Stormy's search for sanity (read first post!)

Post by **strmdncr** » Sun Aug 26, 2007 8:00 am

This is not intended to take the place of my regular place.I have created this as a place for myself to write letters to the people in my life (real life, not bus people) to say to them things that for various reasons I am unable, unwilling or discouraged from saying directly to them. Please feel free to read and comment but recognize that this is being used as my safe place and I do reserve the right to ask at any time that people remove their comments if I am for some reason not comfortable with them.

Right off I shall let you know to expect LA triggers. I am not going to write on every post I put in here to watch for language b/c I know that most of my posts in here will contain cursing. If you choose to read you are doing so with this knowledge.

Any other triggers I will post before I write. If I haven't managed to scare you off with all of this, welcome to my secondary home.

Post by **strmdncr** » Sun Aug 26, 2007 8:26 am

To L, M & N,

Please stop blaming everyone else in your life for everything that has gone wrong or bitching about how nothing ever goes right or how much you hate your life, how people are driving you crazy etc if you are not going to fucking bother try to do anything to change things yourself. Running from the situation, complaining to me, throwing temper tantrums and all the rest do not lead me towards wanting to listen and help, I end up most times feeling a sense of anger. I recognize for myself that part of that has to do with my not setting stronger boundaries with you as to what I will and will not listen to, but when I suggest things to you all I get is "that never works" or "why should I do that?" or "what good will that do when so and so doesn't change?". It will fucking help b/c you are changing yourself. Do you people not fucking realize that all the wrongs in the world are not b/c of all those around you, rather you play a part in it??? M...quit fucking bitching all the time about what the people around you are doing and realize that you are more negative about things occurring around you than how negative the actual event/people you are complaining about are. N...if you would stop bitching about how everything in your life has gone wrong and start seeking some help maybe things would start going right. Yes, bad things have happened in your life but that doesn't mean you can't try to get past them. Bad things have happened in all our lives but it's time to start accepting your responsibility in some of it and figure out how to change it. L...when will you start taking some responsibility for things in your life? Beyond that, the temper tantrums scare me, I've told you that before and it is not blackmail, it is the truth, I will not continue to live with you if that is what you will insist on doing. I understand that you have dysthemic disorder and so you have depression problems but if you aren't going to bloody fucking well follow up on your appointments and stick with the meds then your not going to get any better. Fucking well grow up, your mother died a long time ago (which sucks, it shouldn't have happened when it did) but you are not a little boy any more and I'm not going to accept the bullshit that your mother did.

Essentially just start taking responsibility for yourselves, and for your actions and you will find that things in life do change some. I know it's hard...I've being working on my stuff for some time and yeah, it hurts but it can be done. I love you all but you exhaust me some days and I just need some help from you by you accepting that you have some responsibility in making things change. I love you all

Post by **strmdncr** » Thu Aug 30, 2007 7:46 am

You stupid moronic fucking idiots....I can't believe I talked to you about concerns around this stuff back in October or November of 05 and was told all kinds of shit. Now it turns out that my concerns were valid and you decide to do an investigation etc. Don't you idiots think the family is calling and the family doctor is agreeing about concerns that maybe you should pay a bit more attention to them. Now the kids are going through all sorts of stuff and so is the rest of the family. You people can be so effing annoying....but yeah, i know there are rules and procedures just....those kids are important to me, as is their safety, physical, emotional etc and you just need to know that.

Silent_Tears · Post by **Silent_Tears** » Fri Aug 31, 2007 1:10 am

Keep getting it out. Is it helping any?

Post by **Spidey** » Fri Aug 31, 2007 2:35 am

Stormy - new place!

- wish I had time to read your letters more in-depth.

:: leaves a bunch of spiderwebs and a

Post by **strmdncr** » Fri Aug 31, 2007 6:36 am

N,

What the fucking hell is up with you that you always run from your problems? Do you not realize how much of a problem this will result in or what? Sometimes I just want to scream at you and get you to understand but you never seem to do so. This isn't about you and what you want from things...this is about what is best for them...why can't you fucking realize that. I hear that you are worried and that you just want to keep them but for fuck sakes this bullshit...it's just going to make things worse, not better...and it puts me in such a difficult position, what the fuck do I do? I hate this, I hate how I feel when this kind of thing goes on and I hate not knowing and being able to trust you. Just stick around and get some bloody fucking help, please...don't do this, you're just hurting everyone all over again, including those you think you are going to protect.

Post by **strmdncr** » Sat Sep 01, 2007 5:56 pm

Thanks ST and Spider for stopping by

Post by **strmdncr** » Sat Sep 01, 2007 7:19 pm

To myself,

You have been here before, these feelings occurring inside you at this time are not new. You have skills that you didn't have last time you felt this way that you can access, but you need to make the decision to use them. This is something that you can make it through, it is okay to cry when you need to and to feel things including anger. Remember to observe, to take time to just let the emotions come as they will and stay non-judgemental, don't focus on them, don't think of them as good or bad, just accept them and then let them go. Believe in yourself, lots of others do and they can't all be wrong or lying to you. You are worth taking care of, remember to do that. Most of all as hard as it is, keep on hoping for the best.

