A Letter to your inner child

[marshmallowfluff]

If you could write a letter to your inner child, what would you say? It can be anything at all. Also, what would they write back? Would they write back? What would s/he say to you if s/he could? Will do mine in a bit

x

[treasure]

dear liitle R,
i know you're angry and sad and hiding from everyone made the hard times manageable, but its time to come out now. there are people just outside your room that will talk to you and even be your friends. you won't have to be all alone anymore. everyone gets angry and its not a bad emotion, its there for a reason. once you stop holding on to the anger maybe it will stop hurting so much? i know you don't want to hurt anymore, but now you are separating yourself more and more to avoid the hurt. maybe it will be over quick. maybe when the hurt has passed there won't be another thing behind it to hurt you again, and then you will be free for a while. even if more things happen that can hurt, just remember that it will get easier and you won't be so sensitive anymore. and you might even start to enjoy life again. i'm sorry that you were so alone and ignored but i'm going to take care of you better now and i will learn how to protect you from those people. they won't have the same power that they do now, so don't be scared, come take a walk in the sunshine with me.
love R

[Chocoboko]

This is definitely something hard to do. It's hard for me to do anything but curse at my inner child and drive it further into hiding or despair, until its trust is completely burned out.

It's late and I can't focus enough to do it now. I should do this though. I just hope I don't procrastinate, like I always do.

[Forget Me]

hey there
couple of things. its too late now to tell you to do things i wish i had done, because everything has happened now.

i wish i had valued levina ave more. i remember when i thought i would live there until i moved out of home, and then when i was older and mum moved into a smaller place, i would move back in. thats not how it happens. dont believe her when she says you will move back in after house-sitting... the house gets sold the day before your 14th birthday. you'll cry a lot. but dont think that no-one cares, because they did. gut i guess it wasnt all that helpful... cos they didnt tell you that.
just think about what you have a lot. think about jet and about your forest and about your house, because you wont have them forever. they'll be gone by the time you are 14 and it'll hurt.
if it wasnt too late, i'd tell you to stand up for the house. even though its scary, tell mum that you want to stay, or at least go back for a proper visit before it goes.

alice sisley isnt worth it. remember the name and stay away from her. she thinks she is better than you and it'll mess you up. also stay away from caroline brown and ed greig. i wouldnt have met caro or ed if it wasnt for alice, and i wouldnt be so fucked now. and try to save sophie. please, try. that girl is worth something, make sure you tell her that. she could have been something, and maybe she will, btu thats way off in the future.

oh, and for gods sake, cut down on the sugar. it'll come back to bite you in the ass if you dont. please, please, stop eating so much sugar.

you are gonna be unhappy. very unhappy. but its ok. you'll be ok. maybe you are unhappy already. but it wont last forever. it'll come back, so value the breaks. but hold on. it'll end one day.
i know you get scared. i also know you know it isnt real. so theres nothing you can do. just hold out and it'll be okay.

one thing i want you to do a lot more is sit on the deck and look up. and lie on the trampoline and look up. those stars have been there for a long time, and they will be there for a long time more. things on earth, hoewver, change. you'll change, so will your friends and you situations. change sucks. often it hurts. but hold on and remember that stars will always be there for you to look up at.

just keep going, no matter how bad you feel, because one day things will get better. maybe not in my time and not in yours. but the good times will come.

last thing - spend more time with dad.

you dont love yourself. thats sad, realy sad. but i love you.
from Laura

[marshmallowfluff]

