before the 'before' - a place for wroking stuff out...

[Boogie Man]

ok i figure if im ever to get on top of my SI problem i gotta work some shit out, and the time to work that shit out is now...

i think the biggest 'road block' thats in the way of me stopping SI is my lack of understanding on the issue, more importantly my lack of understanding as to why i SI.
i know it seems strange that i wouldent know my own reasons for SI, but to just say that i use it as a coping mechinism seems a bit thin.

so this is what this thread is gonna be about - ie. me trying to understand why i SI, and also me trying to understand the thaughts and feelings that lurk behind my urges to SI.

i figure if i get this shit down then i can work out how to cope with it better (ie. with something other than SI). but for now i just wanna focus on the big 'why' and the feelings etc.

so welcome to boogie's mini-place for working shit out.
more posts will follow delving into the 'whys' behind my SI...

peace

[littlethings]

Sounds like a plan

When I was in the working shit out phase (well, still am...but when I was starting it anyway) I think the thing that helped me most was looking at my physical sensations before and after self-injury.

Example: before SI I usually felt tense, or had a headache
After: My stomach muscles were not as tight.

So from that I inferred that I sometimes used SI to relieve tension or anxiety. Seems pretty simplistic but it's a place to start...

Also, there is a book called (I believe) the "Scarred Soul" that has a series of questions that I found it helpful to answer...if you want some of the questions or more about the book, let me know.

JoAnna

[Wendy]

This sounds like a good idea. When I was first trying to figure things out, I hadn't a clue as to why I SI'd. For me what it turned out to be was things I wasn't saying (especially saying no to). I was wondering if there are things in your life that you're just going along with even though they don't feel good. Are there things you'd like to say but aren't -- being nice or being a peace maker?

Good luck in your quest!
Wendy

[Boogie Man]

thanks for your comments wendy and joanna.
jo i might PM you about that book you mentioned...

peace

[Boogie Man]

[POST #1 - FEELINGS BEFORE SI]

this post has been divided into mental and physical feelings...

mental
before i cut i usually to feel lost within myself, hopeless, and anxious. these are the three main feelings that are with me before i cut on most occasions. depending on the situation there might be other feelings that also crop up, these are mostly related to negative things that have happened to me. for example i might have failed an art exam at school, in that case i'd feel lost, hopeless and anxious, but i'd also feel angry, at myself for failing. this'll probably make more sense if i divide my feelings up into primary and secondary feelings...

primary feelings (internal feelings)

- lost
- hopeless
- anxious
- (some times) anger (self hate in particular)

secondary feelings (situation related feelings)

- anger
- sadness
- worried
- tiredness

i guess its important to note that the primary feelings arent always the most dominant ones when im feeling urgy, and that they can be triggered by situations like the secondary ones can. but unlike the secondary feelings, i seem generate the primary ones even when things in my life are fine.

physical
before i cut, my body becomes really tence, i feel pressure on the back of my neck, and my arms feel kinda tingly. its the same sorta thing i feel when im hanging out for a joint. it feels like my body is urging me to cut, its like i have a psysical craving for SI.

i think my physical reaction to my SI urges might be due in part to a build up of negative emotions within me, as i rarely express any emotion whatsoever.

[NOTES & TASKS]

since i suppress my feelings, i think i might have to work on staying with my feelings, recognising what they are, and how they affect my body, and in the end recognising that these feelings will pass in time, and that i dont need to SI to make them go away.

i also think that i should try to express my emotions, and not let them build up so much. i might have to ask my psychologist about ways to do that, since i am rather shy about expressing my emotions to my friends.

that just about wraps up post 1, im out for now...

peace

[Wendy]

I relate to how you describe your feelings. Mine are pretty much the same both mentally and physically. Learning to read your body is a good thing I think, so you can take healthy action before you get to the place you don't even want an alternative to SI.

I'm finding the since I've changed my diet and started getting more sleep, I've even less urgy. I guess having your body's needs taken care of allows one to handle feelings more effectively.

For me the other thing is seeking support before I get to the place where I'm not going to ask for it. Do you have people in your life who can be comfortable with you sharing your feelings and giving you validation and support?

Hugs,
Wendy