mistakes. please help me think this through safely.

[glass angel]

i went to a therapy 'initial meeting' last week.... i'm not sure how much it will help. she said i was already past the stage of cbt because i already don't self-harm any more, and i know my thinking is 'wrong', and it'd be a lot of hard work for not much gain... she wants me to have a psychodynamic approach. i'm not sure. she said it wasn't about balming parents, 'who knows what was going on with them', but i just cannot imagine i wasn't a securely attached child. i am passive, very much so, but i do not believe that's because my feelings weren't validated. i never had temper tantrums as a child, because that's just the way i was - i remember one sister having a couple, but my other two siblings never did either. my problems started at high school, or so i think....

anyway, off the point - she wants me to really think about things when i feel like self harm. usually i do something else until the urge goes away, but now she wants me to think about why i want to.... i'm not sure i can keep myself safe whilst doing that.

and today / last night i feel very much like i want to hurt myself. and there are several obvious trigers; i have a cold and so does my boyfriend, and we havn't shared a bed for over a week because we keep eachother awake coughing etc.; last night i got a call from a close friend saying he was in my area, and where was the nearest cash machine. he invited me to a house party, and i went, breifly, but i got the distinct feeling it was an afterthought; setting off for the party in my car, i backed into a neighbours car and cracked their bumper. i left a note aying sorry, call over and i'll give you my insurance details. i didn't feel guilty, accidents happen and i'm paying for it, but now i'm frightened waiting for them to come over - i don't know whose car it is; and at the party i bounced over to my friend and hit my head on a door frame. i've got a lump and the side of my face hurts.

so to top it all off, i want to cut myself. because i had a shitty day. although that's not striktly true - i went shopping with my mum and she bought me a coat for chirstmas... although she wanted to buy me shoes too, and i hate her trying to spend money on me.... i don't know why, it really triggers me.

so basically, how can i cope with all of this, whilst analysing why i want to hurt myself, without actually hurting myself??? (i won't get a regular therapist until january at the earliest.)

thanks for reading, please challange me and help me to think.

carrie xxxx

[glass angel]

bollocks! well.... i saw the guy whose car it was putting his serf board on top of the car (!), and braved going outside to say 'i'm the idiot who backed into your car'. anyway, he's okay about it, just gave him my insurance details.... but i still feel sick and a bit shakey.... like whenever i accidentally broke something of my mum's....

[Aly]

Well done for going up to that guy whose car you crashed into....
You shouldnt feel bad about it now, because its done and you told him and he was cool about it...And that takes guts, so well done...

About wanting to si. Its hard to safely analyse how you feel when you're feeling triggered, so what Id suggest is writing everything down. How you feel and as much of why you feel that way as possible. Basuically justwrite everything that comes into your head....

Then, when you feel in a 'safer' place or whatever, you can re-read it, and start to analyse it...

However, one thing, after you've written stuff down, dont read it until you're ready to analyse it, else you'll just want to change things and that defeats the point of the "exercise"...

Anyway, PM me if you want / need to...

DirtyMagicalAly