kharre's questions coping thread **si, su, others

[Inwë Lessien]

*LA*

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

I’m scared…
I’m out of control…
I don’t understand this shit that’s going on and I want to feel something other than this throb in my chest and like I can’t breath…
I want him to be here, I want to know where he is, what he’s doing, why he’s not answering his fucking phone!!! I want to know that he’s not…that he’s still mine…

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

When I was “here” last time, I SI-ed. Afterwards, I felt like the biggest ass-munch in the world because I had to tell him and he was so upset and meh meh meh meh meh….I don’t know what to do.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

I’ve talked to people
I’ve been on BUS
I’ve painted my toenails
I’ve written loads in my journal and in His book,
I’ve cleaned the dishes
I’ve folded clothes
I’ve played games
I’ve played with the dogs
I’ve read
I’ve scrapbook-ed
I’m here, trying to work this out….

How do I feel right now?

Paranoid
Anxious
Scared
Sad
Like throwing up,
stressed,
In mild to heavy pain…

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

Free
Better
Calm
Less stressed

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

I’ll feel like shit again, because I know I have to tell him and I can’t tell him. He made me swear for god’s sakes. What’s he gonna do if I break it again….

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

I don’t know…its just the type of person I am. It’s taken me longer this time to get all freaked out with him gone, but it still happened. What am I going to do?! I can’t make him stay. And I don’t know how to avoid it/deal better with it.

Do I need to hurt myself?
I need something….I need

[lore]

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point? well i don't feel like i need to hurt myself, i just feel that...feeling that i get when i usually cut. guilty, angry, sad. i just regret ruining heidi's party so so much... and i regret being here at all.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then? yes, i've been here before, and i dealt with it (most of the times) by cutting. during it i felt a lot better, but then after i just hated myself and felt shame and fear of discovery.


What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
talked to my katy
had breakfast
played my guitar, i'm working on a new song with an awesome progression...

i can clean my room
i can post in games and distractions
i can answer random posts
i can talk more to my katy and make a train of thought post!


How do I feel right now?
a lot better actually

How will I feel when I am hurting myself? NOT GONNA SO


How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning? i would feel majorly shitty.


Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future? avoiding it.


Do I need to hurt myself? nopers

[caged bird]

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
everything it has been one hell of a bad day, everyhting has gone wrong i still don't have my referance and now my internet connection is playing up and trying to push me over the edge, not to mention fighting with ED thoughts adn being tired of fighting urges

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
last time was different i think i don't thin kthe urges have ever been quite this strong, last time i told myself i couldn't SI and then i forced myself to believe it

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I'm trying to distract myself but my resources tonight are now severely limited

How do I feel right now?
tired, very much like i want to cry and desperate to SI - fed up of fighting nd fed up of people screwing with me adn treating me badly becasue i let them walk all over me

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
I'm kinda finding it hard to rember right now, it's been just over 15 weeks since last time i think i have forgotten the feeling - is that bad? last time it made me want it back - it's scarey to forget

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
DESTROYED

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
nope, well not entirely, i could have been more assertive nad made sure i had the referance, but i guess i trust too much

Do I need to hurt myself?
need - that's an interesting term to use, do any of us ever need to? when there are other ways to cope, the point is it's a chosen response - so surely it is better to say want to - but then that sounds stupid - to want to eugh i'm rambling - i'll hold out as long as i possibly can i'm not quite ready to loose everyhting

*k*

[silentpain]

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I don't NEED to hurt myself, its more of an urge when im feeling really low and i'm on my own. Usually thoughts of hatred, quilt and loss of control usually bring me to this.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
Yes, as a teenager. Then i usued to deal with it by either cutting or overdosing. All i wanted then was the same as now....someone to take all the fear and pain away. Now after i have cut or ODed i feel ashamed....i don't tell anyone except my therapist.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me? I had a really bad day recently and asked my hubby to stay home with me....i knew i would have SH or SU.....for a few days after i went to stay with my sister during the day so that if i had urges then i wasn't alone.

How do I feel right now? After some long overdue sleep i am feeling a bit better. Still having SH thoughts but not acted .....as of yet.....

