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So after 9 years of SI, and always feeling like I should stop for other people and it not working, or after trying to be forced to stop and that not working either... I've finally realized that stopping for me is what I want to do this time. I think that might make it even harder. There's so much that I'm scared of in doing it, and it's a bit overwhelming. It's just been my way of dealing with things, from the past, etc, for so long, and I don't know what else to do. But, I'm trying. I've made it 8 days at this point, which, to me, is a long time. Last night I actually had a conversation with a friend of mine, about SI (only 4 of my friends here at school are aware that I do this) and she challenged me and asked me whether, since I want to stop, I would be willing to get rid of the thing I use. That, to me, is the scariest thing. I mean, it's scary enough to think about wanting to stop and wanting to be free from all of it. I just don't know whether getting rid of the thing I use would be the next best step.
I mean, I'd say I usually (used to, before I started trying to stop) do it 3-4 times a week. I don't know whether the best thing would be to just try to gradually stop doing it, while still having the thing in my possession so that it doesn't feel so... stripped away. Although, maybe that's what I need. Or, whether the best thing would just be to get rid of the thing I use, because really, it's not even like that's final. If I really wanted to do it, there are plenty of other things, all over the place, that I could use. It's just... the fact that I wouldn't have it anymore.
I'm just so scared. I'm scared of not having it on me, and then of needing to do it and then having to go find something else. I'm scared that those who know that right now, stopping is something that I'm trying to do, and therefore have expectations of me that I will stop. I'm scared that if I screw up and slip, they'll be disappointed. I'm scared of not actually being ready to get rid of the thing (but then again, that might be the most effective way to help me stop - it just seems so final, even though it's entirely not.) I'm scared that nothing else will work/be this effective.
I don't know if any of this makes sense... it's just my jumbled thoughts running around my head, constantly battling both sides (i.e. whether to just get rid of the thing and then see what happens, or whether to keep it until I'm more ready to get rid of it, and just try to stop). I really do want to stop. It's just so hard and scary. So, in all of this jumble, I guess what I'm asking is for your opinions on what would be the first best step. Sorry to ramble on... it's just something I'm wrestling with. Thanks in advance.
