A slip- answering the questions

[littlethings]

Okay. I guess I'll give this a shot.

*I should mention that I'm not giving up SI cold turkey. I'm trying to decrease my SI by increments (right now I'm at 10 days max.). I tried to give up cold and I was miserable and really unhealthy the whole time. So I figure if I give up by increments, I can gradually increase my SI free time while building other coping mechanisms to replace SI.*

have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.

Yes. I have.

what had happened just before?

I was reading a note from my school about the rules and dress code.

what were you thinking and feeling?

The note was supremely unfair. Not towards me, but in general. There were some clear logical fallicies that troubled me. Even though I've never had a problem with the rules or the dress code, I was bothered by the unfair treatment of the topic by the school. I felt frustrated and uncomfortable. It also reminded me of other feelings that school brings up, like failure and being overwhelmed.

why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?

I was at my longest I've ever been without SI. My tools were right next to me in my purse. Not even an arms reach away. It was reading that note that was the final straw.

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.

Well, I'd read the note and been upset. I put it down, and walked away. I was still bothered so I reread it. At that point I self-harmed. Earlier that night I had been thinking about self-harm.

were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?

It was late at night, and my room was mess- I never let my room get messy because it upsets me(and increase my feelings of helplessness).

what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?

I didn't. And I feel very ashamed of that, because it's such a small thing to slip over. I've gone through so many worse urges, but this one, it just never occured to me

in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?

Absolutely. I should have put the letter down and distracted myself. I could have tried any number of distractions. Or tried writing out all of the things I found wrong with the letter, logically. Not to send- but just to express my thoughts without them getting bottled up inside.

name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.

I'm going to put a pen in with my self-harm tools. So I always remember that I can write. Other than that, I guess I'll just try to remember.

how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?

The situation is not resolved, and there is no way for me to alter the rules of the school (I've tried...). But I don't know if I should be worried so much about the school, maybe I should focus on my reaction.

are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?

I think I was feeling helpless. I will feel like that again, but I don't know how I will recognize it. Sometimes it's very hard to put my thoughts in order until after self-injury. I'm a little lost at how to do that.

what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
I will try to breathe, and distance myself from the situation.
I will try to write out what I feel.
I will try to do something I can control, like knitting or organizing.

JoAnna

[{ Phoenix }]

JoAnna,

I understand how something small can trigger feelings of helplessness. I cannot tolerate unfairness; it's one of my biggest triggers. I don't really have any advice, but I wanted to tell you well done for answering the questions. I like your idea of the pen. I don't really carry a purse because I'm likely to leave it somewhere, but I might get a pocket-sized notebook and a pen and keep it in my pocket. Thank you for inspiring me.

Hugs (if okay),
Cat

[sine nomine]

it soundsl ike you've got a good idea of what happened and why it happened -- you were in a abd place, and it was was thing too many (if i'm understanding you right).

antoher thing that might help would be to wrap your tools in a piece of paper with reasons you don't want to si writtenon it, or with other coping ideas written on it.

as for the dress code, it may not be possible to change, but would you feel differently if you wrote out your reasons for oposing it and sent those to the school?

deb

[littlethings]

Thanks Cat & Deb.

I've been thinking about carrying around a reminder in my purse- but I've been putting it off and putting it off. I don't like touching my tools when I'm not going to use them- it's just too easy, so perhaps I can just slip a note in there.

I don't think I'll write the school, because, frankly, I've never been in trouble. It's well known that dress code is one of the things that teachers use when you annoy them and they need something to pin on you. I don't want trouble. I love my school academically...but some of the rules really annoy me.

Anyway, what bothers me more is that a letter was able to bring up all of the emotions I've felt over the average school year. I've been doing well over the summer- or at least better than I ever have before. I'm just so worried all of my work will go to pot when I have to face tests (failure), workload (being overwhelmed), extracurriculars (social anxiety), college apps (rejection)...etc.

