Telling A Boyfriend or Girlfriend..

[xx mimi xx]

(Yeah, I know, another long post from me...) (Sorry)

I know it has to be done... I just dont know how I'll be able to tell another guy what Ive done. The guy I just started dating is probably the most innocent of us all. I've told other guys about my past, but I'm afraid this one will run. I dont know how he'll react, and even though I've dealt with that before, it scares me. Will this one be the one to run? Will he not accept it? Will he look at me differently? All those questions and more keep going through my mind, and I cant stop them. I dont want him to look at me or treat me differently, but I dont want to tell him that and have him pretend around me. You know what I mean? I dont want him to treat me the same because I told him to.. I want him to do that on his own. But again, I'm terrified that he wont...
My best friend's boyfriend knows about me and basically knows everything my best friend knows, and I didnt even know. He never treated me differently after he found out. He didnt treat her differently either. I just hope thats how it turns out when I tell my boyfriend.
I dont want him to feel like he hast to stick around because he doesnt want me cutting again. I dont want him to feel like hes going to have to lie because hes afraid to hurt me.
He needs to realzie that no matter what happens, I'm never going back to that. I refuse to. Sure it may be hard, but I wont start up again.
But how would I tell him that? And should I let him realize it by himself? My best friend offered to tell him something like "mimi's got something to tell you, but she doesnt want it to change the way you feel about her". Should I let her step in and say something (along those lines) and let me tell him after she softens the blow? Or should I be the only one to tell him?
I'm not going to tell him until next Saturday, the 24th, since that will be one month without cutting. I would really like to tell him sooner, but I really feel like that date would be the best to do it.

What do you think? I need advice on this one...

x3 mimi

[Porcelain_Doll]

I wouldn't recommend the way I broke it to my boyfriend. I was half deranged from lack of sleep and summer seems to do strange things to my mind. I was babbling about nothing, laying on my back on the floor, watching my light seem to pulse. He asked me a few times if I was on drugs or if I had taken anything, that's how out of it I was. Then I started counting. Counting the cuts. He asked what I was counting. I told him. He asked what they were from. Long silence. He asked again. This went on for a while and then I told him I did it. He started to cry, saying he had had girlfriends who cut before and he didn't know it was bothering him so much, it hadn't before. It was horrible and I don't want to even think about when i told him I relapsed after swearing to him I wouldn't do it again.

[xx mimi xx]

So how do you think I should tell my boyfriend? I wont do something like that, but I dont want to just tell him "i used to cut." it seems to.. harsh. i dont know, I just hope that it doesnt change anything.

[Licentia Poetica]

http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/injury.html

coming out info, click on the side where it says "living with SI"

[xx mimi xx]

Thanks. Do you think I should tell him on the 24th like Ive planned to? Or should I tell him sooner? And does he even need to know...? I think I'm thinking about this too much...

x3 mimi

[Porcelain_Doll]

I'd say that he should know. It helps build trust and it's nice to have someone who's that close to you who you can talk to. When I'm feeling bad I can talk to him and he always does his best to cheer me up, and being hugged and cuddled always helps. Also, I'm sure he would rather you tell him than him finding out some other way. He'll also be glad that you could tell him something like that, that you trust him.

[dncn4lyfe77]

*nods* its better he finds out from you telling him than from him seeing scars or sumthing

[JadaKiss]

It's not going to be easy... I had to tell mine. It was an awkward conversation at first, and I even started laughing (out of embarrassment... I didn't know what to do!) I told him, and didn't show him. I talked to him about why I did it, and that I am getting help for it. I told him it's not a suicide attempt, but more like a coping mechanism, and I straight out gave him some statistics that I had got from literature.

Later, we watched a show on WE about "cutters" and it made him ill, because their cases seemed so much more severe than mine, but we talked and made some ground rules that I would share with him on days I cut and try to explain the emotion behind it. He was very supportive, but it scared to death, no doubt. He doesn't understand it fully, and never will... he wants to fix it and wants me to call him before I do it so that I won't, but that's a bad thing... it puts him in a position of having to put it on himself if I end up hurting myself later on.

