Hospital screwing with my mind. Please share.

[Luscious Peanut]

Friday night I found my self SI-ing out of the ordinary, not sticking to the ritual, out of control. I had a moment of clarity and decided to check myself into the hospital because I knew my hubby couldn't monitor me all night (he'd eventially fall asleep) and I would have found a way to loose total control. I really wanted to just let it all go.

I sat there, in my hospital room, not allowed to be with my hubby, with a person watching me all night. I'm all torn about this experience. I've never ben to the hospital for this before. When it's bad I make sure the bleeding is under control at home. I don't know what to think of it. Have I crossed a line where this problem is officially real? Or is this good? Am I officially taking responsibility for my problems?

ANyone gone through this hospital experience? I know on the grand scheme of things it isn't so severe... but it's messing with my head... What was your experience? I don't know how to make sense of it. Does it mean anything? I'm so confused. It all feels so bizarre.
Thanks,
LuciPea

[Ruby Tuesday]

I was in hospital for three weeks in Feb, and it was something that I didn't plan. I think that the only good thing that came of it was that it forced me to admit (to myself, my family, my friends, my employer) how unwell I was. Other than that, I didn't find the experience helpful or indeed, unhelpful. It was frustrating .... I just stayed in my room all the time. There were no activities, no interaction with the staff, nothing to do.... Plus the ward varied in the severity of illness of those there, which was a bit scary at times.

I'm glad that you went to the hospital if you recognised you weren't safe. Are you still there now? Either way, what help would you like from them? What does it mean to you?

take care xx

[Luscious Peanut]

Yeah. I'm glad I went cause I knew SOMEone had to watch me... but I think I have a similar impression --not really helpful except for the part about realizing this is a real thing, a real problem. But I just sat there. I'm home now. I went back to work today, Monday. I don't know if I needed time off. If I want time off. I'm so confused.

[Luscious Peanut]

I guess I'm just looking to hear about other people's hospital experiences, that's all.

[Pissenlit]

I was in the hospital as an inpatient for a week when I was 18 (I'm 30 now) after an attempted SU. It made me feel very vulnerable but also it was good to have this "real" thing that made my pain "real" and not having to pretend like everything was okay when it really wasn't (at least, while I was in the hospital; I still had to pretend with friends, because they couldn't deal, and I definitely had to pretend with family, because they made it WORSE when I got out of the hospital with guilt trips and *attempted drugging against my will* (no joke), so... it was a nice respite from the outer world). Though in that place I had group therapy and other activities to do; I was on SU watch but that didn't entail someone sitting with me all night (I would have never slept)... it entailed me not being allowed to have ANYTHING with which I might hurt myself (even things that I couldn't fathom hurting myself with)... including shoelaces, spiral notebooks (because of the wire), etc., and leaving the door open to my room. It was good and scary at the same time. It was kind of a validation, a break, a respite from my life, but also terrifying and unreal and made me feel so vulnerable as well. I should say that this wasn't the regular hospital; I started off at the regular hospital (the undoing of my attempted SU definitely added to the terror factor), but the next day I was transferred to a half psych ward/half nursing home place because the psych ward in the regular hospital was empty and I would have been all by myself. The ward itself was in lockdown apart from the nursing home half but we were free to roam the ward when we weren't in groups or individual therapy. They wanted me to stay longer (and I probably would have), but my insurance wouldn't pay for it. As it was they pre-approved my stay and I still had to fight them tooth and nail to pay it for about a year after my stay; every month I got a bill, and every month I called the insurance and said, "I don't have any money to pay this. You said you would pay it, so pay it. 'Cause I'm not. I don't care how many times I have to call you, but you are paying for all of it because you said you would." They made tiny payments all year long until it was done. I guess they were hoping I would give up and pay the balance so they wouldn't have to pay what they promised, but I didn't.

Don't know if hearing my story would be helpful at all, but I hope so.

[Never Again]

everytime i went to the hospital, i was kept, because i went in because i was su. i've been i/p four times, and hte shortest was for two weeks. but each time i went in, it was through the er. so, i guess i do have hospital experiences then, don't i? i was kept on watch, each time until they found a psych hosp to send me to.

umm.... each there was lost time from disociating and other such substances. but i do know that there were guards, yes, an actual hospital guard outside of my room on at least two of the occassions. that was really embarrassing. like i was a criminal or i was going to need an actual cop or something to control me. just because i was a mental patient.

i'd say that at first, i didn't care. i even si'd at the hospital, real good, with the rent-a-cop guarding me right outside my room. wouldn't recommend that! they kinda freak. but it never phased me. i was so numbed out. but was thinking, wow, if this doesn't affect me, then what's gonna? well, for me it's the stuff that i learned from therapy, and group, and dbt that helped me to stop being numb to it, that's the stuff that helped me. there was no big moment, or epiphany, where i suddenly woke up and realized i had to change. i don't think things actually happen that way in real life, although we wish they would.

i hope you are doing well. did you take time off of work? i know for me, it helps being at work so i have a distraction. even if i'm not getting much done, it's better than being home alone. how has your day been?

take gentle care

[Luscious Peanut]

Thanks, you guys for sharing your experiences. They DO help me make sense of things. I guess it does make me realize my problems are actually real. I DID need that guard, though. My goal, before I stopped myself and checked myself in, was gruesome.

