Today I slipped up.

Chrystal · Post by **Chrystal** » Sun Aug 08, 2004 2:12 am

This is the first Non-Deb Topic here and after reading the guidelines I hope that I can do this right and not get kicked off because I do genuinely hope that I can get help and stop.

Background: I have just stopped drinking alcohol. An addiction that I've had - sadly - since I was 9 years old - making it 12 years. The last few years I've been drinking to get drunk or drinking all day say on average - 3-4 times per week with some weeks lacking and some weeks where it was every day. Anyways, so I'm realising that I'm in debt - because I spend all my money on my beautiful dog- who is worth every cent and more and alcohol - which doesn't even feel the same anymore because I can drink 2 bottles of wine and just not feel drunk anymore...

I cut for the first time in a long time (I burned a few days ago after 133 days without SI). That's all I'll say.
I'm disappointed in myself now because I shouldn't have done it on my forearm because I've been getting used to wearing T-shirts again.
I'm disappointed because I didn't feel whatever it was I wanted to feel when I was doing it. I'm not even sure what I ever expect.
Before I did it, I was sitting here in my apartment. I've not been to bed for two days because although I drank 2L of wine two nights ago I didn't pass out which is normally what I do to help me sleep. I had cleaned every nook and cranny in this apartment. I'm not kidding I've spend most of the last 30 hours scrubbing everything, every corner, window, laundering every item of cloth I could get my sticky hands on. And then I sat down and I looked around. The place smelled lovely and hasn't been this clean since... well I'm not sure when.... but all of a sudden I was at a loss of things to do.
So I picked up the Blue Alc Anon Book that I was given yesterday and remembered about 20 questions that I was supposed to ask myself and write down before the AA meeting tonight. So I looked them up. Answer 1 yes and there is a possibility that you may develop an alcohol problem. 2 yesses and it is likely. 3 yesses you are an alcholic. I read this after I'd answered yes to 14 of the 20.
I sat there feeling like a failure. How could I have got this far? How could I have let things fall and how come I couldn't realise before that all those doctors, social workers and friends were right about my drinking? I felt like I'd let everyone down.
And suddenly I needed to feel something real. I'm no good at emotions in my head... and I cut.
At least that's what I think. I dunno.....

I'm always so confused and especially when Im so tired and so sober. Things seem clearer when I'm drunk - but I've now seen that that is a typical alcoholics way of looking at things.

I don't know what I expect out of replies. I think that I just needed to type this out for my own benefit. I dunno.

Anyways... thanks for listening as always...

Lots of love, chrystalxx

guest11 · Post by **guest11** » Sun Aug 08, 2004 2:18 am

OK, I too have no idea whether I'm doing this right, but I have a few questions for you to think about.... you don't need to reply to them if you don't want to.

What do you think it was that made you turn to alcohol? Availability? Stories? Why alcohol, and not something else?

What did you expect to get out of the AA meeting? Was it some sort of validation that it's OK to have done/be doing what you have done/are doing?

What led you to cutting? I'm asking you this question because one time when you felt low you resorted to drinking, and the other time you resorted to cutting.... what made the situations different that led to different coping mechanisms?

I get the feeling I did that all wrong but never mind, eh?

Take care,
Dan

Chrystal · Post by **Chrystal** » Sun Aug 08, 2004 2:36 am

Deskana wrote:What do you think it was that made you turn to alcohol? Availability? Stories? Why alcohol, and not something else?

My mother was an alcoholic. When I was 8 I used to drink a bit to stop her from drinking so much because I was so terrified that she'd smell it in the drains from pouring it out. When I was 9 I started to realise that if I got drunk it helped me fall asleep without night-terrors which have plagued me since a small child (PTSD)

Deskana wrote: What did you expect to get out of the AA meeting? Was it some sort of validation that it's OK to have done/be doing what you have done/are doing?

I'm not sure what I expected. I actually expected not to be noticed and to be in a room of miserable 40-something year olds who would make me feel like a hypochondriac because I'm young... but I found that I entered a room full of happy, positive very caring people who were all ages, shapes, sizes, races. What I got was more kindness given to the blubbering fool that I was as I sat there and balled my eyes out than I've been shown in a very long time and it just made me cry more to be in a room with such caring people.

Deskana wrote: What led you to cutting? I'm asking you this question because one time when you felt low you resorted to drinking, and the other time you resorted to cutting.... what made the situations different that led to different coping mechanisms?