How will I feel when I am hurting myself? At the time ...nothing....once i see the blood flow....sad, relief,angry and in a strange way...calm.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
After ...shame that i let myself get that far again....but relieved because some of that pain has gone...for a while anyway. Tomorrow i will feel nothing about the day before.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future? Can i avoid the stressor.....no.... Deal with it better...probably, i just don't like making other people feel bad because im low, so i say nothing.

Do I need to hurt myself?
NO..in the long run it doesn't solve any thing.

[butterflydust]

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

because it's been a week since i SI-ed and there is SO much anger in me and i don't know how to deal with it and i've tried everything but this anger won't get out of me and have i always had this much anger and hatred inside of me? what has brought me here... hmm... like, six days SI free? threats of residential treatment. no, more than that. the fact that i really do want to be able to live without it. that i really do want to quit. crazy, isn't it? eleven years of SI and here i am in high school and for the first time i really do want to heal. but i've realized 6 days is a LONG time to go with no coping technique.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

oh yeah. i've been here before. what did i do to deal with it?
*si*
*
*
i cut. of course i did. i burned myself i jumped off the balcony. i did everything i could do to totally physically and emotionally destroy myself. how did i feel then? like crap. totally guilty. like i was the worst, dirtiest, most horrible person in the world that the only thing that calmed me was pain. so, so guilty. felt like i was ruining everything.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

hmm... for six days i've been punching pillows. hasn't really worked. it wasn't until today that i found something that really worked: holding icecubes. squeezing them so it hurts. but it's not SI because it leaves no damage. it just hurts like SI does. seems to be the only thing that hurts and calms me down that's not SI. I guess i could do that now, since it technically won't hurt me in the way that SI does.

How do I feel right now?

drained. totally empty. i didn't cry for five months and in the past six days i've been constantly sobbing. i have a head ache from crying so much and my contacts have fogged up. i feel confused, lost. wondering how i'm ever going to survive now that i've committed to stop SI. wondering if i'm strong enough.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

calm. relief. total relief. feel the anger flooding out of me. but also... guilty. horrible. i will hate myself for giving in, hate myself for not having the willpower to overcome the urge. even more than calm relief i will feel like a piece of worthless crap. for the first time it will make me feel, although it will also drain my anger, worse.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

i will feel like a total and complete failure. i will feel like the one thing that i have tried so, so hard for six days to overcome was in the end stronger than me. i will feel like i am hopelessly addicted. i will feel... empty. and angry. so, so angry at myself for giving in.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

yes. i truly believe there are methods of dealing with anger out there that don't include SI. that are not bad for you. and i believe after a while i will find them. maybe tonight, even. yes. i CAN AVOID THIS STRESSOR. I CAN.

Do I need to hurt myself?

NO. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. i once lived without it a long time ago. i can do it again. there are people out there that don't SI. and i can be like them if i try. it's hard, and i'm going to be angry a lot of the time for a while, but do i need to hurt myself?

ABSOLUTELY NOT.[/b][/quote]

[cyberpunkgrrl]

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possible triggers ahead
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Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
The feeling that nothing else matters, nothing else will do or satisfy this deep inbuilt feeling of anger, hurt, embarassment, frustration, guilt...


Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
cutting...again... sitting and looking, feeling the only thing that matters is *now* Not past or future. NOW.


What I have done to ease this discomfort so far?
What else can I do that won't hurt me? talking online to friends, playing a game of solitaire, doing this... Helping a bit


How do I feel right now?
Like I'm the only person in the world that doesn't know lifes answer : like I've such a bad person, and it must be true cos all these bad things keep happening to me even though I try my best to be a good person and everyone just takes everything from me just take take take and never gives anything back til they're bored of me and dump me and move on


How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
Like, finally, I have control over something : like I'm making myself as ugly on the outside as I feel on the inside : as though I'm receiving my punishment for being stupid/lazy/a bad person


How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
Afterwards - focussed, clear-headed, calm... like that period after a storm when everything is quiet...
Tomorrow, I'll feel weak and stupid, with more scars to hide and wounds to heal...


Can I avoid this stress or, or deal with it better in the future?
I'm trying, I really am.. trying to find a workable distraction method.. going to my local Net cafe seems to work (as I have no connection at home), and seeing as I can't si there, its a good place to be


Do I need to hurt myself? it's the fine line between Need and Want. I need to drink, I want lemonade. I want to get out this shit in me and it's the only way I know how - but do I NEED to do it?