Dear little S

I thought for a minute of what to say to you but questions just filled my head like, who are you? What happened? How are you feeling? I want to be able to feel you but all i seem to get is stress warnings. Sometimes it feels like your in so much pain your trying to break free, escape me but then other times its like i can feel you curled up, hugging yourself, getting as small as possible with no strength to fight the pain that seems to be attacking you. Im sorry, i didnt mean for this to happen, i didnt mean to let you go. I lost you. I wish i could find you again, i wish we could have fun and act childlike despite my age, i wish we could be care-free and be as one again. I know i always seem to go against you but i cant tell what you want me to do so i just listen to my head. I just want to feel again, i want you to feel again. I've mentioned pain but there is also numbness. Sometimes i feel so numb its like your dead. Please dont die, i need you. Right now it feels like your crying as you can already hear what im writing. I know i sound mad but i know your still in there, i just cant find you. These feelings i get prove you are the only person/thing that hasnt been able to escape me. Please dont hide. Im hurting too i want to help. Im sorry for the past and i know you are too but being seperate cant help. I know you blame me for the way i am and i understand why. I know you want to punish me but please dont, i cant take any more.

I'm so sorry. I really am sorry i put you through what i did. I... I dont know why i did it, but i did, and i'm sorry I put so much pressure on you to stop talking, i dont remember why. And you did stop. every time someone spoke to me, you'd make me turn round and ignore them, put my head to my chest, blank everyone and everything around me. I guess i told you time and time again to stop you did. All those speech therapists and psychiatrists trying to figure out why i was shy. Hell, why would they know if i didnt know myself? I dont rememebr what happened. Little S, what happened? Why did i not talk? Why didn't you tell me to stop it? Even when i was young, i had so much rage. It makes me wonder what happened that was so bad in my childhood that i was always angry, or that i stopped talking. Little S, can you remember? Can you tell me what happened? Can you tell me why? I know, little S, it sounds like im angry at you, because i'm not. If i've got anyone to be angry at, its ME. I was the one who made the mistakes, who forced you into doing things you didnt want to.

Can you remember when we moved over from germany, i can remember leaving all my friends. I didnt have many, i didnt get along with people. People thought i was weird, abnormal, because i wouldn't talk. Can you remember when mrs gladstone-suttcliffe made us sit outside on the bench because I refused to answer the register. Can you remember when she came up to us in the playground when we were with my sister, L, and she dragged me off, saying my mum had phoned school and ordered i didnt play with my sister. There was a massive clock on the floor, we used to play a game called tick tock, can you remember that? I remember L spent hours sat at home making up the rules for it, and what the aim of the game was. I dont remember that now, do you? Me and Emily used to sit on the patio outside and play with my makeup, do you remember that? It makes me laugh when i think of the times when mum had to wipe the lipstick that was smeared round my mouth. The amount of things of nail varnish we smashed, little S, it makes me giggle every time i think about it. I... When i was in year 2, i'd seen the film matilda, can you remember that? I can. I spent hours and hours writing out the lines from the film, ready to perform for my class with a few friends. We asked and asked miss waterhouse over and over again if we could perform, she never let us. Would we have done it, do you think if she would've? Do you think we'd have the courage, little S, to stand up in front of the class and act it out? I dont think we could've done it. I guess deep down you were scared, i was scared.

When we moved over to england, i met him. He was nice at first, we played games in his garden, in my garden. Can you remember that night when we were upset, little S, and we walked around the streets in the dark? He followed us, comforted us. Do you remember? Please remember. He was about two years older than us. Every one thought he was so great. He had the worst parents ever. That night when he slept over... I remember that like yesterday. I woke up to him getting out a bed. I'm sorry i didnt stop him. Im sorry i put you through so much pain, im sorry little S i'm so so sorry. I... I could've stopped him but i didnt. I could've stopped your pain. I felt him on me, his breath in my ear. Some thing took over my body, i couldn't move, i couldn't talk, i couldn't scream. Were you scared? Did it scare you? I stopped you playing normal games that 10 year old girls should play. I stopped you. I made you play games, with barbies. They got more and more violent, the barbies having sex with each other, raping each other, abused each other whilst the other was asleep. And you know? Them Barbies were just like you. They didnt stop Ken, they let him do it. They're plastic... They dont have pain. They're just.... plastic. You felt the pain though, i know you did. I dont remember much that happened with him, but i wish i would've stopped him, for your sake and for mine.