Be honest with him, don't get too emotional at first about it.... you don't have to show him, but let him know that you can get info for him to read, and that it is actually VERY common. At this point I would say even though it may be your cry for help, give him the emotional support he is going to need to deal with this... because no matter what you say a part of him will automatically feel like he is in someway responsible for at least one self injury.....

[dncn4lyfe77]

guys have this "fix it" mechanism in their brain where they think they can fix any situation, any problem. I think its a testosterone thing lol. My boyfriend does the same thing, he wants me to call him whenever I want to cut, but i agree that it puts him in a bad position. I try to tell him that i dont want to call him everytime and make it hard on him but he insists *sigh* though i do admit i dont call him half the time.

yeah im babbling sry. the calling thing reminded me of it

[JadaKiss]

But look! You have one of those ticker things going on... you've been doing well, with or without him. It must be a testosterone thing... this "fix it" syndrome, but I'm thankful that he wasn't someone who just walked away... no matter how much it hurts him inside or how much anxiety it causes just "wondering". It's all on us, but it is good to know we have BUS and other people in our lives WILLING to help.... some people never get that, and at the very least that's heartbreaking. I couldn't do anything alone.

[dncn4lyfe77]

ur right, everyone needs a support system of some kind. Especially us. Anyone who thinks they can do something alone without help is wrong. I couldnt imagine doing something like this alone either

[JadaKiss]

ur right, everyone needs a support system of some kind. Especially us. Anyone who thinks they can do something alone without help is wrong. I couldnt imagine doing something like this alone either

I have always had a problem with asking for help, even though I know I need it and have the support system. I'm working on it and man is it tough sometimes! But just KNOWING I have people? IT DOES WONDERS. So yeah, Yey to us who understand that alone just doesn't work in ANY kind of recovery....we can make it a ways by ourselves, but when the enemy is our own minds, we won't win the battle without support.

[dncn4lyfe77]

That right there ladies and gentlemen is the most amazing speech thingie I've ever heard


*claps*

[ProudPatriot07]

I've told a few boyfriends, so I know how you feel. It's always a question every time I enter a new relationship (and I've been self-harming for like 5 years. Don't want anyone to think that I've had a ton of failed relationships because of it).

My suggestion is to tell him when both of you are in a civilized and *non sexual* mood. Make sure both of you are feeling good that day, and that you're not having urges or that he's not ticked about something. If you don't tell him, chances are he'll notice scars if you take off clothes (depending on how bad your scars are), and you really want to avoid that being the first time the subject is addressed. In fact, make sure you tell him before you get that deep into a relationship, because it sucks to go to the point of physical nakedness with a guy, without him knowing about what's underneath your emotional skin.

Also, it might be a good idea to print off some of the information from the website to show him. A lot of people don't know much about self-harm, they think it's of suicidal intent, etc. Not saying he won't understand, but having the information never hurts.

[xx mimi xx]

Thanks everyone. Sorry its been a while since Ive posted in this topic, and as you probably know I told him. It wasnt too bad. I didnt print up information on it, but I did explain to him that we arent stupid, and we dont do this for attention. He couldnt understand how anyone could "do something like that" I knew he was thinking "something that stupid" So i told him that it can and does become an addiction after a while.

I dont think he noticed my scars before I told him though. When he asked me out, it was at a dance and I had a dress on. Later that night, he was sitting on my left side, which is where my biggest scar is, and he didnt notice. I think that since theyre so obvious and out in the open, not many people really notice them until i point them out.

x3 mimi

[angel-for-you]

tell my bf was hard...it took me three weeks to get the courage to tell him and he already knew...that hurt me...but i told him i wouldnt do it again...o week before a dance we were going to together i did it worse than ever...not just carving away but bleeding...the sadness is something i never want to hear again...