No, I don't think I do now...

[DiamondHeart]

[*]Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I had a nightmare/flashback. I can't get back to sleep. I'm scared to.

[*]Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
Yes, I have. I stayed up and talked to people until I felt safe.

[*]What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I hugged my stuffy, talked to crone, drinking a glass of water, listening to calm music
Light candles, play with my hair, write something.

[*]How do I feel right now?
Very scared and alone.

[*]How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
Guilty, but like I need to do this. Like I have no choice, so just shut up and do it.

[*]How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
Guilty. Upset at myself for not doing what I should have to deal with this.

[*]Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
I could get on a new sleeping pill, or something worked out with my pdoc
.
[*]Do I need to hurt myself?
I don't know. Yes. I want to. I don't know what else to do.

~Diamond~

[raven]

*si*



Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

I don't know what to do with all the emotion in me. I can't deal with grief and stress and anger... and all sorts of things I can't even identify.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

Not this badly... except maybe last year; I si'ed or called someone, which made me feel terrible and needy. Or else I went on BUS and chatted with people, or posted for support. That made me feel better but only temporarily.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

Work, gone driving, listened to music. I could play piano, but that might make things more stressful. i could finish my work but I don't want to. i could call someone, but there's no one to call who would understand...

How do I feel right now?

angry. confused. grief-stricken. angry. too much emotion, i want to get rid of it.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

release. bliss? almost. selfish. i'll feel pain, but at least it'll be pain i can deal with, and understand.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

better. relieved. proud? but tomorrow, terribly guilty. like a failure. a liar. a sinner.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

how do i avoid it? i can't avoid the fact that she's not here anymore. how do i deal with it? i don't know, that's why i want to si.

Do I need to hurt myself? my body is saying yes but my mind is saying no. i want to, real bad. i feel an overwhelming need to, but i know i can do other things, but i can't figure out how to deal with so much emotion.

[Middleground]

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
To be honest it's a matter of needing to feel pain for what I feel that I have done wrong.... my mother really loves to point out to me every mistake I've made and to hold grudges... I just need an escape.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
I've been here a lot.. I ran away from it... I never tried to confront it.. I felt hopeless and like I'd explode.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I've scratched and otherwise hurt myself, I've vented to friends, I've slashed things... I don't know what I can do really. I cannot confront my mother because she flaming denies doing anything wrong.

How do I feel right now?
I feel relatively calm.. just jumpy as heck because most things concerning family make me nervy.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
I'll feel numb... like cold, no emotions, like a bloody robot. Like it's not my hand doing it..

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
I'll feel calmer about whatever was bothering me, but terrible that I hurt myself.. I know that hurting me hurts other people.. I wouldn't know how I'd feel the next morning. Sometimes I'd still be pissed off and other times calm and hyperhappy.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
I can't avoid it but I can deal with it better.

Do I need to hurt myself?
When I hurt myself I do feel like I need to, but in reflexion I probably don't.

[Firinn Annam]

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
i feel worthless... failing everything! It's my first year SI free and my first taste of failure. I feel likfe SI kept me on track and i am falling apart more and more lately

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
Yeah, some times this year, but i just sleep, smoke (which i have quit) or do other 'acceptable' behaviour...but i want to not harm at all as part of my recovery...I feel down, i felt like i never had that release i am looking for - i cant cry even

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
watched a dvd, ate (which ends up triggering me later), online now, starting to study for exam tomorrow

How do I feel right now?
Shit...head cold, fecked an exam today that i needed to ace, gonna do the same tomorrow. Alone, anxious, sad confussed. I want someone to give me permission to slip up...

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
Relaxed, relieved, satisfied

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
Guilty, remorsful, like even more of a failure

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
Change degrees... maybe too hard or too close to the stress in my life - i dont have an escape. Get away for a while...

