I don't get it......

[jatho11]

I am hoping that it is just me and is temporary but I don't get it......

I had a session with T this morning and was talking about a conversation that I had with him and the way that I ended up feeling as a consequence. I am actively trying at this point to make sure that I interpret events and things that people say to me and do in an accurate manner. I have a real tendency to take on board others feelings and allow them to dictate to me and not say anything to them about how it is affecting me and this leaves me feeling low, isolated and alone......

I get the part that I don't have to be responsible for other peoples feelings, I would even go so far as to say that I get the part that others cannot make me feel something that this is me and in my head. I get the part that I am not communicating effectively enough to let people know how I am feeling and have the right to say 'Don't tread on me' but this is the part I don't get.....then what??

If I say that and they continue to ignore me or what I have said what do I do then? Is it really possible to go around in this world unaffected by what others say and do? That I really don't get, are there people out there that can do this and how the hell do I do that, I feel like I can't......but maybe I just don't know how? Seems all a bit strange and confusing.....maybe I am just confused...a little help please to sort out my messed up brain and thinking?

JAT

[plantt]

i think... it's learning to let it be 'in the situation'... rather than generalizing...
at least for me i think that's a part of it.
when i hurt someones feelings then i feel badly. i'm impacted by how they feel. imo that's one reason that we have feelings. it's a way to be communicate how we take a situation.
it's important though that i realize that it's only that individual who feels badly... & what i did that resulted in that(whether it's something that i believe i might want to do differently or not)... & that i don't then let it turn into an '& everyone would have taken it that way & i'm a horrible awful person...'
i think it works the same way for feeling ignored at times when i have really worked to communicate clearly. i think it's a matter of reminding myself that the world isn't perfect. not everyone will respond in the way i'd like them to. not everyone will care. etc. sometimes people will ignore me. & other times they won't. i may choose to stop communicating so clearly with people who repeatedly ignore me or respond in a hurtful way. & that's alright... so long as i don't let it stop me from communicating clearly with everyone.

if that makes sense...

[jatho11]

I sort of ( )get what you are saying and I'll have a think about that and see how it sits and feels....thanks.

[Tamrick]

I don't think the idea is never to be affected by what other people say - if you did that then you would be a cold person and no one would matter to you.

For me its about seeing things from the other persons point of view or at least making allowances for them. For example if someone were to shout at me and moan a lot I would at first feel bad, but then I'd make up some reason for why that person might be shouting - maybe they had a car accident today, maybe they have bad PMS, maybe they failed a test, maybe they owe someone money and they are stressed about that.

That takes the blame away from me and lets me take time to think about whether it is me or them or a combination. Maybe I did do something wrong, but perhaps they overreacted. That doesn't mean you can excuse everything people say or do and you can't just ignore them cause they may have a point, but it lets you try to see things from more than one view.

Hang in there. You don't have to get things right all at once. You just need to keep trying.

Tamrick