Silent_Tears · Post by **Silent_Tears** » Sat Sep 01, 2007 10:26 pm

Good letter to yourself. Now just keep trying to follow it!

Post by **strmdncr** » Wed Sep 05, 2007 4:48 pm

To my urges, (possible si triggers)
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I hate you, I hate that you occur, that you ever started, that I learnt the methods I did to cope with life and that they worked so well that now I have to fight against the urges to use them on a regular basis. I want you to be gone, to not exist, to leave me alone and let other options be in the foreground for a change. I am doing all this work to change myself, to learn new skills to take care of me so fuck off and go away. Look at it non-judgementally I am told...just observe and describe I am told and they will ease and go away. I've tried those things, at least I feel like I have and yet you constantly pop yourself into my thinking...just buy a blade, just b/c you buy it doesn't mean you have to use it you say to me. Bullshit...I tried that one, it worked for a while...right up until life hit a huge stress pocket and without even thinking about it I just grabbed the blade and cut. Do you know how degrading and depressing it is to have to admit to yourself that your T was right, that you were wrong about your ability to do certain things. I hated that too and I hated that I had to go through all my things to do a clean out b/c of it all. It made me feel like shit to know that I couldn't do something as simple as have certain types of knives around. Dissociation urges...it would be nice if you would fuck off for a while too. I know you kept me safe many times but you are not really a healthy coping mechanism either. Disappearing from myself so that I can't connect with things is exhausting to come back from, to have to fight my way through. Can't you just tell me when it will be that you aren't my first thoughts?

Post by **strmdncr** » Tue Oct 02, 2007 7:26 pm

Thank you for managing to do that which I thought was near impossible...extinguish my ability to allow myself to hope. I hear news about things now and sit there and react from the place of "that's nice but until the people in charge contact me..." Thank you for slapping me along side the head with reality, making me realize that hopes and dreams are for children, not for adults who need to survive. Thanks for not returning calls, for not telling truths, for letting me belive only to pull away the carpet of that which I thought was built upon truth, only to find it unravel into the threads of lies upon which it was built. So now I sit and now I wait and until those who have the power call I dare not hope, nor dream, nor believe. I simply exist.

Post by **strmdncr** » Sun Oct 14, 2007 5:57 pm

I love you all dearly but you are adults...it would be really nice if you could show some initiative on things, take some responsibility. Why do I have to organize every fucking thing? What the hell would you all do if I was to just leave for six months or something like that? I'd probably end up coming back to a group of people not talking to each other b/c you'd all be so angry at each other for things that were never done. If I am working full time and am having to do stuff already the least one of you could blasted fucking well do is pick up a phone, not wait for me to wake up from sleeping and ask what was arranged to find out nothing and so I have to run around. Please respect yourselves and me by just doing something without my bloody well holding your fucking hand all the time. You can do it, I have given you the skills and will continue to help you with those as best I can if you try. It's when you don't, when you expect me to do it all that I get frustrated and start snapping at people. Oh...and D, leaving your garbage in the bedroom is not appreciated...you are old enough to get it into a fucking garbage can. If you can't do this, don't take the shit into the bedroom to begin with.

Post by **strmdncr** » Tue Oct 23, 2007 7:37 am

Do....

You stupid blasted fucking bitch cunt whore slut twat faced pea brained ignorant little self centred, self serving fucking bitch. Right now I am feeling so much anger it's a good thing you live where you do and that I have too much love for L to ruin the relationship between him and A. You on the other hand apparently have absolutely no fucking respect for anyone except yourself you fucking whore twat and now your daughter figures her own father doesn't care for her or love her b/c he couldn't afford to buy her a pair of fucking shoes. He sends you six hundred and fucking ten dollars a month child support and she has holes in the bottoms of her shoes!!!!???? What the fuck is your problem you stupid bitch, what the fucking hell are you spending it on??? He should not be supporting his daughter, you, your new husband and your new child. And you want to fucking adopt another child!!!!?????? Are you that fucking stupid you can't even fucking afford the two you have and you have damaged the relationship L has with his daughter to the point where she believes that she gets nothing from him. Did you tell her that he couldn't see her at two different points in her life for over a year b/c you wanted to be a controlling cunt and have your own way???? Do you tell her that her father pays child support each month plus extras like instrument rentals, like gymnastic lessons...those sorts of things????? You fucking bitch I hope you enjoy it while it lasts b/c all the paper work and everything will be given in a nice neat little package to A the day she turns 18 so that she has all the information...not just your fucking screwed up version of it. Hopefully L will still be able to have some part in his daughters life then. The only fucking time A says yes she can see her dad is when you want him to buy something for A. Fuck...you make me so angry you fucking cunt. Six and half years and then she'll actually have the information to know the truth. Stupid bitch

