a before post

[red velvet]

A mix of the questions, dealing with an urge I had the other day that was really really strong. I want to help myself isolate why it got so bad, and figure out why I didn't si. Written as if I had the urge right now, to try to help myself remember how I felt the other day.

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I am scared, I can't cope with him fighting with me, I am afraid he will leave me. I want to not be out of control. I want to not be freaking out. I want to hurt him. I am a failure, how could I have prevented this argument. I have screwed up and it is all my fault. I should have known better.

Have I been here before?
Yes, but not in a number of years. I use to hurt myself whenever I felt this way. I forgot what this was like. It was worse this time because I knew the path it would lead down, and wanted to stop it before it got that far, so I was more scared that I wouldn't be able to stop it.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far?
Cry, sleep, get a supportive hug, hug my stuffed llama.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
No I can't avoid it when it happens, I have to find a better way of dealing with arguments. On the other hand I have been able to avoid this situation in the past. I think I was too exhausted with too much pent up emotion to deal with it effectively. I let negative self talk loop through my head, which is uncharacteristic for me.

Do I need to hurt myself? No

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
I will feel more calm, I will feel more under control. I will be able to avoid crying and freaking out.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It will bring more problems for me, but emotionally I will feel better.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself?
let my feelings out, allow myself to not fear them. They will not hurt me.

[amethyst]

It's really cool that you chose to write out what happened the other day in order to try to examine it. I hope that it has helped some.

Have I been here before?
Yes, but not in a number of years. I use to hurt myself whenever I felt this way. I forgot what this was like. It was worse this time because I knew the path it would lead down, and wanted to stop it before it got that far, so I was more scared that I wouldn't be able to stop it.

I really related to this comment, as I came really close to slipping recently and ,for me too, it was a vivid reminder of a past time in my life. I just wanted to let you know that I am glad that you were able to reconize the feelings and find the coping mechanisms that were *safe* and which got you through the rough stuff.

take gentle care,
amanda

[red velvet]

thank you, it always feels good to know that someone else understands. I am glad I was able to get through it too, but it was a huge reminder of feelings and thoughts that I didn't really want to remember.

thank you

[XclippedXwingsX]

Hey red. I haven't heard from you in a while - or maybe I'm just out there and just take forever to realize you've been around. I'm glad you decided to write out your feelings about getting an SI urge. I've been doing it a lot myself. heh. Anyway... I hope you're feeling better. It's hard dealing with these feelings but I'm sure you'll pull through!

xXx Charm xXx

[Wendy]

Hi,

I think it's great that you didn't give into the urge and did some other things to take care of yourself. I was thinking today about something one of my counseling professors told us about drug use (SI, I think acts in pretty much the same way). He said that when a person does drugs they get arrested at that stage of development, because by numbing out the feelings they never learn what they need to learn from the experience. Just a little encouragement that finding a different, if less immediately satisfying way of coping, will better enable you to grow to a better place in your life.

Wendy

[red velvet]

wendy- that is a really interesting idea. I think it does apply to me, as I started to si as an adolescent. I'll have to think more on that, thanks.

charm- I was gone for a bit more than a month, I just started coming around again this past week. I posted about it in my new place, which just made me realize I have to change the link in my signature.