JoAnna

[tenar]

I'm just so worried all of my work will go to pot when I have to face tests (failure), workload (being overwhelmed), extracurriculars (social anxiety), college apps (rejection)...etc.

ok, this may sound mad and not really help with the being overwhelmed thingy but the way i survived year 13 (the year of relationship break ups, university applications and interviews, extra interview classes, coursework, mocks, modules, alevels, lots of regular work, having to dance in high heels etc) was by having something entirely seperate from all of that stuff to focus on, my continuity. for me it was rowing - just having that space and time out from all the other stuff really helped. sure, i chose something that at times was an upset in itself and absorbed a massive amount of time, but i'm not saying rowing is the answer, but having it as my safe continuity was amazing. maybe i would have been better with something like yoga or swimming or reading poetry, but having the set rule that i would take that time out regardless of all the other stress going on in my life, even if it was just a few hours a week, that kept me sane. that routine was brilliant when everything else seemed like it was collapsing.

maybe next time you're feeling really strong just slip that note in there. or do you feel able to keep your tools in a box in your room - for me having my tools on me was a constant temptation

xxx

[Lyndsie]

Good for you! Thats so good. SO very good. Good luck with that!






Lyndsie
xxx xxxx

[littlethings]

Good for you! Thats so good. SO very good. Good luck with that!

Are you talking about tenar?

Anyway, tenar, I know I shouldn't carry them with me- but when I'm without them I feel so totally helpless. I think I'm more likely to resort to SI because the first thing I think becomes "what else can I use to hurt myself with?" and I don't think about the feelings at all.

I've become dangerously creative. At least I have clean tools, and first aid supplies with me. I suppose that's just an excuse though

I will slip a note in there though- maybe later, I still need to distance myself from the slip a little

JoAnna

[{ Phoenix }]

JoAnna,

I think it's a wise idea of yours to wait a bit until you've distanced yourself from the slip. I'm proud of you for realising that slipping a note into your purse right now might bring you feelings of wanting to SI.

I can relate to the stresses of school. When I was in high school, I tried to combat them by reading books that I enjoyed, and in college, I tried spending time online roleplaying to help. I think the important thing is to remember that it will be okay. I used to think: If I do poorly on this test, I'll do poorly in the class, and then I'll fail, and if I fail the class, I won't graduate, and if I don't graduate, I won't get a good job, and then I won't be able to earn money, and I'll end up on the streets! I had to make myself calm down. I would actually get an index card for test days and write on it, "This is only a test. It will not make or break the rest of my life. It is okay if I try my best." That helped me.

Soft hugs,
Cat

[tenar]

Anyway, tenar, I know I shouldn't carry them with me- but when I'm without them I feel so totally helpless. I think I'm more likely to resort to SI because the first thing I think becomes "what else can I use to hurt myself with?" and I don't think about the feelings at all.

I've become dangerously creative. At least I have clean tools, and first aid supplies with me. I suppose that's just an excuse though

fair enough. note idea makes more sense.

xxxx

[littlethings]

I would actually get an index card for test days and write on it, "This is only a test. It will not make or break the rest of my life. It is okay if I try my best." That helped me.

thanks, I think I might try that.

And Tenar, I'm thinking about doing it today- I'll be with friends, so I won't be able to SI, and I can just slip it in there- no one will even notice, I'll just carry it with me in my pocket until I can do it.

This is the note I'm putting in:

------

Dear me,

You're thinking about harming yourself right now. Please, think twice.
I know self-injury is tempting, and I know it seems like the only thing that will help you right now- but it's not.

Self-injury will leave you with painful wounds, and you'll risk infection. You will feel alienated because you can't talk to your friends, and guilty & ashamed as well. The situation won't change.

Things you can try:
- deep breathing
- stretching
- writing down what you feel
- knitting, or distancing yourself from the situation
- drawing your tension or doodling
- reading
- answer the listening to urges/kharre's questions

(and in the note I'll have the listening to urges questions)

------

JoAnna

[Lyndsie]

Thats an interesting way to get yourself not to cut. By writing yourself a letter. I think i'll have to try that sometimes i wans to SI.

Take care oyf youself!

~Lynz