Do I need to hurt myself?
I guess not, but do i WANT to YES! It's like my body is craving it, because it hasnt happened for so long, but there hasnt been many days i havnt wanted to

[badgirl22]

ok here goes..:Why do I feel I need to hurt myself and what brought me to this point??OK...I feel as if the anger I feel towards G-d about him taking my mother away, and now after talking to the rabbi's wife I feel even worse because she told me I shouldn't be angry at G-d and that I should pray and just keep trying to do good things..But just by her saying that it triggered this "I am bad" thoughts and the cycle went over and over again..I am not suppose to feel anger, I am not suppose to have this emotion at all..etc..etc..I am bad, I am not a worthy person for good things ...so anyway, I am spruling down into this depression really hitting myself over the head with all the negitive stuff I am saying to myself..SO I feel that Siing will atleast calm my thoughts..maybe for a little while atleast

Have I been here before??Well, I have been to the point of wanting to SI but for differnt resons..different prompting events happening to make me want to Si..most of the time I have given in to the urges and just cut to make myself feel better short term. If I can get threw short turm the longer term can be a bit easier to deal with.

What have I done to ease this comfort so far??I guess writing this post. what else can I do that won't hurt me???Distract distract distract..distress tolerance skills-Use them now!!!

How do I feel right now??Crapy, Shitty, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, sad, angry (But despertly trying to make those two emotions go away)
How do I feel when I am hurting myself??
Good, Satisfied, more relaxed, alive
How will I feel after I hurt myself? guilty, bad, relaxed, sad, like I can get threw hard times, alive
can I avoid this stresser or deal with it better nextime?
Well, I can avoid it to a certain point..then it kindof pops up without me noticing..Nexttime I can see my triggers earlier maybe so I can do something to stop the stress from reaching that high point where I need to cut
Do I need to hurt myself?
On a emotional level yes..on a physical level yes, on a phychological level yes, because by hurting myself I will make the bad leave me and I will make the shit stop even just for a little while.
Will I hurt myself??I am trying very hard not to right at this moment in time. I am trying to distract and use distress tolerance to help me get threw these next 2 days.
HELP!!!!!
-Badgirl22

[QuietPurr]

Emotional trigs. Anger trigs, as well. Don't take a walk in my head, you never know what you'll find...

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

It's that feeling...the one I get inside when I feel like just an echo of human, of a person...it creeps and it crawls and then BOOM! it's everywhere and I can't get away from it...

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

*wonders if she should answer with the obvious* Nothing deals with it...if I knew something that truely worked, I wouldn't be dealing with it in a shitty way, now would I!

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

Sit here at my damned computer, feeling like shit and getting angry, wondering if there is a point to anything. I could go outside, maybe, soak up a little sunshine...take a walk...

How do I feel right now?

Inside, empty. A layer out from that, anger. And then covered with this shit...hate for myself, my hollowness, and all the rest.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

*again, avoids the obvious* Like I've just cut an outlet into my skin where all of my emotional crap can pour away...

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

Immediately after: Relief, anger at my own stupidity that let me do something like that to myself. Tomorrow morning: Shitty, crappy, grumpy that I have to get up so damned early to go to work...and pissed at myself for giving in.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

WTF? You think I have any idea WHY I feel like this?! Where it comes from! FUCK, NO!

Do I need to hurt myself?

I don't know, I don't care, it doesn't matter.

[demidivine]

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
relief, faint happiness or satisfaction, buildup of anger, stress, unhappiness, utter frustration at myself and my inability to be a good person.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
yes, i cut, i bruised, i cried so hard it hurt to breathe, i sometimes managed not to but in the end it came back harder.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
i dont know. all my coping methods seem transient and a way of putting everything off. i dont even justify the discomfort, my life should be fine.

How do I feel right now?
crushed. tired of it.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
i don't generally think; another thing i like about it.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
immediately, guilty slightly, worried i'll be found out, but relieved. tomorrow, brighter, sparkier, not guilty, better.

Can I avoid this stress, or deal with it better in the future?
yes, i probably could, i keep trying. i do try.

Do I need to hurt myself?
at the moment. we'll see about later.

[Stellaria]

1. Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
   
   It has been building up for several days. Last weekend, I was interviewed about some old stuff, and while it was an interesting conversation and I felt validated in some ways, it also brought up some ghosts. Four days ago, I met someone for the first time and had a fun evening where I felt this person thought I had some interesting things to say, and she seemed to like me. This weekend was my boyfriend's birthday. He didn't want a big party, but I arranged some small things, got some family over and everything turned out very well. B/f was very happy. I spent a lot of time talking to his adult daughter who I get along really well with. My mother stopped by briefly yesterday and was nicer in attitude to me than in ages. My boyfriend is usually very warm and loving, but he has been especially kind lately, telling me how much he appreciates me.
   
