before

[small one]

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I have just spent all day with 130 people (a youth event - a lot of them were 11-15 year olds). I don't do crowds very well and I am feeling stressed and overwhelmed. I tried to escape for awhile at suppertime, but somebody found me and got upset at me for something stupid. This same person got upset at me for a variety of reasons all day.


Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
I've never reacted very well to large groups. Sometimes crowds aren't too bad, especially if I don't know anybody, and nothing is expected of me. This time, I had some responsibilities and knew lots of the people there. I try to deal by escaping for a few minutes when I can, and having a bit of 'alone-time'. It usually helps make things better. Today it didn't work.


What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I had some yummy tea, I watched a bit of tv (funny, light stuff). I could try going to bed, but my brain is so wound up I don't know if I will be able to sleep.


How do I feel right now?
Very wound up, overwhelmed. Upset. My jaw hurts a lot because I clench when I get stressed. By brain is a chaotic mess of thoughts right now. I'm in mental-overdrive.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
I don't know. I don't think I usually feel anything when I am doing that. Ummm.... not really sure.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
I will feel better tomorrow morning because I will have been able to get some sleep and I will be more rested. After hurting myself, I will feel relieved and a bit calmer.


Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
I could hide out in my room forever and never deal with people ever again. I don't think that is a reasonable answer so I guess I need to figure out how to deal with it better. Maybe when I try to take breaks from the people, I can go furthur away. Get in my car and leave for a few minutes, instead of staying nearby where I can be found.

Do I need to hurt myself?
No. I just want to so that I can calm down faster, and get my emotions in check. I want to so that I can sleep.

*** I don't know how well I've answered these questions, but I needed a starting point. Part of me doesn't want to SI over this, but part of me does. It scares me that I've just said that I will feel better if I SI. I want to SI so strongly right now, that I don't think I will feel bad about it after. I think that is the irrational, overwhelmed part of me talking. If I didn't care, I don't think I would be here, trying to write about this, instead of just SI'ing and getting it all over with. I don't know.....

[Tiarin]

ick. crowds and lots of people. much sympathy about the tough day.

one observation. i'm hearing two different triggery situations in your post: the problem of being wound up after dealing with lots of people, and the issue of dealing with someone who was upset with you. i don't know if that's a meaningful distinction for you, or whether it feels more like it's all part of the same general thing. i was just thinking that i want to si for rather different reasons when dealing with those two situations. when i'm wound up, i'm usually looking for a way to calm down and deal with the stress. when someone is upset with me, i'm usually dealing more with stuff like anger and hurt. and different things are more and less helpful depending on which emotional state i'm in.

but at any rate, i can very much relate to the needing to calm down thing, and the not being able to sleep. that's tough.

i think it's great that you answered the questions. i'm glad you are at least somewhat in touch with the part of yourself that doesn't want to do this. would it help to make a list of the reasons that you don't want to si, maybe kind of as a way to give that side of you a chance to talk?

i'm sending soothing thoughts and hopes that your night gets better.

dragonfly

[small one]

I made it through last night without SI'ing. It wasn't easy, but I did it. It took me forever to fall asleep, and then I had really odd dreams (nightmares?) that kept waking me up. At one point while trying to fall asleep, there was lots of chaos in my mind and I was hearing things that had gone on all day, and things people had said to me, and eventually there was no more room in my mind, and I started hearing the voices from outside my mind. It was really very freaky, and I almost gave in at that point, but I made it.

Yeah, I think the crowds are one thing, and the anger at this person is something separate. I'm still not sure what I feel about this person getting upset with me, so I've been pushing those thoughts away. I'll deal with them later. Also, one of the times she got upset with me was partially my fault. And I know that she was stressed and doesn't deal well with stress, so I understand a bit why she was getting upset with me the other times, even though I'm pretty sure I wasn't at fault for anything. I don't know... I need to think about this a lot more.

I think making a list about why I don't want to SI would be a good thing to have around. The way I answered those questions could have led me right into SI because the answers were all showing that it would be the best thing, but I know that isn't true. I don't think very rationally when I'm in the moment I guess.

I have to go deal with more crowds today, but different crowds today. Ones that I can hide in, instead of ones that I am at the front of. And the friend I'm going with is my friend who doesn't stress me out at all. It should be a better day, but I'm going to try to think of reasons through the day why I don't want to SI so I don't end up in the same place tonight that I was in last night.