Things Left Unsaid *LA*

[Bridget0688]

I gave all I am to you. I was completely in love with you. I was so enamored with you that I didn't realize that you will never understand me, nor do you intend to. I trusted you with all my secrets, all my dreams.

And you threw it all away.

"If you cut yourself I won't talk to you."

Right when I was going to tell you about the recent stuff I've done, you say that. I don't trust you anymore.

Don't expect me to tell you anything anymore.

[no_angel]

I love you Matt.
You've made everything worth it. You've made me want to live again. I'm so sorry I've been difficult and I'm sorry I've tried to push you away so many times. I don't know how I'm going to get through each day without you. Even the most horrible day was better just knowing that I could talk with you and laugh with you. How am I going to do this without you? I want to beg you not to go, but I know you'll be happier where you're going. So I won't say a word even though my heart is breaking. All I want is for you to be happy. Please don't forget me.

[talliah]

deleted

[gingerfish]

d- what on earth were you thinking? i know we used to do some crazy shit but we never ever went *that* far. you fucking left me, you left me alone to deal with all that shit, you made everything about me. you have no idea how bad it’s been without you. I needed you and you promised me you’d always be there and you lied and you left me and I haven’t cried a day since you went.

c- i’m sorry i always laid so much of my shit at your door. you’re just a kid and that’s not fair, i never got to be a kid either so it’s not fair I took it from you too. I’m also sorry i didn’t know and couldn’t protect you.

l- so angry, so lost, so hard to explain, so painful. if I saw you now I’d probably hit you.

m- i only ever wanted one thing. there’s too many things left unsaid between us to choose any one thing but that’s the biggest one. I know I hurt you and I know I let you down. i’m sorry i can’t be everyone you want me to be. i want to be those people too, i’d much rather be where they are now than where i am. but there’s only one thing you never said and that’s ‘I’m sorry’. well i'm sorry, this is all i have.

j- i love you, i’m sorry i already failed you

r- thank you for understanding me

j- thank you for not understanding me, thank you for teaching me how to hate myself for loving something so hurtful. thank you for my many lessons I hope you will always remember me the way i no longer am, your faithful subservient student.

[dreams]

g - u will never know how much some of the things u said hurt me. I love u i will always love u. I'm sorry i'm not good enough.

dreams

[~Claire~]

J~ I love you so much. I love you the world over but you're hurting me so much, I miss you. I miss the way you made me smile. I miss the way I always knew you were there for me. I miss your letters and trinkets in the mail. I miss IMing you. I miss you. I broke your bracelet. Im sorry. It meant so much to me. Am I just more hassle than Im worth right now? I know you're hurting so badly right now, so let me be there for you?

J~ Im sorry I put so much on you recently. Especially today. You dont deserve all my shit. You deserve happiness. Never forget how amazing you are, okay. I love with everything i have.

D~ You dont know anything about my life. You know nothing. Dont tell me you do. If you did you'd break down, and Im not telling you cos I care about you too much to do that to you but I just wish you stop acting like you know everything. You know none of it. My life's not as sweetness and light as you may think.

K~ Im here for you baby. here always. Talk to me as much as you can. I know how much you're hurting, how much they're hurting you. I love you my beautiful baby sister.

C~ Im sorry I havent called you since it happened. I dont know how to help you. I dont know if me saying anything will help you at all right now. I dont know if anyone will. Im in a bad way and I cant cope. I can't imagine how hard finding out all that stuff must have been on you. I wish you'd come to school, just for one day. I know you dont want to leave your mum, but you have to look after you as well. You can't always stay in. You'll never get better if you dont look after what you want too.

R~ Thank you. Thank you for always being there, making me laugh, trusting me, caring about me, hugging me. You are my lifeline right now, even if you dont know it. You let me have that bit of time out. That time where I can just laugh histerically at something incredibly stupid and forget about it all. Thank you for being you, I love you.