   I should be happy. I *am* happy. But at the same time I have attacks of a very strong desire to hurt myself. It's a solid feeling that is almost overwhelming when it hits.
2. Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
   
   Oh yes. I have tried to reason with myself, see that there is no logical reason for me to need to hurt, but with no success really - I already know that those thoughts are screwed up. I have sometimes tried to talk about it, to my boyfriend, T, close friends, on bus. It doesn't seem to help all that much most of the time - it can postpone things a little perhaps. More physical approaches work better. Exercise helps while I'm doing it, though it doesn't last. Hot showers - the same, it's just very temporary relief. Benzodiazepines, if I think about taking them, though I don't have any at home right now anyway. Though some "alternative" physical sensations such as snapping a rubber band mostly seem to trigger. (Quite a few times I ended up hurting myself.)
   
   Four days ago I almost cracked, and then I took one extra seroquel and asked b/f to give me a backrub until I fell asleep. I still felt very shaky in the morning but managed to not SI. Part of me was relieved that I had gotten out of it without being hurt, part of me felt hateful of myself.
3. What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
   
   Kept busy. When not hanging out with someone, I have surfed the net, done housework, baked bread. Today I went with boyfriend and his kids for a long walk in a beautiful forest/lake area. Then one hour at the gym. A long hot shower. Got some laundry done.
   
   Will go buy some milk and crackers now. Maybe tell boyfriend how I'm feeling, though I don't really want to do that. Go to sleep.
4. How do I feel right now?
   
   Hopeless. Confused. That life is pretty pointless since even when I'm doing ok and everyone is really nice to me, I can't deal and the pain keeps invading my mind. That I'm a freak.
5. How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
   
   Numb, detached.
6. How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
   
   Mixed. One part of me will be feeling very satisfied that I have made things much worse for myself and put myself in a humiliating situation, maybe even risky. Another part of me will be scared, sad and frustrated.
7. Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
   
   Since the main stressor is having a happy social life, the only way to avoid it would be to become a recluse, which would certainly not make me very happy. I can only hope that I will be able to deal with it better in the future, though I have no idea how.
8. Do I need to hurt myself?
   
   No. But I'm not sure that I can keep from doing it. I look at what I write and it seems like a futile exercise. Words don't reach deep enough. I will still post this, just in case it can make me hold back.

[caged bird]

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

I have just had a lecture from my frined about my behavioiour and how stupid she thinks i am sometimes - and it has reminded me what a fuckup i can be - i am behind with my work and strugglig to cope and i'msick of everything right at this moment

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
not exactl;y here before -this is slightly new- i have struggled a bit but have never had someon do this to me and it's hurting and i'm angry - i'm so fucking angry at her and at me, at me for telling her things, for being stupid enough to be in a mess nad becasue at least part of me know s there was a lot of sense in what she said.


What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
nothing - but i'm trying - i'm writing i'm reading but ther eis no one here i can talk to becasue there' s no one that knows and i don't think ppl would understand - infact i'm pretty sure thay wouldn't. i'm gonna keep writing here then i'm gonna goto dinner and then i'm going out to get wasted


How do I feel right now?
shit - i feel hurt and angry and triggered and scared becasue i'm convinced that i'm going to screw this year up becasue i know myself bettr than i'd like to think sometimes


How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
i won't becasue i'm not going to do it - i have come too far and too much rests on me carrying on - i am determined tomake uni a new start for me adn that means no SI whilst i'm here - ys that might be 3 yrs or maybe even more but i know i can do it and i'm going to if it takes everyhting i have


How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
does alcohol count as hurting yourslef - becasue if so than tomorrow morning i will feel hungover - but short of that if i doSI tomorrow i would feel worse than o have before most likely - and i know i still have tablets that i could OD with so i'm not gonna take that risk


Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
yeah keep my damn mouth shut about what i'm doing at uni - talk less to abi - never tell her about my driniking or if i ever get a hangover - maybe go to more lectures - stop pushing myself on mon nights out, and stop being me


