the "it's only a matter of time" feeling

[eunomia]

this is sort of a before post, but the usual questions don't really apply, because it's not a *right now* urge, but a general feeling over the last few days that i want to confront...

i'm at that stage where i feel that an SI 'incident' is inevitable, that each time i fight off an urge, i'm just delaying something that will happen soon.
i say 'that stage' because i feel that i've been here before. each time i've tried to stop SI, i've got to this stage, and then i've given in...and, yes, i think that deciding the next SI is inevitable gives me an excuse for, and catalyses, it actually happening. i want to avoid that this time. i don't want it to become inevitable because i've convinced myself that it is.

if anyone understands what i'm rambling on about, any questions and/or challenges would be welcomed here

i think part of it is that the urges have been coming fairly thick and fast recently, and i doubt my ability to keep fighting them off. i'm convinced that at some point soon i will 'fail'.
i think part of it is the twisted logic that if i tell myself that it's going to happen sooner or later, it's better for it to be sooner, because otherwise the amount of time SI-free that i 'lose' will be less...the longer i go on fighting the bigger the disappointment when i give up.
i think part of it's what i mentioned in my recent before post that i want to prove somehow that i'm still messed up. i'm reluctant to let go of SI because of what it means. i'm scared of not having it.
this is the longest i've gone without SI in about 2 years; i think that fuels the desire to prove that i'm not actually 'all better'.
i think there's quite a lot contributing to this...just haven't worked it all out yet.

[Tiarin]

yes. i definitely understand. i've been in very similar places. like part of me has already decided that eventually i'm going to give in; i just don't know when. so i get triggered by one thing after another, and even if i fight off one urge i'm still kind of waiting for the inevitable.

i like what you're doing with looking at the general urge as opposed to the specific triggers (in fact, i need to remember that strategy! )

i think part of it is the twisted logic that if i tell myself that it's going to happen sooner or later, it's better for it to be sooner, because otherwise the amount of time SI-free that i 'lose' will be less...the longer i go on fighting the bigger the disappointment when i give up.

i can certainly see how you could be thinking that way. but i do wonder if there's a way to turn it around. because the longer you hold it off despite having this sense that it's going to happen, the more you can see your strength to resist even when it's gotten incredibly tough. what if you thought of it not in terms of x days total without si-ing and how you want that number to be lower and thus less of a disappointment when it happens, but x days of getting through this particularly difficult period. even if you do give in at some point, a higher number there is something you can be proud of, because it testifies to your resilience in situations that are especially tempting for you. (sorry if that didn't make a whole lot of sense . . .)

i think part of it's what i mentioned in my recent before post that i want to prove somehow that i'm still messed up. i'm reluctant to let go of SI because of what it means. i'm scared of not having it.
this is the longest i've gone without SI in about 2 years; i think that fuels the desire to prove that i'm not actually 'all better'.

i have a lot of similar issues with wanting to reassure myself that i'm still not okay. might it help to look at the benefits of still being "messed up"? for me, i know it's appealing because it means i can ask for help, or i can lower my expectations of what i think i should be able to accomplish. i'm trying to learn to allow myself those benefits without having to first make myself crash somehow.

i don't know how helpful any of this is, but i am wishing you much strength and courage as you continue to work through this. take good care.

dragonfly

[eunomia]

thanks for reading, understanding and replying

but i do wonder if there's a way to turn it around. because the longer you hold it off despite having this sense that it's going to happen, the more you can see your strength to resist even when it's gotten incredibly tough. what if you thought of it not in terms of x days total without si-ing and how you want that number to be lower and thus less of a disappointment when it happens, but x days of getting through this particularly difficult period. even if you do give in at some point, a higher number there is something you can be proud of, because it testifies to your resilience in situations that are especially tempting for you. (sorry if that didn't make a whole lot of sense . . .)

*nods* my tendency to make everything negative is something that i've been discussing a lot with my counsellor recently. in fact, once it's pointed out to me, i'm amazed at just how good i am at making everything negative (the only thing i'll admit i'm good at ), so any challenges to look at things in a less negative light are good!
i don't think i'm very good at recognising when things are particularly difficult and acknowledging that making it through those times is more of an achievement. i tend to feel that i should be perfect all of the time, so it doesn't matter how difficult it is to be 'good', i should manage it whatever. so recognising that i'm facing these things and that it is hard is definitely important.

might it help to look at the benefits of still being "messed up"?

yep, i think you've definitely hit on something there. i think you may have set me off on an essay
i guess in some ways i'm not really sure who i am if i'm not quiet, withdrawn, depressed, messed up eunomia.
i'm constantly scared that people won't like me, and i think i use my 'messed up' status as a protection. i can tell myself that people would like me if they knew me, but because i'm withdrawn they just don't get to know me properly. i can tell myself that the 'real' me is [insert numerous desirable qualities], but is being held back by depression etc. if i'm actually myself, then if people don't like me, it's really *me* they don't like.
because i'm desperate for people to like me, i'm constantly looking for reassurance of this. if i'm just a 'normal' person, i don't get that feedback and reassurance that i'm an ok person, because no one thinks i need it. if i'm messed up and depressed and withdrawn, then people who care about me will ask if i'm ok, and then i'll know that they care. i'm scared to give up a way of testing whether people care. at the same time, i'm very aware that people get fed up with someone who's constantly withdrawn...and this is one of the reasons (possibly not a good one) whyy i don't want to be that person anymore, because i don't want to be 'moody eunomia'. i also think it makes me too self-obsessed and not aware enough of how others feel.
on a side note...a colleague mentioned yesterday that i'd been more 'eccentric' over the last few months...and another colleague contradicted him to say that i'd been back to my 'normal self' rather than an eccentric version of me. it made me feel really good that she was saying the 'normal' me is the fun, slightly silly and mad me - the one who isn't obsessing constantly over how she comes across - rather than the quiet me.
i've always been quiet. school reports all my life said i was too quiet. it's not necessarily bad to be quiet, but at some point that became withdrawn. people have always said that when they've got to know me i've been very different from their first impression of me. i don't know why i'm so scared of just being myself....it's been made obvious to me that the 'real' me is preferable to the me who hides....but if i'm myself then i lay myself bare...there's nothing to blame for people not liking me....i can't hide behind mental illness.
i've been thinking a lot recently about taking responsibility for myself, and i think this is related too. if i'm still 'messed up' in some way - and if i can prove this by SIing - then i can use that as an excuse for my behaviour. if i accept that i am actually responsible for what i do and say, then i can't look elsewhere for excuses.
basically, i'm scared

sorry, long ramble, but you made me think