hey, I'm new here

[treesleeper]

Hey all,
This is my first post in before & after. I’m very dicouraged right now, so if anybody has any suggestions or thoughts I’d really appreciate them. Thank you all!

have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
Yes, I bandaged them.

what had happened just before?
My boyfriend called and told me he was going back to California. He said, “I’m going back.” Just like that. No attempt to soften the blow.

what were you thinking and feeling? I felt tears coming and I didn’t want to cry on the phone. I hate crying. I hate it when other people see or hear me cry, especially my bf. I hate sounding like the pathetic wimp that I am. So anyway, I reached for my tool almost automatically. I knew it would help me keep the tears in.

why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it? Just wanted to stop myself from crying. I needed to sound strong, to put up the front that the mere thought of his leaving wasn’t killing me. I needed to cut, right then and right there, to hold myself together.

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events thatled up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decisiona nd not arrived at the final straw. I suppose a root problem was my obsession with not crying. Maybe if I had more confidence in myself then I wouldn’t have been so panicked about it.

were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how? I’m kind of sick, but I don’t think that has anything to do with it.

what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work? Zero, zilch. It was the first thing that came to mind, and I did it immediately.

in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they? I could have done something else to calm myself down. I could have grabbed ice or taken some deep breaths.

name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again. I think the cuts are good enough reminders. I bought this beautiful skirt a few weeks ago as a kind of incentive, and I promised myself that when the old scars on my legs were healed I would wear it as a reward to myself. Knowing that, because I cut, I won’t be able to wear my skirt for a long time will be a good reminder for me.

how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution? I know that I need to like myself. I need to be confident enough in myself to be able to stomach the idea of life without a man constantly by my side, and I need to be able to let myself cry. How do I accomplish these things? I have no idea. I was hoping some of you might have suggestions.

are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation? I will probably face a lot more bf troubles in the coming weeks. I must be prepared to let myself cry, to not be ashamed of my emotions.

what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying. 1. I will take a few deep breaths. 2. As much as possible, I will detach myself emotionally from the situation and try to look at it objectively. 3. If I feel myself starting to lose control, I will remove myself from the situation for awhile. I’ll say “let me call you back later,” and I’ll get alone and let myself cry.

[Tiarin]

welcome to before and after.

i can relate to the problem of it being difficult to cry in front of someone else. i think that i am always hesitant to let anyone know that they've affected me that much; it makes me feel horribly vulnerable. anyway, i'm wondering if it would help to think more about what it means to you to cry. why does it feel so shameful? where did you learn that it was wrong? what does it mean for you to do it? how do you think others would react to it?

that sounds like a hard situation. please take care of yourself.

dragonfly

[Wandering]

Welcome! Well done for posting

I think to some extent you acted automatically in this situation (which sounds horrible - and I'm not particularly surprised you acted as you did). Looking back, you can see this, and have identified several 'better' responses. Its not that you don't know the alternatives. Personally, I suspect its really going to be about putting in a lot of effort on your part to change your thinking so you don't automatically turn to SI next time you're in a hard situation like this. Having said that, I'm sure its possible

I know that I need to like myself. I need to be confident enough in myself to be able to stomach the idea of life without a man constantly by my side, and I need to be able to let myself cry. How do I accomplish these things? I have no idea. I was hoping some of you might have suggestions

How about treating yourself. Doing simple things that are nice - ie have a bath with luxury bath bubbles, buy yourself something little - there's lots of these suggestions on the coping board. Every negative thought you have, counter it with a good comment, whether you believe it or not. If you keep telling yourself good things about yourself, they shoud gradually become part of your thinking, and improve your opinion of you.

I will probably face a lot more bf troubles in the coming weeks. I must be prepared to let myself cry, to not be ashamed of my emotions

Plan for these situations. If its likely to be when you're on the phone, put your tool in a hard to reach place in relation to the phone, and put other things that are healthier methods of coping in easier reach. Maybe put a note on your tool telling yourself to go squeeze some ice/breathe deeply for at least 3 minutes/whatever you think might help first. That way you might be able to break into the automatic process and stop yourself SI straight away, before you've processed whether you really want to do that or not.

3. If I feel myself starting to lose control, I will remove myself from the situation for awhile. I’ll say “let me call you back later,” and I’ll get alone and let myself cry.

Make sure you do let yourself cry, even if its only when you're alone. Bottling up your emotions permanently isn't healthy.

Take care
Andi

[treesleeper]

i'm wondering if it would help to think more about what it means to you to cry. why does it feel so shameful? where did you learn that it was wrong? what does it mean for you to do it? how do you think others would react to it?

Good questions. I had to think about them for quite awhile.

I suppose I want people to think that I'm strong enough not to cry. I want to be able to take pain with a straight face. I especially don't want people to think they have so much power over me, that they can make me cry.

Also I'm just flat tired of crying. I tear up a lot, and at the smallest things. I get so damn sick of it I just want to make it stop, no matter what it takes.

Thank you both for your kind and helpful replies! Y'all are fabulous.