^ I started SIins as a 5 year old. Not by cutting - by burning and stinging - I didn't start cutting till maybe I was 7 - maybe even 8. BEfore I started to drunk. I resorted to SI when I didnt have alcohol - at least I think so.

Thank you Dan. You truely are a

Love, chrystalxx

guest11 · Post by **guest11** » Sun Aug 08, 2004 2:41 am

Hey, it's no problem.

I think the point of those questions was to learn something about yourself.... I can ask more if you want.

guest11 · Post by **guest11** » Sun Aug 08, 2004 2:43 am

I just thought of one....

Chrystal wrote:^ I started SIins as a 5 year old. Not by cutting - by burning and stinging - I didn't start cutting till maybe I was 7 - maybe even 8. BEfore I started to drunk. I resorted to SI when I didnt have alcohol - at least I think so.

So did you have no alcohol when you cut? Or did you cut rather than drink? If the latter, why?

Chrystal · Post by **Chrystal** » Sun Aug 08, 2004 2:50 am

So did you have no alcohol when you cut? Or did you cut rather than drink? If the latter, why?

When I first started to cut - yes I had no alcohol.

But once I started to drink I think that they were unrelated. I think that I drank to escape and help me cope with my mothers drunken state and sleep but I SI-ed usually when I was in trouble like when my mother would yell and scream and throw things at me and whip me I could not cry at the time - I would go into the bathroom - and burn and cut.

it was a way to feel pain I think when I was younger.

chrystalxx

guest11 · Post by **guest11** » Sun Aug 08, 2004 2:52 am

I was referring more to the last time that you cut than just in general, but I find that interesting that you used them to cope with different things. Surely either would have done for either situation?

Chrystal · Post by **Chrystal** » Sun Aug 08, 2004 3:02 am

Deskana wrote:I was referring more to the last time that you cut than just in general, but I find that interesting that you used them to cope with different things. Surely either would have done for either situation?

no, SI never helped me sleep or make me feel like I wasn't here in reality... sometimes it was almost like a "reality check"

I'd go from one extreme to the other. Drink to sleep and feel like I didn't have to cope with anything.

SI to make me FEEL I also used to drink an insane about of coffee - so I'd be high and sort of feel real by SIing.

at least... err... yes... I think

guest11 · Post by **guest11** » Sun Aug 08, 2004 3:06 am

You're doing very well talking about this openly. But now, since I'm at a loss about what to ask, I'm going to ask you Deb's questions.

have you taken care of your physiacl wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.

what had happened just before?

what were you thinking and feeling?

why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was teh final straw? what was it?

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events thatled up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decisiona nd not arrived at the final straw.

were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?

what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?

in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?

name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.

how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?

are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?

what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.

We can think about your answers together afterwards.

Chrystal · Post by **Chrystal** » Sun Aug 08, 2004 3:39 am

Deskana wrote:You're doing very well talking about this openly. But now, since I'm at a loss about what to ask, I'm going to ask you Deb's questions.

have you taken care of your physiacl wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.

yes

what had happened just before?

what were you thinking and feeling?

why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was teh final straw? what was it?

I think I said above

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events thatled up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decisiona nd not arrived at the final straw.

I had nothing to do... at least nothing in my mind to do... and I just needed it... somehow. I could have had a drink! haha. no i shouldn't laugh.

were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?

lack of alcohol - lack of sleep

what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?

cleaning... keeping myself so very busy...

in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?

no... I need some help to find some.

name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.

erg! not there yet...

how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?

it sucks... but I guess this is part of trying to stay sober

are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?

most likely... probably tonight... I'll know because I'll be feeling just as lost and sad.

what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.

talk to someone...
try to keep myself busy for a longer time...
sleep? haha... ya right

ok.... now I'm going to think... I'm on my way to my first AA discussion meeting *bites fingernails*

chrystalxx

guest11 · Post by **guest11** » Sun Aug 08, 2004 3:44 am

Good luck with that!

Chimera · Post by **Chimera** » Sun Aug 08, 2004 5:09 am

Hi, Chrystal.

I hope you don't mind my joining your thread...

I've been following your story for awhile now- I remember your post a while back asking for people's experiences with AA, and I've read the more recent one about the actual AA meeting itself and your feelings about it. I know I'm supposed to be asking questions here, so here are the ones that popped into my head when I saw that you had posted here:

Do you think that your strong emotional reaction at the AA meeting (the uncontrollable crying) had anything to do with your slip?