S~ The world doesnt revolve around you okay?! Maybe the latest argument with you're mum has upset you, but other people have problems too. Has it ever occured to you that maybe are problems are upsetting us more deeply than yours. you can't take it all out on us. We're always there for you, when are you there for us? Just look at yourself for once, look at how unfair and selfish you're being to the people you call your best friends. Whenever P or I are there for you, you leave us, when you have an argument with them its us who's there for you, us who sorts it out. Im tierd of being your fall back. Do you want to be my real friend or not?

C~ Im gonna miss you so much. Its gonna be so strange without you around. I cant believe its only a week. I love you so much, you'll always be one of my best friends. I'll never ever forget you. You have to keep in contact, I've lost to many people, I dont want to loose you.

H~ Thanks for being a sweetheart when I most needed it. You're much more special than you try to make out.

J~ I love being your cousion. I love sharing everything with you and I love the way we have exactly the same minds so we can tell exactly what we're thinking without saying a thing. I dont trust you though. I mean, I know you wont tell people things about me, nothing like that. I mean I dont trust the things you say about you. You exagerate to such an extent that it becomes lying. Maybe its cos you're insecure, I dont know. i just wish we could share everything, like we do now, but I could have the confidence in you to believe what you're saying. i know it's not all lies, but how do I know which parts are and which arent.

Claire xx

[GooGooPanda]

JF - You wouldn't believe me if I told you.

RC - I am having so many problems with you right now, but I don't want to tell you about any of them because I don't want things to change. You are the only one who is the same every day...the only one who isn't going to be mad about some stupid little thing I said or did. I wish I could talk to you, but I love you to pieces and I can't risk you getting upset or angry.

KM - AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

CS - Yes, I SI. I'm sorry if that grosses you out. We all have our shit.

KS - Thanks for understanding. I know I can talk to you.

[tomwg]

this place will do, for now.

lani, i had a great day on friday. i'm glad i've found you again.
and i guess this is what makes this harder... because you won't know why.
but i'm disapearing again.
from you, from that one year we were friends.
from that time.
friday was closure for me.
a chance, after 9 years to put it all away.
put it into perspective.
to see how far i've come, how i've changed, what has happened to me since then.
where i've gone and what i've done.
that life, that exsistance is something that i hold dear in my heart. it was a year of my life that was so pivitol to my development. and you, my friend were a part of that exsistance. a very big part. i can't even think of vegas w/o you as a part of it. but it wasn't even a full year. it was 9 months (more or less). a fragment of time. it almost doesn't exsist. not when we can look at the past 9 years... time flys, eh?
see, i've developed this theory: i guess it started two years ago when i broke up w/ RBJ... a theory about how to find me, in me by going back to where it all started.
back to the begining.
i know you get this, because it is why you are going back to NMHU. you need that "new" start also. only your life and the directions it has taken in the past 9 years, the past 6 years has been very different from the path mine ended up on.
2 years ago (between drinking bindges) i started over again... i had to pick up pieces of myself and i had to go back further than i expected to get to where i am today. i went back 10 years, to high school...
to the begining.
to the start of it all.
to SHS and Ann. and the girl i was. good thing i've kept a journal. it made things a little easier.
this record of my life.
and i knew i'd come to a point that i'd have to go back to vegas too. because even if it wasn't the start, it was a part of the "before."
and i've put it off, lani. for more than a year. i've put it off. because i didn't know how to go back, except w/you. the only other person i could have gone back w/... i have to come to a point where i accept that i'll never see him again. not in this life again. i'm not there yet, but i will get there.
i could only go back w/ you. because you were there... for that 9 months.
i'd like to say i've missed you dearly all these years. that i've felt a hole in my heart because of the lack of you. but i'd be lying, and you'd know that. sure, i've missed you-- your sense of humor, you quirky ways... but i've not missed you on a day to day feeling. ever.
not like EDA or MJ.
you are different. maybe because i know if i want i can find you when i want to. maybe in 9 more years.
i'm going now lani.
we had a good day on friday.
thank you for helping me close some things.
always,
the oscar mayer wienner goddess

[pandora]

.....

[dreams]

please come back to me. i need to feel your arms around me again. i love you. i can't stand it that your gone.

