Just One Victory - Coping With Substance Abuse Problems

[Spidey]

I miss drugs.

This is going to sound like a very dumb question, but what about drugs do you miss?

[lay-z punk]

excuse my interjection

I am happy that I am sober because:

I have money in my wallet (only $3 though )
People trust me.
I don't need long sleeve shirts in summer.
I can go to school.
I have less anxiety.
I (occasionally) love myself.

But goodness knows it is hard.

I haven't used cocaine for 2 years, but just like SH, I think about it every day. It's hard feeling emotions I don't like and dealing with them in healthy ways, but sometimes it helps to list the benefits of not being an addict today.

As an aside, now that I'm dealing with stuff from a reasonably clear perspective (no active SH, SA or major depression) I feel like I'm a teenager.

excuse my interjection

[psychoticangel]

I had been sober for over 15 months, and relapsed for four days. Came back to being clean and sober on June 4th. I relapsed again Tuesday. I was working the AA program, but haven't had the willingness to do the work to the best of my ability. Therefore, it wasn't really working. I am still "out". I have been using since Tuesday. I used today, and I don't know if I really want to stop right now. It is working at the moment. I wanted to change the way I feel and SIing hasn't really be working very well lately. I feel a lot like nobody likes me. I feel like I don't have any real friends. Logically, I know this is not true. Right now, though, I cannot really differentiate between feelings and truth. I don't even feel like my family cares about me. I am not SU. I just am not in a good place right now, and the using is making me numb the way that the SIing did in the past.

How do you stop using when you really don't want to? Is it even worth trying to stop if I don't feel like I have reached bottom yet? I don't really know what else I want from this post.

PM me if you want... or email...

Thanks for reading...

[lay-z punk]

Having been sober for such a long time, I am sure you have a lot of tools that could help. But those tools only work if you can manage to stay sober days for a couple of days, and gain a better perspective of your situation and what it is you really want. If there is someone you trust, I am sure they will do their best to support you if you ask for some help.

I didn't get sober through AA/NA (though I tried, but I trusted nobody then) so I can't say much about it, but getting rid of any tempting substances is a good first step. If you cannot manage this on your own, have someone (who can take a lot of crap) do it for you. You may want to slap them for a few days, but if it works out you'll want to hug them.

IMO, I don't like the idea of reaching a bottom-- because the bottom I was aiming for was inevitably SU by OD. That seemed an inevitability until I got sober.

Just offering what support I can.

[psychoticangel]

thank you

[myfriendscallmeerika]

happy to report 6mnts sober today

whooo hooooo

do i miss drugs? well, of course. i dont imagine you live with something for 15 yrs and not feel the vancancy left behind when its gone. ppl who arent addicts might not understand this: I HATE DRUGS. i miss drugs. DRUGS MAKE ME FEEL TERRIBLE. drugs make me feel good. DRUGS RUIN MY LIFE. drugs fix my life. DRUGS MAKE ME A TERRIBLE PERSON. drugs make me into the person i want to be. i fucking hate drugs. i miss drugs. drugs lie to me. drugs make me lie to myself. the so called "war on drugs" is nothing compared to the war waged in most addicts minds.

i miss the way i felt like such a bad ass.
i miss the way i wasnt in the least bit shy, could talk to anyone on any topic for any given length of time.
i miss the way i never felt fear, never felt awkward, never felt unsure of myself, never felt worried (except maybe over where i was getting my next fix) the way i could feel and express my anger the way i wanted to in ways that i respected and admired.
i miss having a go to solution that worked every single freakin time, no matter what, its gonna work to fix the problem im facing, even if just for a second.
i miss having a sneaky little way to get back at my husband.
i miss being skinny
i miss how drugs kept giving me all these new problems so i never had to address the old ones.
i miss.....

thats about it. compared to my i dont miss list, its pretty measly

[microsue]

Hi Spidey, everyone,

I'm having a pretty rough time right now. I want to stop all the emotional shit I'm going through and just numb out...

I have gotten clean through NA. I really have found the whole program invaluable, and though I'm far from perfect in working it, I keep it up because I know what I'll lose if I start using again.

