Not sure what to do....

[PokemonGeek]

As you all know, I had a pretty bad high school experience and it'll be 10 years since I graduated. But I am having trouble with how I was treated in school and letting go of it. I need closure very badly as I know I am not moving forward completely like I should. I don't know if I should go to a reunion if they have one and confront certain people assertively and telling them how they made me feel. I kept being told that no one cared about me or what I had to say. It's a miracle I never fully attempted to kill myself to be honest. I mean these kids threw things at me, said some racist slurs within earshot, harassed me in many ways, and some even shoved me and would open my bookbag and make everything fall out of it on purpose. I just don't know what to do here and would appreciate some advice here.

[swirlish]

Personally, I would never go to a reunion. I had the same experiences as you for most of my time in school I had a lot of thoughts and fantasies about confronting the people who hurt me, to make them see what they did and to make them apologize. I highly doubt it would have turned out well had I gone.

For me, the most important thing was to come to peace with what happened inside myself. I ultimately didn't need anyone else to tell me that what happened to me was wrong and abusive and horrible, I just needed myself to acknowledge that it was. Then I needed to take a step aside and say "yes, that happened, it was horrible, it affected me deeply, i'm allowed to feel what I feel. But I need to leave what happened in the past,. It happened. But I have to live with it and I *refuse* to let it destroy the rest of my life." I think of it as "putting away the ghosts". It'll always be with me, it shaped me and sometimes it still haunts me, but I have to allow myself to live in the present.

Years ago, I went back to the school parts of it happened in. I walk through the halls, remembered things and realized that it really was in the past. I was really nervous and scared of going into the building before I did, but it.. it was just a building. What had been so scary about it were my projections and fears - but they can't hurt me now. It was a great realization.

So, my advice is - don't go.
If you do go, think about what your goal is, think about what possible outcomes there could be and think about how you would react/feel about all of them. If they tell you you're a loser and you should die now, how will you cope with that? Do you want to expose yourself to that?

I also realized that my anger, hate, revenge-lust etc. was only hurting me. They couldn't care less, they weren't effected by it, but it was destroying me and draining me of energy. They're not worth my energy. So I won't give them anymore of it.

Mia

[carlaford]

this is only advice go to the reunion its a yearly activity be your self forget the fast.. enjoy

[treasure]

when i first confronted my mum about abuse as a child she had very little memory of actions and words that i was majorly hurt by. there was no closure in that conversation, and there still isn't even as she tries to figure out who she is and tries to make up for the past. the pain and hurt of the past is not something she can undo, and not something i can heal from in a short period of time or after an apology (her apology means very little to me as she has no idea what she really did, how she really acted and how such actions/words would scar a child. if she is ever in a place to understand and empathise and really apologise, i still doubt that will fix anything).

i don't think you should go to your reunion. i have some issues with my time at high school and i think it might be too difficult for me to cope with a reunion, i'm not the strong/confident sort of person i want to be, and i'm not ok with airing my vulnerability (again) either.

if you want to have conversations with old classmates they are quite likely on an alumni mailing list you could get over the phone to the school, or you could probably contact them by facebook or similar. setting up a conversation is a more healthy, proactive approach, and maybe you want to hear their "side" (like what might've happened to them to cause such behaviour), but i don't know if you can expect much from going over the past.

[Just Pomegranates]

I have to agree with Mia and Treasure. I don't think going to the reunion will really do much other then making you vulnerable again, possibly making the other people feel vulnerable as well, and quite possibly embarrassing you all.

Maybe writing them letters where you say the things you want to say and mailing it to them later (if you are able to) would be a better way to get closure?