I'm Lost..

[pebbles202]

I hate it when certain things (even something small like a joke) trigger a specific feeling or memory & then I completely shut down. Does anyone else ever feel this way? I am an extremely passive person (because of another long story that I don’t feel like getting into) and just leave the situation & then completely shut myself off from everyone. I think it is because I am so self conscious that sometimes even the small things I become insulted/hurt and over analyze- thinking that I’m doing ‘this’ (whatever it is) all the time and annoy everyone. Then, to make matters worse, I have no idea how to come out of my slum.
I used to push other people away before they could get close to me- thinking that eventually everyone would figure out the ‘real’ me and dump the friendship that we have- therefore, I would push them away before they could push me away. I’ve been doing better and definitely put some friendships to the test (with people bawling on the phone begging me not to cut)- but still, every once in a while I go back down either for no reason at all, or something triggers & once my spiral starts, I can’t go back up.
Right now I am sitting alone in my room (dorm room), I locked the door and turned off my phone about 4 hours ago- I want to go back to my friends, and feel like I should apologize for being stupid (I apologize for everything because I don’t know how to approach the/any situation), but I also don’t know how- its some sort of pride thing I have that began with my parents (which is another long story). Anyway, sorry for making this post so long and going off onto tangents, kudos for those of you who actually finished.
Thanks for letting me kvetch

[kendra]

Not quite sure what to say but I read, I have felt that way too. Try not to push your friends out, maybe theres one you can talk to to get an objective opinion when you start over analysing stuff.
I hope you feel better being in that downward spiral sucks. ((hugs)) if you want.

[Licentia Poetica]

The "pushing people away" type things you've described are things I unwillingly do often, usually to the people I are about most.

It's usually because I feel intensely insecure and want some kind of reassurance - reassurance that usually noone can really give me.

I can understand being too sensitive about some jokes. It's a matter of explaining to close friends exactly why you feel this way. Ie, my friends don't usually joke about suicide for the reason that I find it very uncomfortable.

Also you have to think about what a certain person meant by a comment. Sometimes it's possible to look objectionally at a situation and realise they weren't trying to be insulting - we're just reading too much into it.

Sorry it makes you feel down

[zombiepeople]

I'm really sorry you feel down. I have that same problem when little things like a joke will trigger me. What I find helpful to do to feel a bit better especially when I'm at school , is stay away from people for awhile and do something calm that you like to do like listening to music, writing, drawing, ect.. Then you could let the person who said something to make you upset know that what they said made you feel bad. Well, I really hope you feel better, (hugs) if you want

[teacher2B]

That happens to me a lot--that little things will trigger me. My close friends recognize the sublte signs and know how to draw me back out, but when I'm not with them I often just retereat into silence (if not actually going anywhere physically).

I also apologize way too much. I'm getting better at that since several friends of mine made me aware of how often I would do it. They would respond with "for what?" and if I couldn't actually tell them, they told me not to apologize.

Another thing that helped with the apologizing was my roommate in college. She apolgized for everything--in the middle of a conversation she would stop and say "I'm sorry." And I suddenly realized what I must sound like to my friends.

[JadaKiss]

I'm learning so much about myself right now doing a bible study on "Making Peace With Your Past: Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families" by Tim Sledge, and I completely relate to pushing people away before they "leave" or can "hurt me" or what have you. I relate to withdrawing and going into an avoidance slump, where calls don't get answered, help doesn't get asked for, and all I have are me and my overly-analytical thoughts.

I, like you, am pretty passive when it comes to confrontation or just speaking my mind in situations where it would actually be appropriate. I self-sabotage my happiness and end up hurting people in the process by pushing them out of what's going on.

Easier said than done, but the best thing you can do is reach out to at least 1 person you feel "safe" with. Someone you know isn't going to walk away, stop listening, or not take what you feel seriously. I have found that 1 person, and it is building into 2, 3, and 4. One day, I hope to have people where they should be.... in my life when I'm triggered to withdraw. Little things set me off, too... nowadays, I turn to Jesus, SI*, and rarely to my "safe" people... but I know that I can and it's a process of healing and growing inside.

My heart goes out to you; it really does. I think this web board is a great place for all of us to find some solace and release. I look at some of the people on here and there SI* tickers that read "15 days" without SI* and I feel like I don't belong here either sometimes, but I'm not going to shut this place out of my life, because I have found a place to come where I know I'm not alone; and although we are mostly strangers to one another I truly believe it when someone says they "care."