Ironically, the life issues causing me problems now are not being helped much by NA. Specifically, I have a genetic illness that is progressive, that involves terrible pain; as the illness progresses, the pain increases. I've been on narcotic pain meds for years--it's not considered "using" because such things are between the addict and his/her sponsor and doctor. In my case, I would have been confined to bed years ago (and, to be honest, would have SU'd) without pain relief. I have been careful, with my doctor and sponsor, never to take more than is necessary in order to function, to have a reasonably decent quality of life [with respect to pain management].

The problems causing me such trouble now are as follows:
(1) I'm terminal; newest prognosis is that I will die sometime between now and 3 months; 6 months would be a miracle.
(2) Therefore I'm facing end-of-life issues and decisions that are very difficult and are causing me huge stress, which is increasing the desire to use and/or si by leaps and bounds.
(3) The pain has become unbearable and cannot be helped any further without killing me--I've already been in respiratory arrest twice, and narcotics suppress respiration.
(4) When I share about any of this stuff in NA Meetings, I almost invariably am met with a long, uncomfortable silence and people looking anywhere but at me. So I'm not getting any of the support I have come to depend on. My sponsor does her best, but I suspect dying is like--well...I guess maybe you have to be there. [When occasionally someone does say something, it almost always goes along the lines of, "Everyone is terminal. I could step outside my house tomorrow and get hit by a Semi <large, many-wheeled truck> ! etc., etc." I want to smack them and tell them they have just demonstrated how far they are from understanding me and my situation.]

I could go on, but you get the picture, and I'm in too much pain to continue. Can you see my dilemma? Any thoughts or comments?

--microsue

[bluejadedragon]

I came close to a situation like yours. I had a blood clot in my lung and everyone thought i was going to die including me. But my daughter was only 2 and I wasnt about to let anything stop me from being with her. I refused all medical treatments and I think through sheer will I got better. Granted it is nothing compared to being told you are terminal but you dont have to give up because they are. I dont know what you have but you might want to look around for alternatives...something you may want to check out is a movie called the Beautiful Truth and www.gerson.org
Mother nature can be very forgiving if we just trust our fate to her. Dont give up!!

[VowsOfSadness]

today I won't drink
& today I won't dismiss my not drinking by saying it's just because I have work (I've drank at work & before work before).
& today I won't worry about the drugs. I'll just say this one thing.
Today I wont drink.

[steady hands]

I miss drugs.

This is going to sound like a very dumb question, but what about drugs do you miss?

I'm sorry I missed this.


I kind of miss everything.
I miss being high, I miss getting high, I miss the ritual of doing drugs.
I miss having that as an option. (does that make sense?)
I miss having something to fall back on other than si.

microsue - (if you want it)

I would recommend staying as informed as you can (if it is possible), in order to make the best decisions for yourself, especially when it comes to pain management. If you aren't in a place to make those decisions, I would say that it's best for whoever has power of your medical attorney (is that right? I feel like I'm not saying it right, but hopefully you know what I mean) to be as informed as possible, and know what options and alternatives are available to you, and what you want.

I have a cousin who is terminally ill with cancer, and his mom is making medical decisions for him. She is rather delusional, and doesn't really take heed to most of what the doctors say, and goes against their advice, etc. (So I guess another recommendation is to listen to doctors at least a little) Because of this, he is typically in more pain than he should be, and kind of gets finessed into treatments he doesn't really want but she does, and misses out on other things he needs, but she doesn't think are a good idea. Hospitals are also good places to check for resources like hospice and adjusting to different situations. (I know a lot of them offer pallative care, which could be a good source of support to look into.)

I hope you find something that helps.
I am always here if you want to talk.


VowsOfSadness -
I hope you make it. (if you want it.)

[Spidey]

(It's def OK sidvicious1903)

Did the drugs counteract the SI? Meaning...did doing the drugs, for you, replicate the same feelings (in a way) that SI did/does?