If realizing that you could be an alcoholic and feeling like a failure were factors in setting up the SI slip, do you think you can stay safe in the future if continuing the 12 Steps/AA stirs up more of those kinds of feelings?

You don't have to answer those in public- or at all, for that matter. I hope that you can get to the bottom of what leads up to hurting yourself, so you can stay safer in the future. Take gentle care, and please try to get some sleep...it will probably help you feel a bit better.

Jessica

littlethings · Post by **littlethings** » Sun Aug 08, 2004 8:06 am

Hope you don't mind me coming in.

When I read, it made me curious. You mentioned that you aren't good with emotions in your head, and you never actually mentioned specific emotions that came along with your SI feelings. Perhaps examing that would help?

Here's a list of a few emotions and some basic dictionary definitions. I don't know if this will help, but maybe you can pinpoint in words what you were feeling:

Destructiveness - Causing or wreaking destruction; ruinous
Disgust - 1. To excite nausea or loathing in; sicken.
2. To offend the taste or moral sense of; repel.
Revulsion - 1. A sudden strong change or reaction in feeling, especially a feeling of violent disgust or loathing.
2. A withdrawing or turning away from something
Frustration - The condition that results when an impulse or an action is thwarted by an external or an internal force.
Torment - Great physical pain or mental anguish.
Sadness - Expressive of sorrow or unhappiness.
Despair - to be overcome by a sense of futility or defeat.
Grief - A source of deep mental anguish.
Misery - Mental or emotional unhappiness or distress
Agony - 1. The suffering of intense physical or mental pain.
2. A sudden or intense emotion: an agony of doubt.
3. A violent, intense struggle.
Disappointment - a feeling of dissatisfaction that results when your expectations are not realized
Dejection – disheartened, lowered spirits
Gloom -1. Partial or total darkness; dimness: switched on a table lamp to banish the gloom of a winter afternoon.
2. A state of melancholy or depression; despondency.
Loneliness - Dejected by the awareness of being alone
Hopelessness – despairing, bleak
Anguish - Agonizing physical or mental pain
Overwhelmed - rendered powerless especially by an excessive amount or profusion of something
Anxiety - A state of uneasiness and apprehension, as about future uncertainties.
Fear - A feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence or imminence of danger.
Shame - A painful emotion caused by a strong sense of guilt, embarrassment, unworthiness, or disgrace.
Remorse - Moral anguish arising from repentance for past misdeeds; bitter regret.

JoAnna

Chrystal · Post by **Chrystal** » Sun Aug 08, 2004 8:08 am

Chimera wrote:
Do you think that your strong emotional reaction at the AA meeting (the uncontrollable crying) had anything to do with your slip?

If realizing that you could be an alcoholic and feeling like a failure were factors in setting up the SI slip, do you think you can stay safe in the future if continuing the 12 Steps/AA stirs up more of those kinds of feelings?

Again I went to a meeting tonight. It was actually good but once again I broke down. I have never in my life cried as much as I have in the last two days and NEVER in front of strangers before. But there I was... I said Hi My name is Chrystal and I...... "that was it... I just couldn't say anymore. I am now beginning to realise after hearing these peoples stories and feelings just how much it relates to how I'm feeling about it all and it is a little scary actually.

12 years of drinking on and off - but this it the first time I've ever gone for outside help to stop and well... I'm not handling it well. I was never one who liked reality... but yet something inside of me told me that it'd be ok if I just cut. That I'd feel better somehow. Even though SI has never been a replacement for drinking.

I think that you are right. Realising that I have got to this point and that I am an alcoholic (there I typed it! why can't i say it?) did lead to the SI. Probably because I feel like I've failed and I am realising that I haven't had control over my drinking since I was 9 years old. And thinking about all the time I've wasted getting wasted... and the loans from my mum because I keep getting myself into debt with the booze. And all the times when I told friends that I was sick or busy or something else just so that I could sit alone in my room getting pissed drunk. I realised that I wasted my teenage years on depression, alcohol, SI, caffeine highs (like serious caffeine highs - we're talking like OD on caffiene pills here!), suicide attempts.

I think that I am realising that SI is a "healthier" (though by no means actually healthy) thing than alcoholism. Plus its cheaper!