Do I need to hurt myself?
no but i need to do something so ill have a drink instead - i'm a student it's allowed right?????? i guess i feel in a way that i do need to hurt myself becasue i deserve it for gettign myself intothis mees and just for being me becasue right now i'm not likeing that person at all - but i know i won't do it - shit i soud so confident that i won't and i'm really not - i really would love to right now, i don't know if it would help or not - prolly not but right now it does feel like it might do something - i want someone here i can talk to who understands

*k*

[God_Given]

1. Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
   I feel angry, and lonley and cared, and numb, but at the same time, overstimulated
2. Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
   yes, I've been here before, and it seems I am ALWAYs here.I fwelt the same
3. What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me? talking, and writing just dont help
4. How do I feel right now?
   see first answer
5. How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
   nothing...sometimes a rel;ease, but usually nothing while Im doing it
6. How will I feel after hurting myself? relief, and then tired, and not so overwhelmed
   How will I feel tomorrow morning? guilty
7. Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
   dont know
8. Do I need to hurt myself? yes

[Zebraseal]

Written about my feelings last night, when I SI'd after a long-ish pause.


Might be triggering to some, but there's nothing graphic here.
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TRIGGER SPACE
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Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

I feel goddamn angry at myself. I can't contain the fear: fear of death fear of being incurably evil and selfish, fear of being left, fear of hurting people beyond repair. What if I'm always going to be like this? How do I dare hurt my most loved one like I just realised I've done? I can't handle the overwhelming sudden feelings, and I feel like I deserve an immediate punishment. My girlfriend is feeling extremely bad, and an apology isn't enough to make her feel better because I verbally hit all of her weak spots, and there's nothing I can do any more except suffer for this horrible stuff I've done. I shouldn't have pushed her away, and I should be nicer to her in any case, and I shouldn't take it out on her it I'm the one feeling bad.

2. Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

Not in this exact place, no. I have never really felt the need to punish myself, even if that might, of course, have been in my subconscious. What I've done earlier when I've wanted to SI is that I've told myself that I'll regret it and that I've promised not to. But then the other option this time seemed to be to yell at her, and that's not something I want to do, either, because it was all my fault in the first place, I think. And anyway, I'm stronger, so I'd rather hurt me than her. I think. Anyhow, no idea on what I could have done instead.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

Yelling at my girlfriend. Which hasn't really helped, only made me feel worse. As for what I could have done... I don't know, asked for help from my girlfriend? But we weren't really talking, as there was this fight. Phoned somebody? No one else of my close friends really knows about this, and no one of them would surely know how to react, anyway. Written something? That seemed too inefficient. Wept? That has no effect any more when I'm in THAT state. Thought about it on my own? Yeah, that would have been good, I think. It always calms me down to be by myself for a while. But well, I didn't, I rushed. It feels stupid and shameful now.

How do I feel right now?

I think this means right before SI'ing? Guilty, guilty, guilty. Angry at myself. Deserving of a punishment. Like I can't stand even existing, like I'm coming out of my skin.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

Not like anything much. It's over so fast. Slight pain, sure, but nothing extreme.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

I know this is not a good thing to say or feel, but immediately after it, I felt better. Like I'd atoned for some of my "sins" (even if I don't believe in God). I was able to be nice to her again and admit that I'd done something bad, instead of just screaming how it wasn't my fault because I couldn't take the shame. As for now, I now know I could have looked for a better way to deal with those intolerable feelings, and that there might have been a better solution, but I try not to feel so bad about stuff that can't be made undone.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

Well, I must really try not to insult my love that much any more, ever. I don't want to and must not make her feel that sad any more. If we get into arguments like we're sure to do one day in any case, I can take a break and go to another room to calm down and sort out my feelings before I say anything that will hurt us more. I must be more open about my feelings, even negative ones, and explain how what I feel isn't her fault. If I still feel I need a punishment, I could do something non-harmful that I don't like, like clean up the bathroom or do press-ups, because in the end, this stuff will be beneficial to myself instead of harmful and so I don't have to feel ashamed for intentionally hurting myself.

Do I need to hurt myself?

That's a tough one. Yes and no. I still think it relieved my stress better than further unconstructive quarrelling, but I could have thought of another way. I don't want to hurt myself, of course not. It gives me more problems than it solves, most of the time. For example, now I don't want to show her my arms (well, she just doesn't pay that much attention to them so she hasn't noticed it yet even if I don't (and couldn't, even) wear a long-sleeved shirt all the time when she's around; we live together, for goodness' sake) because I don't want her to think it's her fault when it wasn't, it was ultimately my decision. No, I don't really NEED to hurt myself, as there are better alternatives, but it's very hard not to in some cases.

