. I know for me that is usually soon followed by the physical SI which hurts a lot less than the things I tell myself about myself.

Take gentle care,
Wendy

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Thanks for your response

Post by sadgirl2 » Sun Jan 30, 2005 5:31 am


Wendy - thanks for your response. It's hard for me to handle people showing care or concern. It's just me. I don't feel worthy.

I'll think about calling the doctor. It's not too much longer to wait - maybe I'll see if I can move the appointment up. I really don't like to bother a doctor if I don't have an appointment.

I do have a therapist. I usually share my board writings with her. She does know about my SI'ing. She is helping me to set up boundries at home and work. I'm able to set up some boundries - but I do have the problem with feeling so down, thinking about hurting myself. SI'ing alot lately just to keep me from doing worse. I have so much been looking forward to say that I have been SI free for XX days, weeks...I still will work to get there. I just think for right now I need to allow myself to do this until I can get out of the darkness.

Thanks again for being there. I will try to live up to my end and try harder to get better. :(
Terri

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Post by Wendy » Sun Jan 30, 2005 4:46 pm

Hey Sadgirl,

I wasn't trying to should on you. I SI'd myself this past week and didn't even post on Before and After, because I felt I wasn't even commited enough to quitting. I know all about being hard on yourself. I'm glad you have a therapist and that you share your posts from BUS. I do the same sometimes. If SI is helping you survive right now, than it's something to be grateful for while you're learning gentler skills to survive.

Hugs(if okay)
Wendy

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Hugs and response's always welcome

Post by sadgirl2 » Sun Jan 30, 2005 7:48 pm

Thanks for the hugs Wendy
Terri

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Wendy

Post by sadgirl2 » Sun Jan 30, 2005 8:07 pm



Hugs for you...I almost forgot. We all need to help each other. If you ever need xtra support or someone to listen you are welcome to send me a PM.
Terri

** Belief in yourself is the first step to success ** If I only did... **

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