awkward .

[GeometricalGirl]

Hi everybody.

I think I've posted here once or twice in my life, but I'm mostly a *fly on the wall*. I hope that doesn't sound creepy, I'm just always afraid I'm going to sound stupid.

But in case you want to know anything about me before I pose my questions: I'm 18 and I've been SI-ing since I was 11. I'm bipolar, I think type 1 (my psychiatrist is very vague). I'm adopted and I love my family very much but I have "fear of abandonment" and such, and I scare or confuse nearly everyone I meet. But I believe you'll understand where I'm coming from.

And if you didn't want to know all that, sorry I never mean to be narcissistic. Just happens.

But my question. I have a couple, actually: I have scars on my arms and I have a hard time accepting it. Nobody outside my immediate family has ever seen them. But last summer I wore sweatshirts in 90 degree heat and I felt crappy. This summer I want to wear t-shirts. What can I expect? I'm really scared about it. What should I say? Should I lie? Should I buy that pancake makeup? It's starting to get warm outside and I don't know the best way to deal with it. Needless to say, I worry a lot. I'm afraid if I don't plan ahead I'll cry and run away, or blame it on an alligator attack or something even more unbelievable. Any advice...?

And also. Last question. I've been seeing a therapist for a pretty long time - two years. I began seeing her because of my *disordered eating* but the SI came up eventually. Once she asked to see my scars, so I pulled back my sleeve and showed her. Then she went on to say that she had another client with three times as many scars, and that hers were deeper and bigger and worse. I felt really bad. I'm a competitive person - I know that may be a sick thing to compete with, but I can't shake it out of my brain. After the session, I went home and made a big scar. I didn't handle it very well. I guess I'm asking for advice. I never know what to do. Or maybe I'm just hoping someone in the world won't think I'm a freak. I dunno. Sorry. I always have such a hard time asking anyone for anything... it's stupid. I feel bad asking for a virtual hug or whatever. Why should you give me one?

I'm so wordy. I hope there's not a word limit. Sorry again. I did read the rules and I know I'm not supposed to hate myself on this board. I just feel really screwed up and alone sometimes.

If anyone ever wants to talk, I promise I'll listen.

- GeometricalGirl

"and if it seems i'm floating in the darkness
well, i can't believe that i would keep
keep you from flying
and i would cry
1000 more if that's what it takes
to sail you home"
- the lovely tori amos

[Stellaria]

Firstly,



There is no word limit (or I would often be in trouble ) You don't sound stupid at all.

As for your reaction when your therapist told you about another client with worse scars - it sounds just like something I could do in that situation. I don't intentionally try to compete, I keep my scars hidden from everyone except my boyfriend, my logical mind says that making bigger scars doesn't make me count more. But my gut reaction if anyone, especially medical staff, say anything about the size, number or severity of my injuries, is that more is better, and that what I do is "not yet good enough". From what I have learned on the bus board, this is not at all an unusual reaction. That is why there are rules about not posting those types of numbers, since many of us find it so hard to not compare.

I'm really sorry that your therapist wasn't aware of how comments like that tend to mess with the mind of many SI'ers.

My experience has been that people will sometimes say things like this which trigger my SI competetiveness, even if they mean no harm. It's pretty impossible for me to educate everyone everywhere to never say those things, so I try to look at how I can deal with those situations. Three things that have helped me a little are

- notice and admit to myself that I do get competitive in these situations

- think about alternatives of what the person might have intended to say - probably they did not mean to say "you should go hurt yourself worse", maybe they were really thinking "I'm relieved that your physical injury is not worse since I care about you", or "Your SI scares me, maybe if I try to make it look stupid you will stop it". Or whatever.

- remind myself that there were times when I was feeling ultra horrible emotionally, but the physical SI was very small, or I didn't SI at all. So I know for a fact that how bad my SI is does not always show how bad I'm feeling.

If you can talk to your therapist about it, that would maybe be good. In any case, know that you are not a freak and that this is a common reaction.

There have been a lot of discussions here about scars, and I don't think there is a standard advice for everyone, since situations will be individual. I pulled up a few more or less random links to previous threads - I don't think it's going to answer all of your questions, but maybe you will find it interesting to read about different experiences and perspectives.
How have people reacted??
explaining/excusing scars
How do you accept your scars?
Sourcebook contents - there's a section there called 'scars'

Hope you will get more comfortable with posting eventually. It's nice to meet you!

Nina

[darkrose]

(that's my favorite hug! i give it to everyone I think really needs it!)

(those were because I like giving hugs!)

I can't offer you much help. but from experience I know that people don't really see scars! so you shouldn't hav to worry. But if you do you could wear makeup on them...but thats no fun. Perhaps you could write all over your arm in bright marker....that way people will read the writing instead of looking at the scars....hmmm i don't know if that one's any good (I'm reaching for something different here!!)
I hope you take care! (PM me if you ever want! I'm always here to listen!) (and I mean I'm here like every night!)

-Darkrose

[Distant Reflections]

Take as many as you want.
The amount of scars and the depth of cuts aren't at all related to the way you feel. We all have different pain tolerace; what is relatively "minor" for someone could be bad for someone else, but their feelings are still the same. I hope your therapist wasn't implying that you're si isn't as "real" or "bad" as the other person's just because of how you hurt yourself.
I don't know how noticable you're scars are, but in my experience people don't really pay much attention, even when they're fairly obvious. Also, it's not too likely that someone who doesn't have experience with si will assume that that's what the scars are from. If someone DOES ask about them, just use one of the excuses from the list, or say "long story." People generally don't really care about scars, usually if they ask they're just trying to make conversation.
PM me if you need anything. Good luck,
Sally

[Sparrow]

Hi and Welcome Hugs to you First please don't think you sound 'stupid',,because you don't at all. Expressing your thoughts and feelings is never a stupid thing,,,it is a brave and important thing.
I feel badly and really understand how you must have felt with your T 'comparing' your scars to another person they treat. That is just so unprofessional in my eyes. If mine ever said that to me I 'know' I would feel really lousy and would think I shouldn't be sitting across from you right now. I also know I would most likely go home and SI.
I don't know about your scars and how noticeable they may or not be. Some do fade in time ( if that helps at all for you ) By the way,,,I'm glad you found us and hope you will find comfort and support here.

[wondercheese]

I have light sweater that is really lacey and open. It has long sleeves, and it would be appropriate to wear in the summer over a t-shirt, it just ties at the neck, but it covers enough of my arms that the scars are hidden.

wondercheese

[thingsfallingapart]

i kno how u feel, my best friend didnt kno about my SI and she saw my arm. its so akward sumtimes...

on a lighter note im not wearing anything this summer, just several weeks of nakedness.

[thingsfallingapart]

sorry if the above message was innapropriate at all... *hug* <- if ok

u can get some really thin long sleeve t-shirts for the summer..