[Bathelina]

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
Having no where to turn to and no one to talk to; and wanting to be in control of my life and my body, as I feel that sometimes the people around me are controlling my life and I have no say in what I do or feel.

Have I been here before?
Yes. Once or twice. When I was about 10. But it was different then, I was younger and I didn't really understand, and my friend managed to talk me out of it before I did anything.

What did I do to deal with it?
I was on MSN, and I told my friend that I was getting urges to harm myself. She told me to never do it and it would not help, and so I didn't. I think she is one of the only people I ever told, but she probably doesn't remeber now, it was a few years ago.

How did I feel then?
My parents were arguing and I was really upset and young and I didn't know what to do or feel.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far?
I don't use self harm any more because it caused more problem for me and the scars that I have are so ugly, I hate them; but then again sometimes I look at them and like them. They aren't like other scars, they're really big, and mainly scratch marks. I only have three, but if they weren't there it would just be... weird. But that doesn't mean that I like them, I sometimes I hate myself for doing it. But I've recently been able to wear my arms out with no jumpers, and I feel really proud for doing that, because no one has questioned them yet.

What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I can talk to people, I can draw on myself, write on myself, and I have a list of 151 things to do instead of self harm - I found it on bus.


How do I feel right now?
Optmistic and hopeful, for a change. I've found new confidence to get over my depresison.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
If I am hurting myself, I will be in complete despair; almost every time I get an urge I can talk myself out of it.


How will I feel after hurting myself?
Maybe releif for a short while, but then I will feel stupid for doing it.

How will I feel tomorrow morning?
Tired an stressed but pretty much OK.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
Yes.

Do I need to hurt myself?
No.

[kissthesky46]

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apologies for any triggery, wasn't intended but might have happened.
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Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I'm not sure. I just have days (or weeks ) where I feel so ugly and like people are talking about me behind my back and it's almost revenge, the way I do it, even though only a few people know about it and they're never the reasons I'm upset.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
When I used to feel like this I didn't SI, I'm relatively new to SI in general, but I used to want to. I've always had the urge, to see the scars and know that the pain was real, but instead of the real thing I would actually use a lot of the coping strategies for people who try to quit and press my nails against my skin or squeeze ice. It didn't help much, but a little was better than nothing.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
Eat. But I guess eventually that will hurt me too. Write. Writing always helps... I really should do it more but there's no time.

How do I feel right now?
A bit teary. Not about to SI, though. Sad because I'm thinking about how I used to handle it and now I can't anymore because I've sunk to this.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
Satisfied.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
A little regretful. Stressed because I always cut further up and it's getting harder to hide.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
I should write more. I won't see a lot of people from school over break, that should help.

Do I need to hurt myself?
I don't know. Not physically... but it IS addictive. I thought I would cut once and be done, I'd have tried it finally and that would be it, but even though I know I should stop, I don't WANT to, and it's making me worry.

[badgirl22]

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I am a stupid fuck who can't do anything right, or anything myself, and I can't even keep a promise to myself. My stupidity and fucking idiocy has brought me to this point.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then? yup! but in a different way..tonight was very much rage building inside of me..and I was afraid after screeming I might grab for my husband and hurt him physically so instead I hurt myself. I cut. I delt with it by cutting as usuall. I didn't feel much release then, just anger trying to get the anger to come out of me..pour out of me.. but right now I feel much calmer.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me? I have cut, I am doing this excercise, and I am visiting with Lear, hopefullythat will help. Make stars, and do projects..things with my hands till I get so sleepy I will fall asleep.

How do I feel right now? relieved, more relaxed, more able to deal, more numb

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
tense, sad, frustrated, and satisfied.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning? I will feel bad that I did that again. I will feel frustrated, and sad and angry at self..and more sad that I am stupid.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future? Yes, if I never talk to my husband again!!!!

Do I need to hurt myself? YES!! I do..I am stupid and bad and in idiot who shouldn't be allowed to be alive!!!! YES!!! I need to hurt myself to stop the hurt! To stop it all!!

-me