Do you remember when we were eleven? The abuse had stopped then, he'd moved to london, far far away where he couldn't hurt us anymore. I had a dream. Do you remember? I was walking down the street, and i was raped. I remember the physical pain i felt, the pain was clearly physical on my face, do you remember? Little S, do you? Do you remember? It was black for ages.... Then i woke up. My dad was in my room stood on my bed, taking the christmas decorations down from my window. What happened,little S? Do you know what happened? Did he do anything? It drives my insane sometimes wondering if he did. He used to call me a slut, and a slapper when we fell out. Is this why? Did he call me these names because he'd done something to me? I asked a friend about this, they said the pain probably would've woke me up. What if it wasn't his penis, but something else? What if it DID happen? For ages after that, we thought I was pregnant. It was YOU who put that thought in my head YOU did it. You told me i could be pregnant, and you know what i did because of you? The amount of times i punched myself in the stomach, i dont remember. But thats what i did. I wanted to kill any baby that was in there. I thought i was pregnant until i started my period, which was when i was 12. That was TWO years. I thought if i'd killed the baby, it was still there. After two fucking years. Little S, im sorry for getting angry. Im sorry for shouting at you. IT wasn't your fault, none of it was. You were just so young... you didnt understand... I wish i could rewind it and avoid these situations. I wish i could make it different.

Now let me tell you something. You are going to get hurt. But don't worry, because you will get through it. You stay strong, and keep strong, okay? You take care, and when you're older, and you ARE being hurt, don't blame yourself okay?

Oh, and you stay away from michaela. She's nothing but trouble. Shes part of the reason you're going to get hurt. Please, little S, stay away from her... Im sorry this letters so jumbled...

Take care, i love you
S

This is what I think she'd say back

Dear S,

S im panicking. Im sorry my feelings are so real they effect you too. Im sorry for hating and wanting to punish you i just cant help it. Im angry. I try to blame everyone else - i really do but you get yourself into such stupid situations. You get too close to people trying to get help you chase them away and we both hurt more. Im safe hiding. I cant move from where i am. It times i want to...but for now i just want to be small and try to sleep...atleast it isnt reality then. Im glad you know now that the abuse was real. Yes it hurts to know he did it but you drove yourself thinking how you could stop it...and me...all i could do was watch on as you ripping youself apart hunting for the truth. I wish i could show you all you need to remember but its too painful, i dont want to go back there again. Yet now i question you. After all we have been through, after finding a way to ask him if he did it you wonder if you should forgive him? No! I dont want you to forgive. it hurts! It feels wrong! I dont like to hate but it puts me in so much pain when you think like that. I want the pain to go away. Do you think it ever will? I cant remember a time we were truely happy. You've never been happy with what you get....you always wanted more. You have made us do such terrible things that i dont even want to say any more. I know you just want to be loved but not everyone can love you and if we carry on like this love will never exist. I know i drive everyone away but im scared, i panic, i begin to feel more uncomfortable and ashamed. Im sorry. Why have you heard of some good times, yet cant remember? Why do we dwell on the bad? I want it to go away, why wont it leave me? I dont want to escape you but your hurting me, destroying me. Remember that time when we were at grandma and grandads and she taught us to read? No thats just what people have said...what the photos show. We used to adore her...always stay with her when we could so what happened? Why cant you be like that now? She hasnt hurt us, i hope she never does. What about christmas times? When you were younger they had so much fun, excitement in them, where has that gone? Nothing seems fun or exciting any more. I know im holding onto the past but it just wont go...im scared of letting you let go...you did it before and it didnt help it just drove you mad with questions and doubt i dont want to face that again. I guess we "belong" in the family we got. The family with people who commit suicide, cut them selves and are depressed...but i dont want to...cant we escape that? I know our parents are good people deep down and i know i can hate them at times which makes us feel guilty but no one is perfect and sometimes they hurt me too with out realising how much. I bruise easily - you know that. Pain hurts more for me than it should i guess we usually call it "weakness". I dont know what to do. Im trapped and im sorry for everything.

take care,

Love from
Little S