**SU & SI trigs**
I have been dealing with depression & a past attempted SU & SI for about 6 years now. Many of my closest friends also have similar histories.
One of the best of these friends is Emily. Emily also has major problems with SI & she often tells me that I know more about her than anyone. I also know that I am the only person she really talks to about her SI b/c I understand where she is coming from. She doesn't have to explain herself & her motives... you know what I mean.
Late Friday night, Emily tried to commit SU. She had several drinks (vodka) & then took a bunch of her roommate's antibiotic pills. Shortly before she took the pills, Emily & I had been talking on IM online. I felt really helpless and useless b/c Emily would not answer her phone and would not call me. It is hard to talk to her online. I tried to distract her, but it wasn't working. She kept telling me she hated her life & belonged in the hospital. She joked about taking pills, but has done this a lot in the past. I never when to believe her anymore.
On the other hand, I know what it's like to be SU. I tried to commit SU in a similar way 5 1/2 years ago. I know how hard it is for anyone to get across to you when you feel that way.
I was also feeling a little used by Emily. I am really the only person she talks to when she is this depressed, and while I want her to know I am there for her, I have been getting overwhelmed in dealing with her. I didn't want to tell her that all of her talk of SI and SU was triggering me b/c I knew it would upset her. I also knew there was no real way I could "help" her-- I should say that I live in Virginia and she is in college in upstate New York, so we are not within close range of each other.
At 2am on Friday night, Emily's roommate called me to tell me what had happened & said that Emily wanted her to call me. She also said they were taking her to the hospital. I could hear Emily crying and drunk in the background.
I couldn't sleep. Was up crying and frustrated, coming out of my skin, almost all night.
At 9am, Emily's dad (who I know well) called me. He was on his way to New York (her family is also from Virginia) & had been called by the hospital at 4:30am. He asked me if I knew what was going on. I told him, only because I knew that Emily couldn't and wouldn't, and I felt he should know. Emily's dad is a psychiatric nurse. I did not, however, tell him about her SI & he didn't ask. I felt like a hypocrite telling him all this, knowing that I have many of the same problems myself.
To make a long story short, Emily was in the psych ward all morning and they wanted to keep her there through Sunday for observation. But Emily's dad convinced the doctors to release Emily into his care. He really wanted to get her home more than anything. Emily was diagnosed as being bipolar (which I find odd) & is now home in Virginia (about 2 hours from me) for the week.
She is inher dad's care, but will be seeing a psychiatrist this week as well and will begin counseling when she returns to NY.
My issue is this-- I am having a REALLY hard time dealing with this. I have been having a hard time dealing with Emily lately & my job has been really stressful (to the point of wanting to quit) lately. Now with the events of this weekend, I feel like i am nearing my breaking point with what I can handle.
I also feel a little angry at Emily b/c she has no idea (and can't really think of anyone else besides herself right now, which I understand) how hard this has been for me. I hardly want to talk to her, though I have talked to her 3 times today alone. I don't want her to know how frustrated I am b/c I know it won't help her. But I feel like I am going to just lose it & feel guilty that I couldn't stop her from taking the pills on Friday night. I really feel guilty about that since i was the last person she talked to before it happened.
I don't know how to deal with all this. I am going to see my therapist tomorrow, thank god. I left a message on her voicemail on saturday to let her know waht was going on.
I am also going to see Emily on Tuesday afternoon.
I don't know if I should say anything to her about my own frustrations and how depressed this whole thing has made me.
I just dont know what to do with all this anger and frustration. I did SI on Friday night for the first time in 2 1/2 weeks & was upset that I had broken my SI-free string of days. It's also hard b/c I feel like there is no one I can talk to about it-- no friends, that is. EIther they can't handle hearing it or they know Emily and she wouldn't want me to tell them.
I am at a loss.
What would you do? Please respond.
love,
Aimee
