i've got a little more than three hours left in my life as a minor. i'm turning 18 tomorrow, though i suppose in england i'm already 18, since it's already february 10 there. what a strange thought.
*si*
the last time i deliberately injured myself was June 15, 2004. that means i've been si-free for more than 6 months. though i cut myself more than 20 times that day, which is saying something since usually i only cut three or four times at a time.
i think it hasn't been too difficult because i left bus and so SI or SI-ers weren't constantly on my mind, but this week i've just felt so heavy. heavy-laden with sadness. i don't know why. and this birthday business is irritating me. not that i don't want to get older - i don't care about that, and i don't think i ever will (after all, every year i live means a nother year closer to Heaven and to my mother). i just don't want all this attention, when i deserve nothing, or less than that. and i feel like it's false attention. people care because they want to show that they care so they seem like good people... because at other times, what am i to them? (which is a very cynical and depressing view of people... but oh well) and how do i possibly celebrate a birthday when the person who gave birth to me is dead?
i think i just want to sleep and not get up. it's one of those times, when nothing feels like it will ever be ok again. and how can it be?
p.s. sorry for posting in coping; i didn't want attention on the main board and i don't want to post in my place because i know certain people will read it and feel bad. feel free to remove this post...
