I'm not talking to one of my friends at the moment, or at least I don't think we're talking... It's not so much that we fell out, I think it's more we've agreed to just take a step back from each other. It was getting pretty intense due to issues unrelated to my sh... Or lack of it, think that was possibly part of the problem (in that I think about coping without it...)
It's almost as though sh is still my obsession but it's been turned around so that I'm constantly thinking of ways to make me and my life better... For example realising that I should perhaps be more dedicated in moisturising after a shower. Not only will I smell nice and have nice skin but other people might think "Hey she smells of strawberries." or whatever. Or if I realise I could actually be putting an intensive conditioner on my hair it would make me feel better about myself (perhaps) becauase my hair is shiney/silky/lies better... There's other things like "maybe if i have an apple it'll fill me up better than a slice of toast?"
It's like i'm constantly thinking of things to make me feel better, make me look better and ultimately become more confident and like myself better. And I'm not saying it's a bad thing, not at all. But I think I'm perhaps stressing over it too much. But if I don't go at it full pelt... Do I need to be intense about it to keep me going?
It's coming up to 11 months since I last slipped up and I got the fright of my life back in November/December time when my friend mentioned sh when neither of us had mentioned it since May, and all he said was "Hows that going? You're doing really well by the way." WHich is a nice thing for him to say but it made my stomach lurch and I was like "CRAP I've... Wait hang on a second, I've not even thought about it since May let alone been tempted to do it..."
Every time I do something, like go for a long walk or go for a swim, I feel I have to tell someone. Or if I think of a new hobby I can do to distract myself, and because I like it, I have to tell someone. And then i feel a bit deflated when nobody says, "What a brilliant idea! Well done you!" but then I contradict myself entirely on here by requesting nobody says how well I'm doing!!!!
Even just being on BUS, it used to end up making me feel bad and I'd avoid coming on here for fairly long periods of time. It's been about a month or so that I've been coming on here periodically and posting, getting advice (which I like because it's always good advice) and occasionally replying to others... I guess i'm confused at me coping? And maybe I'm scared that i'll fall flat on my face.
I guess the other scary thing is that I talk so much about how I'm doing al this stuff to keep me happy (and I am a lot happier) that if/when the day comes that I sh, I won't have a leg to stand on because my friends will be like "Wtf did you do that for?"
Maybe I'm mourning the loss of sh? I can't really go back and do it anymore, can I?
If anybody manages to make sense of my ramblings and reply with any comments, thank you