At the first ER they didn't station someone in front of me, they just walked by a lot and acted like I needed a 'friend' or something, and I SIed with my earrings. [sigh] I wanted to do it in front of the security dude at the second hospital but didn't have the balls. I wanted to scream at them all --those people can be so clueless. I wanted to show them how clueless they were.

Work DOES help. I work with Special Ed kids in middle and high school. Mostly angry boys. (I'd be pissed too, if I had their lives.) My job is insanely hard and overwhelming, but the thought of even the possibility of not being able to go back to that job is what pulled me together in the end. hm.

[SueJ999]

I've laid in bed thinking I need to go inpatient sometimes. My biggest fear is the insurance companies! Will I be uninsurable if I've been admitted as SI? as SU?

[Luscious Peanut]

Maybe you could get your shrink to find out from your insurance company for you. I hate calling insurance.

[Spidey]

I've laid in bed thinking I need to go inpatient sometimes. My biggest fear is the insurance companies! Will I be uninsurable if I've been admitted as SI? as SU?

That all depends on where you live. Some will raise your rates considerably if you have a history of mental health issues/dx, and some just *won't* cover you for mental health issues, but will for everything else.

[SueJ999]

As administrator for our company's health insurance, I do know that it's covered (facility and docs) 100% for if/when I'm there. But you never know what kinds of rate 'surprises' will show up at renewal time!

I think it's just an excuse I use sometimes...

[Luscious Peanut]

If you need to go, you need to go. You know? Rate changes shmate changes. If you need to go to the hospital, just go and worry about it later. My husband has a rare hereditary connective tissue disorder and sometimes, we just have to bite the bullet and go to the hospital. Not to be overly dramatic, but your life is worth it.

[Luscious Peanut]

and you're lucky it's covered 100%.

[badgirl22]

I was in the hospital twice. Once was for SI and one was because I was SU. Yes, there were guards and yes it was humiliating because they came and checked what you were doing every 10 minutes. It wasn't helpful at all to me and at the end I ended up SIing with the littlest things like plastic knives.

Going to the hospital is not fun and boring and it isn't worth it. It doens't help me stay safe and it doesn't help me feel any better. I guess I am just frustrated because my pdoc was talking about the hospital as what she might recommend if my SU behaviors continue.

I dono. Sometimes I think F-k it and sometimes I just want to fight it all the way.

-Badgirl22

[Inthebox]

When I was first doing out of control SI (at work in the bathroom), calls to crisis centers, cops at my house, I went to the local general hospital ward. Was it useful? I don't know, at least my family realized - after hospitalization #3 that something was wrong. But the groups were lame and I got into a lot of trouble there with Si'ing. I didn't really care at that time.

But at the time there were still psychologists at the hospital, so I got hooked up with someone that I could see inpatient and outpatient.

The hospital and that T. saved my life. If I was going to SU, I went there instead. I had all kinds of negative experiences with how I was treated, but it still saved my life.

After about a year of that nonsense I went to a 'real' hospital that had a DBT inpatient unit - I was there inpatient for 6 months and outpatient for 3 months. It was the best experience of my recovery. It was a turning point for me and although I couldn't take it all in because I was still somewhat agrumentative, I learned how to not cut over a long period of time, which I couldn't do before I went there. They really tried to help us there and the groups were awesome.

I had a 10 year haitus until a recent relapse. I didn't feel a general hospital would really help me other than being a holding tank (which is okay for safety, but not for learning). I found a hospital for PTSD that I went for a 2 week stay. Again, it was positive and taught me that I did have control to stop cutting again and had skills for dealing with the feelings as well as facing the feelings instead of running away from them.

I know the answer was long, but I think you did the right thing by going. You knew you were out of control and you needed to be watched. Can you get sick days at work to just get a little break?

[joho]

I was in the hospital once. it sucked. but i needed to be there, and that's as simple as it gets - when one needs to go they need to go.

i hated myself. got meds. am fine now.

and re the insurance companies....i worried about that too for a LONG TIME, but eventually i just bit the bullet and said hey, your life is important. plan for today. not tomorrow you know? it'll take care of itself

[Luscious Peanut]

After looking back on my experience for awhile, and reading your experiences, the hospital thing probably saved me a lot of scars, but as soon as I came home, I started SIing again. It was like I didn't reach my gruesome goal, and I had a one track mind. I SIed in the hospital with my earrings, it didn't matter at the time. But now, I feel like that's past, and the hospital screwed with my mind enough to make me think, "Whoah." I feel like the severe stuff is out of my system for the time being BECAUSE of that bizarre hospital experience.

I agree, if you gotta go to the hospital, just go. Sort out insurance and other stuff later. Just go. It'll help even if the people there are idiots.

If you read this thread, and have thought about going to the hospital, or have gone before, please keep sharing your experiences.