First step in a new direction *before*

[Mistress]

OK, this is my first try at this.. I'm hoping I can figure out what sets me off feeling like this and what I can do about it. I'm a little nervous, as this is a half step forward into taking some responsibility for what I do to myself, so even attempting this is a positive step ... any help greatly appreciated.

QUESTIONS
1. how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

I will get rid of this panicky I-can't-cope I'm-going-to-die feeling. I will relax, I may sleep some, I will hopefully get rid of the urge to overdose which I can't act on because I have no meds here. I will get rid of the need to scream and cry and give up. Maybe I'll get some medical attention, and this time they might take me seriously if the injuries are bad enough. (that feels disgustingly attention seeking and.. unworthy)

2. what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

It will bring in a coping skill I KNOW works. It will.. validate the pain I feel. I will have done something, however ill-advised and considered, about the way I'm feeling.
BUT
It will lose the time I have free. I'll be taking a step back, admitting I can't deal. I'll worry Nathan. I'll end up with more scars. In this mood, they may be bad scars. I will have fresh cuts over Christmas. I'm admitting I don't have any better ways to cope.

3. how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

In the long run, I'd like to feel.. better. I'd like to feel that I did the best I could, I used the skills I had without resorting to SI. I'd like to be able to honestly say I tried my best.

SI is not likely to get me this. It will make me feel.. either worse, or numb. Or I'll feel bad because I don't care that I did it instead of trying not to. Or I'll think it's not good enough and do it again. Or I'll just get suicidal because I can't even hurt myself correctly.

4. if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

The relief won't last long... a day at most? not long enough. Then I feel.. terrible. or numb/uncaring.. which makes me feel terribel for not caring. Then.. I'll either feel utterly depressed and suicidal for days/weeks/months. or I'll do something really stupid, get my prescription filled and swallow the lot. so tempting.. but I don't want to go back to hospital. I probably won't be better off, or have a better way to cope.

5. what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

This, I feel is the crux of teh problem. I can't tell anyone how bad I feel. I just can't. I'm too agitated to write or draw. I could sew, but I might end up stabbing myself with the needle.. I used to be able to find nerves and things in my hand with one, and now I'm wondering if I still can. TV and DVD player are still at uni.. too late for music and I've exhausted teh stupid junk on the internet option.

I'm basically here, at this point and writing this because I can't think of anything else to do. This is the problem, I run out of useable distractions before I run outof urges. And I tend to use SI as a distraction from OD urges. I could... IDK, I don't know anything else that would make me feel better. I could sleep, but I can't (insomnia). I could read, but my brain will just parallel-process my urges anyway. I just don't know.

6. how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

I'll feel numb, SU, crappy because I'm numb, stupid.. all sorts of bad things. Guilty, which leads to more urges. Unworthy. Ignored. I'll maybe go attention seeking from friends which I shouldn't do.

If I do the other things.. if they stop me SIing I'll feel good about myself. A rare occurence. I fthey don't, I'll feel worse than if I hadn't tried. Like there's no hope at all for me.

7. what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

What I really want to do right no is far too graphic for posting on a self-injury board. Underneath that, what I really want to do is give up and die.
TBH, I don't think wanting to die has anything to do with self preservation. Self-injury does, but .. my problem isn't that I don't know what's going on, although I don't like to acknowledge it. It's that I don't have alternatives and can't create any that work. I don't know what else to do. I might hop over to coping or distractions for a while. Imight play wiht my hamsters if they're awake.

Agh. SO, at least I've identified a lack of alternative coping strategies. Unfortunatly I can't come up with any more, which is both the reason for the lack and what's stopping em fixing it. bummer.

off to coping, i think

Jaime

[Wendy]

Hi Jamie,

I'm glad you posted here. I know it's been a big help for me in the past when I posted instead of SI'ing. You express yourself very well. I really relate to a lot of what you wrote. OD'ing not a problem for me but everything you wrote about SI fits perfectly. It fits so well I'm having trouble coming up with a response that might be helpful because it so close to what I'm feeling. So since I'm not thinking too well I'm just going to share some stuff that has helped me in the past, if okay.

#l
One thing that helps me in journaling long hand (no typing) about what you're feeling. My professor explained how that engages the left hempisphere of the brain (the logical reasoning side) to help the right hemisphere (the feeling emotinal side) cope with the feelings that come up.
#2
Be more honest about your attention seeking. It sounds like you have a lot of judgments about that as do I, but I know that when I just honestly go to my support people whether they be family, friends, counselor or whomever and say I need support, someone to listen, someone to hold me or whatever fits for you, it helps. It also is a good contradiction for me that it is okay to need attention and love from other people and that I am worth that.
#3
Get some exercise (easier said than done, I know). It helps work all that built up energy out of your body and if it's vigorous enough will actually kicking in endorphins to help you feel good.

Be safe and take gentle care! (Hugs is okay)

Wendy