[myfriendscallmeerika]

Did the drugs counteract the SI? Meaning...did doing the drugs, for you, replicate the same feelings (in a way) that SI did/does?

i dont think this question was meant for me but id like to answer it anyways, for myself if nothing else. to sort out the differences between the two.

absolutely not. i actually si'ed *more* when i was using. first of all, the reasons behind the two are pretty different. i can almost always find a reason to si, and its usually a feeling. even if its a feeling that could probably be easily dealt with in other ways, i can usually figure out what it is thats got me wanting to si.

with drugs its harder. often times i can look and look and find no feeling behind my urges to use. i want to use because i want to use. for some reason, addiction is sooo much harder for me to "think through" than si.

do they replicate the same feelings? hmmm, the thing is that drugs and si are both such powerful coping skills that i have used for so long i can kind of use them to produce several different feelings. if i am angry, its an outlet. if i am detached, its a focus- a snap back to reality. if im bundled up explosive racing thoughts, its a calming numbing effect. if im restless, it expands all my pent up energy. if im sad, it makes me forget. if im crying, it makes me stop. if im tired it gives me energy. if im hurt it hurts me worse. (ya know the old forget ur stubbed toe for the broke arm thing) just....whatever ya know. so in that they can both be used to deal with any situation, they are similar.

but does one *counteract* the other, no. because often one produces feelings that are so upsetting they have to be dealt with by the other. for me

[Spidey]

It's like you feel so guilty about one that you do the other...and it's a really shitty and vicious circle...

[Spidey]

Everyone is welcome here, no matter what level of recovery they're in

[microsue]

Heya folks,

[GRRR!!! Spent a fair amount of time on a post which was eaten. Frustrating!!]

Cariad--for what it's worth-- I go to NA (not big in my area--AA is much more tolerated , but...); I know about half a dozen people who have stopped/tried to stop smoking; the general feeling is that nicotine is the hardest drug to stop, bar none.

I personally have never used it, but since both my parents died of lung cancer (well, technically my dad died of COPD, but it's a tossup) , and my best friend was just diagnosed with COPD , I wish you absolutely the best.

Hugs if ok,
microsue /mouse

[steady hands]

(It's def OK sidvicious1903)

Did the drugs counteract the SI? Meaning...did doing the drugs, for you, replicate the same feelings (in a way) that SI did/does?

Yes and no.

When I was using, there were kind of two different types/scenarios/mindsets(?) that I would end up in, and I think one of them did replicate the same feelings that si did/does when I used. (I am kind of trying to stop, but not at the same time. So I guess it's kind of did, but I don't want to freak myself out by saying I'll never si again.)
I think for me, there was a definite difference between those, and I think it's mostly due to the social aspect of it, but sometimes I also went into social events where there would be drugs, etc, in the mindset that I was using to replicate si. (Typically, when I was using to replicate si, I would use alone.)

I think a lot of the time, I used drugs as an escape or a distraction from what I was feeling, or I used as a way to harm myself, or verify negative thoughts. (This I guess is how I used drugs in place of si.)
Although there were times when I would be using and si'ing. So I guess that there were times when I wasn't replacing one with the other.

Overall, I would say my substance abuse was destructive.
Did any of that even make sense?

[loveLights]

deleted 12/13/2009...
I didn't like this post here anymore. If I keep concentrating on someone else's recovery when they don't want me to, then I will loose sight on my own issues and let myself get into trouble.

[KeepTryin]

I'm 4 months clean from drugs. But, shoot, I have been really struggling with not drinking. All I can think of is going to that liquor store and getting some and getting drunk. Whew...trying to play the tape forward....

[loveLights]

I'm 4 months clean from drugs. But, shoot, I have been really struggling with not drinking. All I can think of is going to that liquor store and getting some and getting drunk. Whew...trying to play the tape forward....

4 months.....that's really encouraging! If you don't mind me asking... Do you have someone in real life to talk to about wanting to drink? I really like that you are "trying to play the tape forward." That reminds me of what I need to do when I'm feeling like that. It's been a few days since your post, so I hope you are doing well.

[steady hands]

any tips for sober living in a not sober place?

I am going to school away from home right now, and there are seriously drugs everywhere, and I'm trying to kind of get away from that. (I don't want to seriously get back into using.)


gretchen.