then in the upper school (Y10 and up) I got bullied for being fat and ugly. Which just destroyed my confidence completely, also getting cheated on time and again helped to make my confidence go too. 
comments/questions are very welcome.I just need to tell someone about this. I dont want to have to think about it anymore. I've never told anyone or talked about it or even written about it before.
After the diary stuff with my mum, i was due to go skiing with school. I had never felt so bad in my life, i was on a permanent low. I had always been worried about this ski trip because Amy wasn't going, and she'd gone the year before with me and we'd agreed to go together again the year after, but Amy couldn't go. She didnt tell me, so i took my deposit and because it was non-refundable, i couldn't get it back. From the moment amy said she wasn't going, i didnt want to go either. It was made worse when we went to Xscape for skiing lessons. I was doing recreational by now, but i still had some complete pricks in my group. There was this one lad called A who i fucking hated, and he didnt like me either. He was short with blonde hair, quite fat and had a dodgy eye. He used to call me names, pull my hair. He was in year 8, two years younger than me, so that made it so much worse.
I remember this one time when we were at Xscape, it was when it all started with him. He fancied this lass, and he was like hitting her and stuff. I told him to stop and he didnt need to do it just ebcause he fancied her (i didnt say is nastily, but as a joke) So he turned it to me. He started on me. I went and sat by the 6th formers, in the hope that they'd ask him to stop, but they didnt.
On the mini bus on the way home he was proper takign the piss. I really wanted to hurt myself (by this time i had be self-harming regularly for about a month) but i couldnt because, although it was dark, it would have been obvious what i was doing.
There was a guy called N who went to Xscape with us, and he was coming on the skiing trip too. I'd hated him at school. He never said anythign to me and he never bullied me personally, but he's bullied a lot of other people. When we were on the mini bus once i was sat in front of him and he hooked a scarf around my neck and pulled it.
Back to A. Once when we went to Xscape, I hit him really hard because he was being such a twat. I dont regret it. I'd moved on the mini bus because he wouldnt fucking leave me alone, but he'd followed me, so i turned round and hit him
I was really worried about skiing. I'd met some friends by now though, so I had someone to share a room with and someone to hang around with and be with whilst we were in romania. They were called V & Y. By the end of the week i was quite close to these two.
I dont really rememebr setting off from school, but i remember when we were gettign to the airport and stuff. I was really depressed at this point, i mean i felt bad *all* the time.
Skiing was a nightmare. B was in my group. He was a complete prick. I hated him. He used to make up songs about me, and him and his friends would sing them over dinner. He would making fucking stupid little jokes about me and tell them to the teachers. He never even stopped to think how he'd feel if i was doing it to him. He got C involved as well. All these people were 2 years younger than me. They were in year 8 at the time, I was in year 10. C was nice to me some itmes, but he changed from minute to minute. One minute we could be sat on the couch in the common room chatting, and the next he would be laughing at me along with B.
D was there too. He's a year younger than me, so he was in year 9 at the time. He was a bit of a prick too. He was in the highest group of skiiers, but i was in the bottom, because although I could ski, i couldn't keep up with the top group and didn't like the ice on the black slope, and they were skiing down the black slope a lot of the time. One day D came with us because he was using snow blades instead of skis, so he was little bit slower than usual. I hated him coming with us. HATED IT. He'd gone skiing with us the year before and it had been a nightmare then, but not quite as bad. I think he only came in our group once, but all the time, all the way up & back down the mountain, he was trying to knock me over. I dont think he managed it, but he kept bashing into me and stuff.
One of the nights we were there, we went to McDonalds for tea. V and I were stood chatting, and the lads were stood with straws spitting paper through it at me. We went into the toilets and V started to cry about it.
V realyl fucked me off sometimes. once when we were sat in the bedroom (i was sharing with her & Y) she threw a dirty wetwipe across the room. No reason for it, she just did it.
im so stressed, I really am. My heart keeps racing and i've had a constant headache for the past week. I cant cry anymore and i get so down and so stressed I find it *so* hard to breathe. I dont think I can wait another two weeks to talk to someone.
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