[DiamondHeart]

B-
It's not your fault. It will never be your fault. It is not your fault that your dad drinks, or that your mom for whatever reason stayed with him, or that he takes it out on her. Unless you're putting a gun to his head, it is NOT your fault.

Unfortuantely, you've already heard this (at least I hope you have). But you don't believe it. 'Sok if you don't. I still don't believe most of the time that it's not my fault for all the things that have happened to me. It takes time, and time has a nasty habit of not being able to be reasoned with. But the thing is, I know it's not your fault. And Natalie knows it. And Pastor Jenn knows it. So the only one who can't see it is you. And that's a GOOD thing, because it doesn't matter if you don't believe it, it doesn't make it any less true. And when you do accept that you have no responsibility for him whatsoever, it will make your life a whole lot easier. And don't look at it as, "I'm doing something wrong.", because you're not. Look at it as, "This thing sucks, but it won't always suck."
If it stays your fault, that means you have control over it. It's something YOU are doing, therefore something YOU can change. Until you are ready to accept that you can do nothing, and accept that no matter how hard you try you can't change him, you will always believe that you could have done something, or not done something, to make it better. And right now, you probably need to believe and have hope that there's something you can do, because to accept that there isn't would feel like giving up. And people like me and you don't give up.

But there will come a day when you will be ready to realize that you cannot fight this battle, and instead of giving up, you hand it over to God and say, "I can't fix this and I need help." (Yes I said the bad word, help. And it had "I" and "need" in the same sentence. Even worse.) And then you have to trust Him to take care of it. He really does have a plan for everyone. I know that in my heart He will take care of me, and of you, and that in the end it all will be okay. It is always okay at the end, and if it isn't okay, it isn't the end. It may not be the way you would have liked for it to be, but only He knows what will come next. Take some comfort in the idea that there are at least two people (beings, souls, deities, whatever...) who know what the bloodyfuckinghell is going on. Don't try to rush this process. It doesn't happen all at once. It happens a little bit at a time.

I love you so much. You are so amazing, Brandon, it is just unbelievable. You have so much to offer people that it floors me to think of what you could do if you really wanted to. I am going to sound very sappy and Hallmark mushy-moment-ish, but there IS something in you that is very rare and special. I see it in you. I saw it in you when I cried and you held me in your arms and I knew it would be okay, that I was safe, that you would never hurt me. I never felt safe before. I didn't know it was possible to show that much of myself to someone and still be safe. And I was right. Even after all of the hell you've put me through (and vice versa, Lord knows I'm not exactly a summer picnic myself), I would not trade one second I have spent with you for the world. And if your father and mother cannot see the person I see in you, then that is their loss. I can't make them, and neither can you, but there are other people that can help make up for that. So many people love you and care about you and care about what happens to you. And that is because you have given them the same thing. Me. Natalie. Pastor Jenn. Sami. And I'm sure there's more, but at the very least, three extremely strong-willed Texan cowgirls and one nerve-wrackingly kind pastor have got to count for something.

No one will ever be able to replace a parent's love, because even as great as God's love can be, every child should have their parents' love as well as His. Me and you got a raw deal in that department. And I can't say any magic words, because I know how much it hurts to cry yourself to sleep at night, wondering why they don't love you and why you aren't good enough. That will always hurt. It's supposed to hurt, because it's wrong. There is nothing I can say to make that hurt go away. But it will get less and less, again in time. Time doesn't heal all wounds. I don't know if anything will ever heal our wounds, but I know that whatever it is, it won't be time. But I know that time and love can make them a lot less painful.

It's story time. Feel extremely lucky, because you're about to see my spiritual side- and yes, I do have one. My faith has always been strong, it is just very personal to me and therefore lies dormant most of the time. Hence why I'm not real big on public displays of faith, like organized religion (heh, go figure).

You never know God is all you need until God is all you have, until you have been driven to your knees and dragged yourself back up so many times you can't even begin to think of standing up again... and then being pushed down one more time. You can either give in and lie down and let it steamroller you, or you can ask for God's help, and He will rise you up again and help you to stand on your own again.

