"before" - sort of

Laura · Post by **Laura** » Sun Oct 17, 2004 7:08 pm

I don't have Net access at home just now, so the following are the answers I wrote on paper last night. I didn't SI in the end, at least not yet. But I'm not feeling too great and it seems as if I'll probably give in eventually

Listening to Urges questions:

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
If I hurt myself I will feel released as if I had cried (which I'd like to but can't) and my pain will be visible and real to me and then taping it up will make me feel cared about.
what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
Bring a feeling of mattering and deserving care.
Take away my emptiness, hurt and anger.
how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I need to be independed cos I've no-one to depend on. If this helps me get rid of needy feelings then it's a good plan.
if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
I don't know how long it'll last - at least until tomorrow and that might do. If the feelings come back... well during the week I can drown them with work can't I
what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I could go to bed (it's 11:30pm). But I might not be able to sleep so might lie awake thinking desolate thoughts.
how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
If I do SI I suppose I'll be a bit embarrassed or disappointed, perhaps scared that the SI is going to all start up again after such a long time.
If I sleep I might feel better or I might feel like I missed a good opportunity to SI and feel like I denied myself a possible comfort. I'll be stamping on my feelings and pretending to be a robot.
[Added today - this is exactly what I do feel like ]
what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I really really want my hurt to be acknowledged and to feel like it matters to someone. It looks like the only someone I have is me.

kharre's questions:

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
A post of mine (not on BUS) got completely ignored while everyone else got replies.
My new doctor a week ago didn't even ask me how I was.
High work expectations - people are only interested in what I can do, not who I am or how it makes me feel.
Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
Many times. I might talk to a friend - but it's late, and J has been unsympathetic recently. I'd access BUS except I've no computer. And I could email the voluntary organisation that used to give me support, only I got struck-off by them a year and a half ago, cos I am just scum.
What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
Loads of things. I did some useful stuff to make me feel worthwhile (made and delivered notes to the whole street asking about my landlady's lost cat). I played with her other cat. I had a bath with music and candles. I rang my mum. I ate a yoghurt and had a cup of tea. I posted again to the email group that's ignoring me.
How do I feel right now?
Alone and insignificant and raw.
How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
Resigned, deliberate, steady. Then better, justified, those red tears released...
How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
I'll be able to care for my wounds and then fall asleep feeling warm and good that I took care of myself.
Tomorrow - probably embarrassed or guilty or ashamed. Or maybe longing for someone to want to know?
Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
I can't avoid it. It's part of being an independent single woman. And I did try a lot of ways to deal with it.
Do I need to hurt myself?
I don't absolutely have to, but I think it's inevitable that I will soon even if not right now. Otherwise I'm just stuck with feeling this way.

green chameleon · Post by **green chameleon** » Sun Oct 17, 2004 7:19 pm

Sending you support. Try to stay strong, you are worth it.

truce · Post by **truce** » Sun Oct 17, 2004 7:46 pm

(((((Laura)))))

Oh sweetie, i know how you feel, you aren't alone. i know exactly how you feel, what that sllepless, lying alone does in your room at night, how that urge just won't go away, how you feel that si is the only warmth that you will get, how we try do positive and constructive things to keep safe, but that longing to clean and bandage your wounds after you have let the loneliness bleed out just won't go away ....

i've been there, i am there and the worst part is that i know that i will in all probability be there again. just know that you are not alone.

*sending you warm and happy thoughts and hugs if you want them*

Wendy · Post by **Wendy** » Mon Oct 18, 2004 3:46 am

Laura,

I don't believe we've met on BUS but I've been here since August. I know how you're feeling I think. I came to before and after for myself just now and noticed your post. I've only got 3 week, but I once had 11 years. If you can find anything else to do to distract you or comfort you other than SI, I hope you will. I thought after 11 years I could just SI once and let it alone. Within a month and a half I was doing it daily. Now the thoughts are never far from me. I know it will feel good for a little while -- but a very little while and then you'll be back in the trenches fighting the intrusive mental images -- my guess is you won't find it worth it. I noticed you have over a year -- I hope you can find another way. I wish I had more to offer, but since I've messed up on being a good example maybe I can at least serve as a warning.

I'm sorry you were not treated with the respect and caring you need and deserve. I hope you'll choose to treat yourself better than they did. Hopefully I'll see you around the board.

Hugs and Warm Thoughts,
Wendy

Laura · Post by **Laura** » Mon Oct 18, 2004 5:07 pm

Thankyou all.

Yeah I know, if I let myself SI then it could easily all come back again after such a long time without. But I sort of wonder, what's so great about not SIing if it means you have to feel like this?

Hey well I still haven't - sig is still valid

Thanks

littlethings · Post by **littlethings** » Tue Oct 19, 2004 12:15 am

the sig is valid?

Happily the rest, but not the little sad "defeated" face. That I don't think is so valid. I don't think I will ever be able to think of you as "defeated."

JoAnna

Wendy · Post by **Wendy** » Tue Oct 19, 2004 7:26 am

That's great, Laura. What's so great about it is that as you resist SI as your coping mechanism you'll learn better ones that really help meet the need -- not just temporarily relieve the pressure. I know this is true, because I was there for a long time. SI was not a temptation at all and I wasn't going around feeling awful either. In my case, I moved away from my support system and haven't reestablished a new one and slipped back into old habits of stuffing feelings. So old coping mechs also resurfaced. It may take time, but you can establish the kind of support and healthy coping skills that will make SI a lot less of a temptation in your life and life a lot more fulfilling. You're heading the right direction! I'm rooting for you!

Responding to your post was probably the single biggest thing that helped me not SI last night. I was looking at your year and remembering and everything I said to you, I heard for me too. So thanks for sharing your struggle with us.

Hugs,

Wendy

bus

"before" - sort of

"before" - sort of

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