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Post by **strmdncr** » Thu Nov 01, 2007 7:59 am

N,

Take your childish immature rantings and stop using your children as pawns in your attempt at mind games with people. Things that occurred tonight had nothing at all to do with not supporting you and supporting others, it had to do with my telling you what I knew. That simple, that easy...nothing less and nothing more. Threatening to call the social worker to have your children removed from my home is psychological abuse towards me and if you start doing that then you are also psychologically abusing your children. As for what D and his friends were supposed to be up to tonight, no I don't think it was a safe thing and yes I think it was a good idea to let him know that you don't feel it is safe but shouting at him in the workplace is not appropriate. The intention to call the police was already there, secondly I do not think any of them would've been stupid enough to start something there b/c of the fact that it is too easy for police to be called and attend, I think it was just the "meeting place". Mostly I'm just angry at you for constantly trying to use your children as game pieces instead of treating them with the love and respect they deserve.

Post by **strmdncr** » Sat Nov 03, 2007 4:21 pm

si trigger possible
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R,

I know I am supposed to be using wise mind instead of my emotional mind but I am having problems trying to remember to do that, to separate what I know about my history with replies from you when I have contacted you from what I am feeling so that I can acknowledge both aspects and act from there but I am having a hell of a time continuing to do so. I want to cut, to go out and buy the fucking blades and feel the relief it brings as I watch the path they leave behind when I use them on myself. I feel abandoned which I logically know isn't the case but it's so very much how I feel, I send you emails regarding the whole appointment thing that had to be cancelled b/c your workplace told you that you were moving offices the day before our appointment time. I understand that you were unsure about how the renovations would affect an appointment but b/c this is becoming more regular it seems (last appointment had to be rescheduled b/c you double booked) and now the shit with this one I just feel empty, lost, alone. Then my other supports don't seem to be available for some reason right now either. I feel like I did something wrong and don't deserve to be cared for or about and so why should I try to do something towards taking care of myself. I need to hold on, to hold out until Monday I think b/c that gives you a chance to go back to work and access your emails. Part of me is saying fuck it though, just give in, you're not worth being si free, you're not worthy of being cared about, you're not worth spending time with and you're not worth having anything you write being responded to. Fighting against the long term goal vs the short term relief sucks, especially when those urges continue at high for so long continuously. Anyhow there you have it in a nutshell. Pretty fucking pathetic 'eh?

Post by **strmdncr** » Mon Nov 05, 2007 2:55 am

Dear Friends and support systems,

Friends...you call yourself friends. Ha, what a fucking laugh that is. I feel basically abandoned and uncared for. I do what I can for you, talk with you and leave you messages and yet I go for over a week without a single word from one of you if I don't say anything first. Yeah, I'm angry, I'm angry and I feel hurt and essentially as though I'm just worthless unless your ego is being fed with my care. An occassional "how goes it" or even just "thinking of you" would've been nice if you didn't want to hear any complaints but not even one of those. I don't know why I even fucking bother, in the end all that happens is that I feel hurt. I give up for now, I don't have the energies needed to feed your ego when my own spirit is crashing. I just need to remember to depend on noone but myself and then I won't be hurt. Until then the rest of you can just bug off for a while.

pelagic · Post by **pelagic** » Mon Nov 05, 2007 4:24 am

Hope this helps you vent

Hope it helps with the urges.

If you don't mind, perhaps I may steal your idea and start my own thread of letters? For the idea is a truly good one!

Post by **strmdncr** » Mon Nov 05, 2007 6:09 am

Hello pelagic,

Thanks for stopping in. It does help both with the venting and with the urges simply b/c it is a place where I can safely vent without fear of reprisals from those I am "speaking" to. Feel free to "steal" the idea. My way of thinking is anything that is an effective non-harmful coping strategy towards stopping si'ing is a good thing to try at least once.

Post by **strmdncr** » Sat Jan 05, 2008 9:08 am

you stupid fucking dipshit moronic bitch. What the fuck are you doing calling me at fucking midnight to bitch about the amount of computer time someone gets at my place? Of course he has an attitude, it's way past his fucking bedtime. Like what kind of stupid pills did you take anyhow? He's been your child living with you for almost eleven years, you'd think by now you'd realize that while he can deal with some flexibility of things, he also needs a schedule on other things such as bedtime. Even I know that and he's not my son. Fucking midnight bitching at me b/c of amount of computer time he gets at my house....give your head a fucking shake...i mean really...it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that bitching at someone at midnight about some problem you see needing fixing is going to work well towards fixing it.

recovering4me · Post by **recovering4me** » Thu Jan 10, 2008 3:24 am

great idea,
hope this is helping you, im reading along if thats OK

Stormy's search for sanity (read first post!)

Stormy's search for sanity (read first post!)

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