not coping well (*ED*) had a slip

[angelic212]

****ED****

why do i keep doing this to myself, knowing that im only hurting myself??????


i had a slip today!

and im not really happy about it.

i feel miserable right now.
i knew i shouldnt go to those negative ed sites.

but what the hell do i do ? i went to them.

it happens every time when im home by myself or when i feel alone.
this time happend when i was home alone .

dont know why i keep doing this ,
dont know why i keeep hurting myself ,
i hate myself for this.

i hate this stupid eating disorder.

i want my life back.

dont know what i want right now if its hugs, advice or what , i dont know .

i feel miserable.
im sorry i slipped today.

[Spidey]

heya man everyone slips.

can you think of a coping plan for times that you are alone? or times you feel like reaaaaaaaaallly slipping? you;'ve got a coping box iirc...can you put something in there for ed-related stuff?

know though that you are worth more than your eating disorder. kick it in the teeth and tell it to go fuck itself.

[Seeshellz]

Sorry you slipped hun.

I know you are fighting very hard, so try not to beat yourself up! OK?

(((((HUGS)))))

[susanM]

Hey angelic

I'm sorry you had a setback, that sucks. I do agree though that you have been fighting this very hard and doing extremely well. Getting rid of your pro ed stuff and committing to recovery showed such amazing strength, you are a strong person. I can't offer a personal perspective on the ED stuff but I'd imagine that like SI it's not the sort of thing that will just be kicked over night. It's a process, you're trying and you're gradually building up different coping skills, at times you might falter because the ED has been so much part of your coping toolkit for a long time, it must take a while to find things to fully and completely replace that.

You can do this! Try not to let a slip destroy your faith in yourself.

((hug)) if you could use one
Susan

[Sticky Wicket]

Hating yourself is what keeps the cycle going. We tend to instinctively use hostility in response to problems and faults but this is like fighting fire with fire. Hostility to anything pulls you out of your center and renders you subject to impulses.

When people want to get under your skin and humilate you what do they do? They find a way to upset you and leave you feeling degraded. The wonder of it though is if you don't get upset then they often feel frustrated instead of you. It's like they had a hot potato to throw you and you didn't catch it so they got burned instead.

Furthermore, we all have a "real us" and a "not us". The real you is who you are at the psychic center of your being (in the old Aramaic language the word "soul" meant identity). When people are cruel and harsh, and then get you to over-react with hostility in return the effect is that you fall inside yourself and the negativity inside you rises up and you get stuck in your own machinery.

Ever feel really angry and said or did something you really didn't mean? That's often the same anger that got implanted into you from others who were also compulsively cruel to you . A lot of life is recognising the sick undercurrents that go on between people. Boss can yell at Dad, Dad can yell at Mom, Mom can yell at the kids and then the kids can only beat the dog (or cut).

People pass on a cruelty (to relieve their tensions) that causes other to over-react and then they fall from their center and become externalised or more subject to reacting to the environment and people in it than to their own deeper knowing and urges.

A lot of gals with ED's are full or "puffed up" with negative emotions and hostilities (usually toward Mom or Dad) and all that guilt and negative emotionality gets buried and they try to compensate for this inward imperfection by trying to shrink and seem perfect on the outside. Concentration is a function of hypnosis and thinking and worrying over one things is a distraction for another. Have a Mom who used to hover over you and pick pick pick?

You don't really hate yourself but a "self" you know isn't you. A part of you has been remade via conditioning and a pattern of over-reacting to wrong things in a wrong way. Of course you don't have to "like" when people are cruel to you but their is a middle way in between hating and accepting something - being objective in other words.

If you "hate" what you do wrong you feed problem the same negative emotions that causes you to fall and feel vulnerable in the first place. You don't have to "accept" or "reject" anything you do or problem you have. Just standing back from things and "watching" them disapssionately is enough. You wont even feel like your doing anything.

Once day, if you do this right (and you will) you'll see that you never wanted to do those hurtful things anyway and it was never an expresson of who you are but of something "not you" that was compelling you. I mean if you were really happy with all things you do then you would not have conflict over them would you? The fact you don't like things you do means the truer you is still there just locked inside - and its the focus on the anger and the hurts that keep you chained to the past.

You were a fresh clean baby one day, and the glow of innocence and potential happiness and discovery was never meant to be replaced by compulsion and self destruction. You don't want to have self doubt and accept that as who you are. When you can gently realise that you'll wake up one day and destructive things will look odd to you - like they are boring and just don't appeal to you anymore. That sort of quiet realisation
will cause you to find a new strength you didn't know you had and just that realisation will cause you to be free without struggling or harsh withdrawls. It's so easy it's hard to explain.

For now, don't analyse because analysis ane being upset causes lies to rise up in your mind. "Your no good, you'll never be better" etc. Just listen to that with a "ho humm I hear you la de da.." type of attitude. Don't accept it or reject it.

What you want is to just "wonder" about things because a wondering mind and a sincere heart will cause realisations to crystalise and you'll be able to grow from a true understanding of your self and your life and not a boggle of knowledge or information you try to juggle with futility and despair. Life has a little magic in it if your sincere.

You don't have to like people who hurt you even if they are relatives. The expression "Honor your mother and father" is well known but the same bible also says "parents do not aggravate your children". If people have been harsh or neglectful of you you dont need to like them but don't hate them. It's the hating that causes guilt and low self esteem. You don't want to hate family especially because it just makes for a shame thats like a silent scream that keeps you from feeling positive about anything.

Your mind has two poles to it. When your hostile and upset your consciousness flips and cleaves to a negative and dark pole. You'll feel despairing and cut off. You find dark spots in the mind you didn't even know existed. When you can see that and move back away from being upset and angry you start to see the bright the spots in the mind you were cut off from. You'll see a whole new world opening up like that someday.

You don't have to believe in yourslef and you cant give yourself faith or happiness but you can resist doubting and giving into despair. The way to be happy is to stop doing what makes you unhappy and then happiness comes back naturally.

Whenever you get upset dont struggle and add to it. Just "watch it" and those feelings will subside leaving you intact. You don't have to win against these things - you just learn how not to lose. Its a skill and as simple as that. There is MUCH more I could add but that's a start. Don't be willfull, impatient or try to force anything. The less you do the more will happen. I can't get you to "do the right thing" as much as show you how to start "not doing the wrong things".