Thanks Chimera... I really appreciate your post.

And Dan, as always you are a star.

Love, chrystalxx

Chrystal · Post by **Chrystal** » Sun Aug 08, 2004 8:11 am

Dear JoAnna,

I didn't see you post till right now!

Thank you for the list. It is very helpful. Now I have to work on being able to say it outloud without either bursting into fits of giggles or tears.

lots of love, chrystalxx

guest11 · Post by **guest11** » Sun Aug 08, 2004 11:35 am

Why do you think it's so difficult to admit to being an alcoholic? If you are surrounded by other people that are, surely the chances of being rejected or belittled are smaller?

Chrystal wrote: I could have had a drink! haha. no i shouldn't laugh.

So are you saying there was alcohol available for you to drink? Because if there was, and you chose cutting instead, that shows me that you do have control over your drinking, even if it is just whether you drink or whether you cut. If you have control over that in that sort of situation, it can be expanded to "I'm going to do niether! I'm going to go out for a walk and see if I feel the same way when I get back home!" or something similar.

Chrystal · Post by **Chrystal** » Sun Aug 08, 2004 3:20 pm

No, I don't have alcohol available. Liquor and wine are only available in separate liquor stores - you can just pop into Tesco and get it. I could cross the street and go to the liquor store but here in BC the liquor stores are owned and run by the government and the hours are kinda restricted and the one here isn't open on Mondays and Sundays. I've got no more left in my apartment... though if I did I'm sure that it'd be down my throat.

I'm about to go get the ferry over to Victoria. Going for a night because Tashi's vet is there ( loong story why) and he has to get his eye checked on tomorrow morning.

Right now I have two choices:
1. Pretend that I've not joined AA and drink with my mum and finish off the whiskey bottle that's hidden under my bed over there
2. Tell her that I've joined that AA

My brain is telling me number 2 but my body is craving number 1.

At least with SI I feel like I'm under control. Oh well... its 7:15am... my little puppy doesn't want to wake up yet but he really has to go for a walk and then I'll get everything together and head down there.

TGIS (hehehe not TGIF) Thank God its Sunday - less traffic!

Chrystalxx

help_me_understand · Post by **help_me_understand** » Mon Aug 09, 2004 10:47 am

hi there, hope you don't mind my popping in. I think there have been some excellent questions here but I wanted to make an observation on something you said.

I think that I drank to escape and help me cope with my mothers drunken state and sleep

SI never helped me sleep or make me feel like I wasn't here in reality... sometimes it was almost like a "reality check"

So in effect, you were drinking to escape and SIing to bring you back to reality? Do you think that the one has an effect on the other? Because it's quite clear that you use them for different things - the SI helps you feel in control, and the alcohol allows you to lose control.

Do you think this is all about control? And if so, are there other things you do in your life which help you feel in control or out of control in a non-harming way? For example, you might draw or write to feel in control, or roll down a hill to feel out of control (sorry, slightly odd examples there!) Do you think that perhaps you need two different coping methods for your different needs?

Chrystal · Post by **Chrystal** » Tue Aug 10, 2004 9:28 am

Of course I don't mind you popping in!!!

nice to see you! hope that your work is going well.

I am beginning to think - actually as a result of this topic - that a lot of my SI and alcoholism - though by far not all of it - is partly about control. However, I don't have non-self harming ways to feel in control - yet!

I gave up writing and drawing many years ago... I was just too afraid of people finding my stuff and I now feel sort of artistically retarded.

Thank you for replying!

love, chrystalxx

swanfaerie · Post by **swanfaerie** » Tue Aug 10, 2004 10:19 am

chrystal, i just saw your thread and i think i have an observation/question and was hoping for your insight...

along w/what help_me_understand said, it seems like the alcohol is maybe not just about losing control, but perhaps being numb, not having to feel emotions??
yet the si gives you a way to feel? (i ask cuz you mentioned not being able to cry when your mother would 'punish' you unless you went to the bathroom and si'd).

it seems that both cases have to do w/not being able to handle the emotion present at the moment. 1-wanting it to go away; 2-wanting to feel something / be able to cry.

have you had any experiences where you could put away the emotions w/o numbing w/alcohol?

besides the aa meetings, have you been able to cry w/o si'ing?

just curious....perhaps look at those experiences and how they were diff from the times you drank or si'd. (if there are any that is).

swan

Today I slipped up.

Today I slipped up.

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