Written about my feelings last night, when I SI'd after a long-ish pause.
Might be triggering to some, but there's nothing graphic here.
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TRIGGER SPACE
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Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I feel goddamn angry at myself. I can't contain the fear: fear of death fear of being incurably evil and selfish, fear of being left, fear of hurting people beyond repair. What if I'm always going to be like this? How do I dare hurt my most loved one like I just realised I've done? I can't handle the overwhelming sudden feelings, and I feel like I deserve an immediate punishment. My girlfriend is feeling extremely bad, and an apology isn't enough to make her feel better because I verbally hit all of her weak spots, and there's nothing I can do any more except suffer for this horrible stuff I've done. I shouldn't have pushed her away, and I should be nicer to her in any case, and I shouldn't take it out on her it I'm the one feeling bad.
2. Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
Not in this exact place, no. I have never really felt the need to punish myself, even if that might, of course, have been in my subconscious. What I've done earlier when I've wanted to SI is that I've told myself that I'll regret it and that I've promised not to. But then the other option this time seemed to be to yell at her, and that's not something I want to do, either, because it was all my fault in the first place, I think. And anyway, I'm stronger, so I'd rather hurt me than her. I think. Anyhow, no idea on what I could have done instead.
What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
Yelling at my girlfriend. Which hasn't really helped, only made me feel worse. As for what I could have done... I don't know, asked for help from my girlfriend? But we weren't really talking, as there was this fight. Phoned somebody? No one else of my close friends really knows about this, and no one of them would surely know how to react, anyway. Written something? That seemed too inefficient. Wept? That has no effect any more when I'm in THAT state. Thought about it on my own? Yeah, that would have been good, I think. It always calms me down to be by myself for a while. But well, I didn't, I rushed. It feels stupid and shameful now.
How do I feel right now?
I think this means right before SI'ing? Guilty, guilty, guilty. Angry at myself. Deserving of a punishment. Like I can't stand even existing, like I'm coming out of my skin.
How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
Not like anything much. It's over so fast. Slight pain, sure, but nothing extreme.
How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
I know this is not a good thing to say or feel, but immediately after it, I felt better. Like I'd atoned for some of my "sins" (even if I don't believe in God). I was able to be nice to her again and admit that I'd done something bad, instead of just screaming how it wasn't my fault because I couldn't take the shame. As for now, I now know I could have looked for a better way to deal with those intolerable feelings, and that there might have been a better solution, but I try not to feel so bad about stuff that can't be made undone.
Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
Well, I must really try not to insult my love that much any more, ever. I don't want to and must not make her feel that sad any more. If we get into arguments like we're sure to do one day in any case, I can take a break and go to another room to calm down and sort out my feelings before I say anything that will hurt us more. I must be more open about my feelings, even negative ones, and explain how what I feel isn't her fault. If I still feel I need a punishment, I could do something non-harmful that I don't like, like clean up the bathroom or do press-ups, because in the end, this stuff will be beneficial to myself instead of harmful and so I don't have to feel ashamed for intentionally hurting myself.
Do I need to hurt myself?
That's a tough one. Yes and no. I still think it relieved my stress better than further unconstructive quarrelling, but I could have thought of another way. I don't want to hurt myself, of course not. It gives me more problems than it solves, most of the time. For example, now I don't want to show her my arms (well, she just doesn't pay that much attention to them so she hasn't noticed it yet even if I don't (and couldn't, even) wear a long-sleeved shirt all the time when she's around; we live together, for goodness' sake) because I don't want her to think it's her fault when it wasn't, it was ultimately my decision. No, I don't really NEED to hurt myself, as there are better alternatives, but it's very hard not to in some cases.