I used to think that if I asked ANYONE for help, from my stupid dog who runs into trees to God, that it would mean I was weak. These were MY problems and to ask for someone else to step in would be unfair. Not taking responsibility for what I thought was my fault (hint: there's a pattern here). I tried harder and harder and things kept getting worse and worse, so I tried even harder until finally I was pouring everything I had into just being able to survive. Something would push me and I would push back and think, "NO, I will NOT let you beat me, I will NOT let you beat me, I will NOT let you beat me." And it would push again, and again, and again, until finally one day I literally just started screamng. I screamed at God, how DARE He do this to me, how dare He let people hurt me like this, how dare He try to tell me He loved me and that He would care for me when He had let my world be shattered into pieces? How could He ask me to hope and trust and love when I had been treated like a worthless slut, something to be used for whatever anyone wanted and then cast aside unwanted?

This was a few months ago, at some unholy hour of the morning. I thankfully had the prescence of mind to walk outside before I started screaming at the top of my lungs so as not to make my parents think that I had completely snapped my cookies. When I got back inside, I was very upset, crying hysterically, shaking, my stomach so cramped in knots I think it wrapped itself around my spine a few times. I took some deep breaths and tried to calm down, and when that didn't work, I started reading Psalms. I like Pslams because all you have to do is crack it open to the middle and start reading at any random place.
It opened to Psalm 88, "The Suffering of Affliction".

O Lord, the God who saves me,
day and night I cry out before you.
May my prayer come before you,
turn your ear to my cry.

For my soul is full of trouble
and my life draws near the end.
I am counted amoung those who go down to hell;
I am a man without strength.
I am set apart with the dead
Like the slain who lie in the graves,
whom you remember no more
who are cut off from your care.

(It goes on like that for awhile, and this print is REALLY small and it's like six in the morning and I'm working on maybe four hours sleep, so go look it up and read it if you really want to. Anyway. Here's the ending.)

But I cry to you for help, O Lord
in the morning my prayer comes before you
Why, O Lord, do you reject me,
and turn your face from me?

From my youth, I have suffered your terrors and am in despair
All day long they surround me like a flood,
They have completely swallowed me.
You have taken my companion's love from me,
The darkness is my closest friend.

Can we say, "APPLICABLE?"
I was like, "OK! Made your point!"
Then, and this is going to sound really stupid, but it was like God was telling me, "Someone has got to take this. There are people who could not bear the cross I have given you to bear, and so you must bear it for them. Satan, being Satan, can beat people down and make them suffer, but I can make him pick on someone his own size- you. I believe that you are strong enough to beat him."

Whenever I feel like giving in, just letting anorexia and self-injury and depression swallow me whole and then spit out my bones, I remember that God believes that I have the strength in me to kick some serious ass. I looked at myself and saw how I had been helpless to stop anything that I wanted to just STOP. Then I realized, as horrible as it was to have my parents divorce, to be raped, to have to live with constant pain all around me, I have lived through all of that. I am still here, I'm still breathing. As awful as it was, it didn't kill me. And it's OVER. And I did all of that by myself. I didn't even know I had God on my side back then, but I did. Even though, yes, He "let" me be raped, evil must be in this world, and it falls on the shoulders of those strong enough to take it. I'm proud to be one of the strong ones. But now I have other people here to help me, and I can rest before I have to stand up again.

You don't have to go through this alone. Listen to what you have told me all along- though you will have to face your demons yourself in the end, it's not against the rules to have people cheering you on. You will win. I know you will. God believes in you, and I believe in you. You are so much more than this now, and down the road, who knows? Just never, ever give up.

Christ had to go through the scourging and the crucifixation before He could be Ressurected. The darkest hour comes before the dawn, and that means facing a lot of very long hours that just get darker and darker and scarier and scarier. You're already falling, Brandon, and sometimes you hit nasty thorny branches on the way down. Know what though? There will be someone there to catch you, and listen to you, and dry your tears, and hold you, and give you whatever you need. And it WILL be okay, dammit. It is going to be okay, and in the meantime I will do everything I can to make it as bearable as possible. I might not be the one who catches you, but there will be someone there. I can promise you that. Or maybe lots of someones.

You were the one who first showed me how to do this. Think you can let me return the favor?

