Me, being stagnant. **religion**

[kurdt_kobain]

I'm really worried about this.

I went to a Bible Study, and we talked about if desire was a sin--I brought it up because I had been spending all my time daydreaming about hurting myself and pretending I was. My English teacher, who I have the most respect for, told us that it is not but that we need to curb our thoughts and watch them because our thoughts become our actions.

I've never really been the kind of person who bothered to control her thoughts--I think increadibly uncensoredly but I never say it. So I didn't bother trying to not want SI.

Then I was like, um okay. I'm sad. So I scratched my wrist, only past the first layer of skin, just enough to leave an increadibly thin line that wasn't deep enough to draw blood or even scab over.

Our thoughts do become our actions. If we want something and lust after it for a long peroid of time, eventually we'll do it. I'm not saying you have a bad day, I'm saying I wanted to SI even on the good days.

I'm becoming increadibly stagnant with everything I believe in because it is just hard to change and I've been this way for a while.

So at the Bible Study, we do accountability. I was like, "I don't even know where to begin. I guess I need to talk to someone."

My friends were like, "Oh! Talk to me!"

But see, it's too big of a deal to trust with someone my own age, and I have never in my life went to an adult with a serious problem.

I don't want to have to explain everything I've done to someone either. I have too much emotional baggage, I guess.

I have a T, but I do not share things with her, and my problems are more the type where I need to talk to a religious adult--but I don't know. I don't have this type of relationship with anyone.

I got into a fight with my mother yesterday and I ended up wandering the streets crying and came home when no one was left. I had a friend that lived close, but I couldn't go to see her. I just couldn't.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I need to talk to someone face to face. I need more then online hugs and stuff.

And please, no (HUGZ) or or whatever.

I'm just really confused.

[magebaby]

i'm sorry things are hard at the moment.

i can certainly understand the need to talk to someone face to face, and it is really hard to open up to someone about SI. as a religious person (i'm Jewish, but the principle remains the same), i often try talking to G-d when i'm having a really hard time. G-d can handle my anger. you could try to find someone at your place of worship -- a priest or memeber of the congregation. many religious leaders get some form of training in counselling, and could be really good at listening to you, and discussing things in a religious context if you want them to. just be careful that you don't chose someone who is likely to respond with sermons.

if you're having a really hard time wanting to SI, something you could try is squeezing ice cubes until they melt, as this hurts but won't have the longer term effects of SI.

i hope you find someone and that things get better for you. in the meantime, i can only offer a virtual shoulder for you if you want it -- feel free t opm me if you want to talk.
take care,
magebaby

[Middleground]

Sometimes when I want to SI I go pray the rosary... it really helps to pray, if you're so inclined, and the beads give my fingers something to do besides hurt me...

[kurdt_kobain]

I'm Lutheran. No rosery.

:-/

[Minigoth1]

I'm mormon. everything is a sin.

but it is good to talk to fellow teens your age that are of the same religion. it will make you feel better.

[raven]

I remember having these thoughts before too... whether thinking of SI is sin and such... there are verses in the Bible that say keep your mind on things above and let each thought be captive to Christ, and things like that. there is that whole being angry at someone is just as bad as killing someone. obviously you can't control anger/feelings/thoughts all the time, but i think maybe it's more of once you recognize the feeling/thought/anger, you should deal with it constructively... which i still haven't learned. or bring it before God, seeing how He is the ultimate counselor.

I'm becoming increadibly stagnant with everything I believe in because it is just hard to change and I've been this way for a while.

It is hard to change, i agree. but that's no reason not to. i know you may not be ready, there is hope for a different life, a better one, in the future. you can take it by the hand and live differently...

But see, it's too big of a deal to trust with someone my own age, and I have never in my life went to an adult with a serious problem.

when i first told someone, it was someone i had only talked to a couple times before, but somehow i trusted him. it was very odd (maybe God sent?) telling someone your own age may not be a good idea unless there's someone you truly trust, and it doesn't sound like there is. i'd recommend talking to an older person, maybe someone who helps out with the youth, or a youth pastor? usually they're more receptive and also more helpful... and again, there's always a time for a first time! is there anyone like a pastor tht you could talk to? if not, maybe you could go on one of those internet things, like teenhopeline.com; i've never used it but i hear it's good... i think they might be able to refer you to other churches/youth groups in your area; maybe if you went to a different church and talked to the pastor? that might be scarier... i don't know.

also, about friends our age... a lot of time sthey say hurtful things, but if they're truly your friends ,they do mean well... and they probably just don't know how to act. but it might hurt more than it helps at first...

anyways, i've rambled for way too long. pm me if you need anything... i'm sorry for taking up so much space!

raven.