my first before post...

[jennikins84]

As the subject title says, this is my first go at posting here. I hope I get this right *worried*

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
I will feel relaxed and able to sleep, that I got what I deserve, and that I'm in control.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
i) Control and relaxation (ii) respect of others if they find out, my mum being pleased with me, but conversely it will take away my tension and stress, for a short time.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I want to feel in control of my life and certain about what's going to happen in the future. I want to be happy and enjoy things with friends again. SI would probably help me feel more in control in the short term, but not for a long time - 24 hrs at most probably.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
maybe a day or two... but it's become a ritual again very quickly. I feel panicky if I haven't done it for longer than two days atm.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
Call Miranda. I won't feel so alone while we're speaking, and maybe that will last for a night.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
less tense... maybe satisfied with the way my arm looks, I know I deserve the scars.... I wish I could say guilty and sad, but I know I won't feel that way. If I talk to Miranda, I might feel a little bit loved, I guess.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I really want to si... but I think I'll give Miranda a call before I do anything.

Phew. That made me think... I guess I could print this out and give to my cpn, actually.... so this is very useful. Thanks deb, you're great.

[gui hong]

I'm glad you wrote out the questions, and just for the record, there's no "right or wrong" way to answer them. It's not graded; it's supposed to help you think of an alternate (as you did, in calling your friend).

Good job

gui

[jennikins84]

Thank you for the reassurance, gui. It's really kind of you and made me feel a bit better about posting here where I haven't before. I'm a bit of a nervous fool I'm afraid

Well I managed not to si last night, I talked to Miranda for an hour and she was lovely. I didn't want to talk too much about how I'm feeling but just catching up with a best friend is good and distracting. THen I went to bed and to my amazement I slept straight away.

Unfortunately tonight hasn't been so successful. I lay awake for two hours and got so frustrated that I si'd. Then I remembered this forum was here... so here I am.

Sorry, rambling.... Anyway, question things.

have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
All bandaged and clean and stuff, tho mum might freak at my bandage.

what had happened just before?
Insomnia, again. 4th night out of 5 I think this is.

what were you thinking and feeling?
I was frustrated at not being able to sleep despite being so tired. I was feeling really alone... the night seems so big and empty, even though there are three other people here. And I was getting angry because Neil's been on my mind all day. I don't know why I can't just forget him.

why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was teh final straw? what was it?
The final straw was when the radio switched off after playing gentle, soothing music quietly for an hour, and I was still awake and planning where I could cut.

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decisiona nd not arrived at the final straw.
It got there because I remembered and was thinking about how neil cut me, different tools etc, and then it kind of twizzled round in my head to how do I avoid si-ing when the urge has got so strong, and i decided I may as well just do it to soothe me and calm me down and get me to sleep. I shouldn't have focused on neil, and then perhaps my thoughts would have gone in a less emotional way.

were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
Lack of sleep. I'm so tired, and feel all muffled and blurry all the time. I'm trying everything I can to sleep.

what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
I got myself some milk, had lavender on my pillow, listened to soothing music, did a crossword, and another puzzle after. The milk, music and lavender were all to try to help me sleep, and the crossword was supposed to distract me, but I couldn't do it as well as in the day and I got a bit stressed about that

in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
Talking to someone - but I can't bother miranda tonight, and I don't want to disturb my parents - they'll just be cross if I wake them. I could have listened to more music or written a letter to try to take my mind off the urges I suppose.

name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
Have my phone near my bed, and buy a new book of puzzles to put in an emergency box which I'll start making tomorrow.

how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
I'm going to go back upstairs to bed and promise myself I'll stay there this time. And hopefully, sleep.

are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
probably. It's going to take me a while to get over him. I ought to recognise it as my thoughts get more obsessive and go over and over the same things, him usually.

what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
Music, talking to a friend, playing a game on my phone to try to keep distracted. I'll try again

Good night guys xxx

[Tiarin]

Thank you for the reassurance, gui. It's really kind of you and made me feel a bit better about posting here where I haven't before. I'm a bit of a nervous fool I'm afraid

you're not the only one who finds it a bit nerve-wracking to go into new situations and try new things! i frequently struggle with that one, too. but truly, like gui said, if the questions are helping you, then they are serving their intended purpose.

it sounds to me like a lot of this grew out of the not being able to sleep? i can relate a lot to that, because i am usually the most self-destructive at night. i think it's good to just notice that you might be vulnerable in that kind of situation, because it can help you plan in advance for it (which it sounds like you're doing.)

a few more random ideas . . . when i'm lying awake obsessing over something, i've found it's usually a good idea to get back up and do something else for a while, just to break the train of thought. maybe get online and come here. maybe play stupid computer games. maybe read. (since my concentration at such times is usually pretty terrible, i'll tend to pick young adult books.) sometimes i look for past happy experiences in my journal, or for nice comments that people have made to me (i keep such emails for just that reason), because it's kind of soothing. i'm not likely to call someone in the middle of the night and disturb them, but sometimes i'll write them email, because it has the effect of making me feel heard.

also, i often find that i just have to keep reminding myself that i don't think clearly at night, and i shouldn't make any decisions (including the decision to hurt myself) while in that state.

i'm wishing you more peaceful nights in the future; i know how frustrating insomnia can be. take good care.

dragonfly