~Diamond~

[say]

Please pick me. I just want someone to pick me first.

[Dungeon_Lilly]

James- get down from your high horse and look at things from my level just quit judging me i'm trying and it's not easy you knew how I was long before we were a couple you knew about the SI since we started talking so stop trying to change me. You don't know what it's like stop assuming you do.

Quit being such a hypocrite you know I hate therapy but you make me go but you wont see anyone never mind how many walls you smash holes in or what you damage you wont calm down your as bad as my dad.

[say]

If things were different... Well, things are not different.

Just because it would be a hard choice to make doesn't mean you don't have a choice.

No one will ever pick me. I'm leftovers, so quit trying to tell me otherwise. You didn't pick me, and you aren't going to, so don't tell me you "would", because you haven't and you won't.

[eyeris]

nr- you think that you can ignore me all semester because you found another person to indulge you in your selfish-egotistical ways, and then you two have a fight and quit your friendship -- or whatever weird relationship you two had -- and you think you can suddenly pull me out of your "old clothes" drawer and I'll be just the friend I was before? Wake up, you are self-centered, there's only a week of school left and when I leave here I leave you too. You're selfish, manipulative ways drain me of energy and patience and you took advantage of my kindness and ability to listen. I thought I finally had a real friend, but I guess I was wrong.

[serenity]

Stop telling me to get a fucking guy, you have no idea about my past. You have no idea how much they hurt me, you have no idea about the feelings and emotions and pain i have towards having a boyfriend. You have no fucking idea. I guess thats my fault. I just wish you'd stop pressing me to tell you who my new 'guy' is. Its not the only fucking thing in my life y'know. I just broke up with M anyways. Why do i need a boyfriend? huh why? I have other things to take care of first. Just stop pressing me. Fuck.

[say]

E - I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry if my posts hurt you, and I'm sorry if my pain hurts you. I'm sorry.

I don't know why you're still here, though. It's only a matter of time before you get suitably freaked out or overwhelmed. It's only a matter of time before you leave.

[Boris]

to a lot of people: i pretend to be happier than i am sometimes so that you'll leave me alone. so why don't you leave me alone? i DO have problems, even if i don't tell everybody about them. i don't try to be a suck-up; teachers just like me and i feel too rude if i don't act the way i do. it's not that i'm a suck-up, it's that the rest of you idiots have no idea what manners are.

p: i have one name, and one name alone, unless i'm on the internet. you only ever see me irl. so use my name!!! you piss me off to the end of the earth and you really need to get your head out of your butt.

to a lot of people: no i don't have a boyfriend and i don't want one. that doesn't mean that i'm gay. i'm not gay, i'm just not interested in ANYONE right now and you probably have no idea what i'm going through so just drop it. i don't need to be pressured into having a date. does it really matter if i don't get a date in high school? sex isn't what everybody seems to think it is, at least not to me it isn't. it's hard to appreciate someone romantically when you've had your virginity stolen from you like i have.

k: i know you love me and i wish you could help me somehow but everything you say seems to be so hard from me. i know you've been through some tough stuff too, so surely you could understand better than you seem to? and just because you've witnessed things, it doesn't always mean that you understand. thank you for telling, it did help, i only wish you were there for me more often now.

and i have a tonne more that i need to say...i'll save that for another time.

[Twitter Mouse]

Gail- You fucking bitch! I fucking hate you!!!!! How could you do that to her, she is NOT CRAZY!!! YOU'RE THE FUCKING CRAZY ONE, YOU'RE JUST TOO FUCKING STUPID TO REALIZE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There is nothing wrong with her, you're just a stupid fucking bitch who enjoys seeing your daughter be unhappy, she is a great girl who does everything she can to help stop all her friends from cutting and killing themselves, and you have the nerve to send her IP. YOU ARE SUCH A STUPID FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[say]

Please don't tell me I'm beautiful. I can't take it right now. I can't hear it right now. I won't believe it and it frustrates me that you continue to say it. I am ugly, and I am comfortable with being ugly, even if I don't like it. Don't set me up to fail- I do that enough myself.