Post
by DiamondHeart » Fri Feb 13, 2004 10:03 am
B-
If you want to hash out what happened and what to do about it and all that jazz, then I'm all for it. God knows I could use the closure.
If at some point you are willing to let me beat this to death and then poke at it with a stick while it rots, but would prefer we figure out how to have a conversation that doesn't go *random burst of conversation* ...silence... *random burst of conversation* ...silence... first, that's ok too. Probably not a bad idea.
And you're allowed to bitch at me too, you know. I wasn't exacly all sunshine and daffodils either. Some of what happened was purely my fault, some was your fault, but alot of it was just that we're both just really, really fucking stupid.
I am going to be scared you're going to hurt me again. For a long time.
Hurt me once shame on you
Hurt me twice shame on me
It doesn't matter what you say, it doesn't matter how many times you ask me to trust you. It doesn't matter because I genuinely believe, even after all that's happened, that you're a decent guy and that you never meant to hurt me.
Doesn't change a thing.
It doesn't change how much it hurt, it doesn't change how much I cried, it doesn't change how hurt I still am to know that you didn't MEAN to fuck me over, you just...did.
If you don't KNOW, and I mean know beyond any shadow of a doubt, that you truly want to try to fix what happened and talk about it and that you WON'T give up on me again...please, if you ever cared about me at all, GO. PLEASE. And don't come back until you can tell me that you do. It doesn't make one damn bit of difference to me.
The only way I'm gonna get hurt out of this is if you act like you're sincere when you're not.
Problem is, as best as I can figure it, you ARE sincere until, well, you're not.
I'm going through more than you could believe right now. I'm not so lacking for entertainment that I'm willing to go through this all again. Didn't have so much fun the first time around I'm that keen to try it again. I'm going to be randomly pissy and bitchy and odds are, you're not going to know why because I DON'T TRUST YOU. If I say drop something, DROP IT and please don't get quiet and pissy. I realize that's a double standard, but just... The more you push me to talk to you the more I'm just going to clam up to be a contrary bitch. You appear at least to have improved on that. I was impressed.
If you want me to badly enough I'll trust you again with at least opening up to you. It's gonna take more random conversation to do it.
I am not going to hunt you down and make you fix this. If I had any interest in making you grow up I would have done it already. If I thought stalking you into submission would make either of us feel better about what happened, rest assured I would have done it a thousand times over.
~Diamond~
[/i]
"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."
-Dory, <i>Finding Nemo</i>
"Good feeling's gone."
-Marlin, <i>Finding Nemo</i>
"Find a happy place, find a happy place, FIND A HAPPY PLACE!"
-Peach, <i>Finding Nemo</i>