undesired feelings.

[forest]

hello everyone. its been a while and ive never really posted but im back for advice and a differant perspective. seeing as this is really my first true post here i read the rules but i will add a spoiler because i will talk about very negative feelings i have and dont wish to make anyone's e-life complicated thus:.....*spioler*(did i spell that right? oh josh...)
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ok im asking for help in a particular area and seeing as this is coping i will add it here. my problum is that givin my nataral emotional nature i have a bad habit(sort of) of feeling things that dont apply to a situation and that ive never really felt in real life.
EX: just a few seconds ago i had the troubling feeling of being in a bathroom while i si and everyone is on the other side laughing, partying and other wise having a good time. the acute emotions i felt were lonliness and yet at the same time a diluted numbness or such. and all i could think is that i have (mind the spioler people) my arm over the toilet and just dont stop. its like looking at it from a camera with a light blue shaded lens on it.
but the problume with this is i simply was sitting here at my freindly naighberhood library( go books!) while listening to some music. as you can imagine such feelings can be uncomfortable while in public. and it happins now with greater regularity. for a time i could hold them off( only because i self-injured) with great focus after i noticed this as a problum. but now i will one moment be me and then feel some strong emotion. i no longer desire such intense feelings but dont wish to have to si to bring myself back to reality. and this is only part of the problum( i have many posts at scar tissue on ezboards, same name, forest if you want some more info but be safe of course).
and i have no wish to be on meds again but if this is neccisary just so i can have sanity in my life i may have too. terapy i would belive to be helpful if i can find a doctor or such that will take me(doubt that, i tend to wareout doc's).
at present i am unsure if this problum has a direct link to my inability to stay "in the moment" or keep my focus on the present without my mind wandering back to an anne rice novel or the ever present "the mists of avalon" and such.
if anyone has some sugestions i would gladly have them and just to know im not alone would be more valuable to me then gold.
untill then, hasta luego-josh

[ianthe]

Hi Josh, I was moved by your entry because I can identify with the problem of unwanted images and emotions. I'm new here also, so I don't really know how to give advice, but I can share my experiences.

What you are describing is somewhat similar to what happens to me in certain situations, but a big difference is that I get spontaneous images after having an emotion. For me, I will feel some emotion (on a scale from 1-10) at, say, a level 2 or 3. This is caused by being in a situation I don't like, or from a train of thought I was having. Then all these very scary and disturbing images will start flooding my brain, mostly wherein I am hurting myself or other people. This will then raise my negative emotions to a level 5 or 6. This is occasionally accompanied by a panic attack.

I have no idea why it happens or how to get rid of it. It does happen considerably less (and each episode is less severe) since I got over the worst parts of my depression (I'm on meds). I have been SI-free for about 4 months, but before that SI did help me get over an episode sooner. I never felt the disconnection from reality that you do, but my emotions were so intense that I had to get through them before I could do anything else.

So now when I get these feeling and images I try to control them and push them down before they can get a real hold on me. I don't know if this is very healthy because it might be all "bottled up" somewhere, but it does help me short term. And in order to keep the emotions down I have turned to other negative coping methods ( like eating a lot and smoking). And I still get urges to SI, but they are controllable.

(I forgot one other thing that helped me, and that was to try and see the image as not so negative and upsetting, but just as something neutral that didn't have any meaning. So instead of thinking "oh this is so terrible what is happening in this image," I would think "oh look, there I am, isn't that interesting. It's like a movie.")

I hope this was of some help, if just so you don't feel too weird or anything. I really wish you luck, Josh, in figuring it all out and being able to live the way you want to, free from those kinds of emotions and free from SI. It's great that you want to quit, for me it was one of the best decisions I ever made.

Take care,
ianthe

[mallie]

Hi Josh.

Welcome to bus. I hope you're able to find what you're looking for here.

The first part of what you describe (the feelings happening not in the situation) sounds a lot like an intrusive thought to me. Something that is very distressing, that sort of comes and invades your mind for no apparent reason. There are strategies for dealing with this sort of thing - relaxation and visualisation techniques and that sort of thing.

There have been a few threads before about visualising self-harm, or having the images come into your mind. Here are a couple of links that might help you feel less alone.

viewtopic.php?p=1383976#1383976
viewtopic.php?t=71198
viewtopic.php?t=36003

I actually have to get offline now, but I'll try and get back with some more ideas later on.

Love Mallie.