now i sit here lonely once again. im terrified. i have a headache again. feel like im disasociating, i can see my fingers move on my keyboard but im not moving them
so i will try answer these questions to the best of my ability, first i would like to quote what deb and vamps said, bc i totally agree with what they have to say:
urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.
both of which i agree with, my reasons are loneliness. i am so lonely. i have one, irl i am so shit scared of getting hurt yet once again. i have always given my all in a realtionship, made sacrifices, mentally, emotionally and physically until i just cannot bare the thought at the moment of going through that pain at the moment.Cutting is not the problem, it's just a symptom. Maybe you should concentrate on the real problem.
my family are just so messed up. my grandfather once wanted to reconciliate, so he bought me thousands of rands worth of crystal glasses, i broke them all in front of them. i was in hospital, he wanted to send me money, i told him to shove it. i want them, i can go to the shops for crap. i hate birthdays, i hate christmas, i dont want things, hug me tell me you love me, and mean it and that is all i want. can anybody understand that?
i know this is supposed to be a before questionarre, but i think this will help me more at the moment. my si is not such a big issue as to why i si. - if you can understand that?
anyway i will try the questions and see what happens. pls send feedback, i will also copy and paste to before and after from here to my place to get as much input as possible and will probably ramble on after the questions too, so i hope i dont bore any of you. as some of you know i have been really su lately si this will kind of be a double answer why shouldnt i si/su at the same time ...
1. how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
my situation wont change. the court cases, my divorce, my daughters mom will still refuse to let me visit or talk to her, i will still be stuck here in my room, the ptsd nightmares will still be here, the loneliness will still be here. as to my feelings, well the crimson tears flowing down my bicep, springing from my wrist, running down my arm into the warm bathwater where it turns rosy red will feel like tears streaming down my cheeks and this pain and heartbrache will be gone for a while. the physical pain will deaden my emotional pain, even temporarily and calm me down wnoegh to try and sleep.
2. what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
this is much the same as question 1's answer. i will be less focused on the internal pain. i can sit, almost mesmerised by the red tears running down my arm. afterwards i will not be so full of tension. here where i sit, i am battling to breathe as if there is a steel band around my chest, i feel constricted, the feel of the blade on my skin releases that physical tension and makes me more relaxed. besides that, cleaning, applying pressure gives me something constructive to do to take away the pain. and as sick as this may sound, when i start to urge again, i smell the bandage and just the iron smell of the blood, relaxes me immedialtely stopping me from cutting again
3. how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
how do i want to feel in the long run. i want to do one of three things, curl up and die feeling no pain ever again, secondly run away to where no-one knows mw and start a whole new life over again leaving my shit behind and thirdly, i just want 1 night's peace. so will this help in the long run 1. kinda 2. no bc the more scares the easier i will be to recognize and 3 yes, tonight it will help. no doubt
4. if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
the relief seems to last 2 days and then depending on where i am or what i am doing, i can hold out another day maybe. never broken 3 days in a long time. what will i do then probably cut again. as i mentioned earlier, i dont know if i should be trying to stop cutting. i should rather be trying to find why, but why can take forever. i see my pdoc on monday, hopefully sooner to discuss options. he wants me to go ip but i dont have 14 000 as that is what it costs me last time, and state institutions in south africa are NOT an option. he does what he cans. he doesnt charge me for consults ( i try slip him cash when i can) he gets generics where possible and is trying to get me in a study so that i can get my meds for free. he is doing his damnest that i do know
5. what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
what sould i do instead. nothing. its 11:26pm. i cant lose myself in music. since i mini od'd i have no meds to knock me out. all the public places are closed here already (besides costing money) going to my mother will trigger me more. broken about 5 elastics on my wrists already, fingerpaint doesnt help, trying to chat on bus a bit ......... how will this change my situation of loneliness, well as long as some-one is there. yet i am starting to get a headache and shake, so the blade wont be in the packaging for long. i know this feeling too well. i have the most gorgeous "underage" friend in nz that i met through another si support roup. she is so mature and well what this has to do with anything i do not know. she sent me a mail this morning, i hadnt told her i was su as i dont think its right as she is still young and i dont know how she would handle it, yet this morning she sent me one telling me how special i am and i mustn't. have no idea how she knows?
6. how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
how will i feel tomorrow. wont bug me in the slightest. i have refused to let ppl put me off short sleeve shirts. if you dont like my scars, dont look, if you want to ask, ask. but i have accepted them and if i cut they will make no difference to how i feel or what i do tomorrow.
7. what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
this is the thing. i have no self-protective instinct at the moment. i have given my fire-arm in at the police station for safe keeping, as most of you know. i have no meds left. if i had a means right now to su and knew it was 100% certain i would take it. tried phoning the su hotline here again, 10 times no answer. we have no emergency rooms available and they dont do mental stuff anyway. i would have to go to pretoria and just the other day they caught a nurse using the same needle on something like 150 patients, 20 with full blown aids!
my mediacal aid doesnt cover mental ip, and the difference in cost for me with travelling etc is minimul as to ip or outpatient, though i wouldnt be able to drive, so for my sister to take leave to drive me in and out every day it would be cheaper to go ip
kharre's questions:
* Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point? pure loneliness, frustration, helplessness
* Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then? yes i have been here before, 2 things, i took [number edited- Jo] timed my prescribed meds and slept or i cut, both helped.
* What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me? i went to church, i cleaned my room, walked my dog, played mindless games on the pc, tried to do some work though i have no concentration to do that, started washing my mums dinner dishes, was gonna bath but decided against it. took an old man home from church on critches, waterd my plants, fed the fish, read bus. what else can i do, not much, its getting close on 12 am and then i will wake every-one up, so bus is all i have
* How do I feel right now?
crying my eyes out, sitting here in the half dark, getting post traumatic flash backs, shaking, trying to distract by answering these questions to the best of my ability
* How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
when i am hurting myself. my full concentraion will be on the blade, all other worries will disappear. i will watch the blade move into the subcutaneous layer until the capillaries form droplets and as the cut gets longer the will join until they make a tear drop and each tear drop will join until it forms a stream of pain relief flowing down my arm until it drips into the bath water. once the water is pinkish red, i will take the shower head and wash my arm, take the plug out and symbolically watch my pain run down the drain. (seems like i have done this toooooo many times)
* How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
how will i feel directly afterwards, umm relieved, peacefull. tomorrow morning, i will feel restricteduntil after i remove the bandages where there is usually secondary bleeding which stops soon. then i am fine. my onely thought is when will i be healed enough to cut again
* Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
i dont know how. i have no trust in people bc of all the times i have been so hurt. probably why i can talk on bus. i can delete my account without really feeling i have put in too much of a 24/7 emotional commitment an irl relationship takes. if you understand that. i need some-one but whether i will let them close is the other story. with regards to the court cases i can do nothing but wait, and waiting without purpose is not a good suite. tell me im here in 4 hours and i'll do it gladly. tell me to wait 4 hours for the unknown and my head is fucked. so what can i do not much. i cant start a relationship, bc well i may soon be in jail. i cant carry on my life or take on long term contracts (when you freelance ppl want to know are you reliable, can we use you in the future? and when your answer is well im not sure if ill have access to my pc from prison in 6 months, well you get the picture)
* Do I need to hurt myself?
not reall. i do feel better for answering these questions as fully as i can right now and getting it off my chest. i may try some relaxation therapy or something and while relaxed, feel a bit better. if i dont cut tonight it will be the first time in months that i have broken 72 hours.
so send support and hugs please
thank-you