Things Left Unsaid *LA*

DiamondHeart · Post by **DiamondHeart** » Sun Nov 30, 2003 7:53 am

(why do i even bother to put this? he's the only i ever post about anymore anyway....)
B: Do you have any idea how much my life SUCKS right now?
GRRR. And I can't even blame it legitimately on you. RAWR.
I miss you. You were actually semi-useful at helping me. And I miss that. Alot. I could use someone right now. You did help me. Alot. If nothing else, you did that much for me.
You went all arrogant and pretentionous and obnoxious on me. What the hell happened between June and September? Dude. Did I just bring out the worst in you or what? Oh, and I'm still SERIOUSLY pissed that you cheated on me twice, and were STUPID enough to do it with my best friends, and then had the balls to get pissed when I called you out on it. (Just so you know, you never got the one-month anniversary present I got for you. Poster signed by Creed. Funny how finding out your boyfriend's been fooling around behind your back will make feel extremely non-gift-giving..ish. Grrrrrrr.) AND that you ended being the one to break it off after all that. Gr. You annoy me. And you're not even here. And I'm not even really talking to you.

And I wonder why no one can ever have a relationship with me. But I digress.

And I still want to know what the FUCK was up with that insane turnaround back in October. You told me that you and I were past ressurection (and had been for awhile, apparently, just when did you plan on telling me? and why did i have to ASK you what had changed? that was kind of shitty.) and I freaked. I bitched you out past all reason. That was really mean of me.
I'm not going to say I didn't mean it, because I sure as hell meant it then, and I still do to some extent. I am going to apologize for it, because I was a cunt, and there's no good reason for being that hellacious to anyone. And I cried. For hours. I thought I was going to die of sheer dehydration from crying.
And then you sent me a pissy email back, I sent you a "oh holy shit what the hell have I just done" email, and we talked. About what happened back when we first slept together. And I felt better about it. I managed to stop crying.
And then.....nothing. Literally. NOTHING. I was really scared. I was really, really scared. I needed to talk to you BAD. And then I read your stupid journal...I can't believe that. I can't believe you didn't even have the sensitivity to SAY it to me.
You didn't lose a fucking PICOLITER of respect because of ME.
You lost it because of your actions. Because of what you CHOSE to do.
I did not pressure you. If you felt I was, I'm sorry. I never, ever meant to. For Chrissakes, do you think ME of all people, SOMEONE WHO WAS RAPED, would pressure someone to have sex?!?!!! I'm sorry you didn't TRUST ME ENOUGH to tell me that you weren't ready. That kind of hurts.
I trusted you. Totally. Even if it didn't seem like I did at times, I trusted you, God, you still have some of my heart. You have NO idea how much I HAD to trust you. To show my scars. No one had ever seen any of my new cuts before you. To give you my scalpels (I cannot tell you how much I want those back. Gr. You could at least have replaced them after going fucking pyscho on my ass). To do anything even remotely sexual. I was scared out of my MIND of you, at least in that respect. And it HURT so badly. I HATED it. I hated every fucking MINUTE OF IT. I felt like I was betraying you.
Where was I...oh yes.

Quite honestly, the nicest thing you did in this whole craptacular episode was to leave like you did. To just cut me off. Leave me bleeding and screaming and crying, because otherwise it would've been about 10 times worse.

I'm just pissed...at me, you, your parents, that you cheated on me, that I screwed stuff up, that you screwed stuff up...

I want to know one things.
Did your mom really read the emails?
Because I have a hard time believing that she didn't tell my parents that me and you had sex.
Just wondering.

~Diamond~

WickedWitchElphie · Post by **WickedWitchElphie** » Wed Dec 03, 2003 8:59 pm

K: I said it to you last night and I'll say it again, you're breaking my fucking heart here! You can't tell me your opinion and tell me you love me and care about me and you're warning me and expect me not to listen! YOU KNOW I LISTEN! YOU KNOW I TAKE TO HEART EVERY WORD OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!
I can't do this anymore. You, Z, and H are pulling me apart bit by bit and I really can't take it, especially this week. I feel like you're supporting me less if I choose to be her friend and supporting me more when I choose not to. This isn't fair. You're not being fair. I have to make a decision and I know someone is going to end up unhappy, and I have to choose who I want that to be.
I know you've told me that it didn't matter, that she doesn't matter, all that matters is me and you. But that's obviously not true. I feel like you're gonna love me less if I stay friends with H, and that is one of the places you're being unfair. I've known her longer than I've known you!
You keep saying you're just trying to protect me because you don't want to see me hurt. Well do you think that I want to see me hurt? I love you so much for caring about me, but I'm a big girl. I have to make big girl decisions sometimes, and I know it's really hard for you to watch but I can only learn from my mistakes. You just want to protect me and I understand that. But I wanted to protect you from A and you wouldn't let me, because you trusted her and cared about her. Well I trust and care about H, and if she hurts me again, you said I could come to you and cry, and you know I will. But I think that right now, me and H can stay friends. Girl friendships can be fickle and mean and have lots of fights but at the end of the day, the girls are still friends. That could be how it is for me and H. If it is, you promised you'd be there. So stay here with me.
I've made my decision. I thought you made yours. If you don't think you can support my decision then I suggest we have another talk.
Just remember I love you. So much. And I love you for everything you do for me. You're amazing.

H: I'm glad we're friends again. We fight, it's natural. I overreacted. Whatever (if you just read this) is between me and K will stay between me and K, meaning I know you love me, but please don't talk to him about this. I have to talk to him about it. And I will.

ComfortablyNumb · Post by **ComfortablyNumb** » Wed Dec 03, 2003 10:02 pm

I can't be perfect!! I refuse to apologize and make excuses for who I am anymore, and I'm not going to let you tell me I'm not good enough anymore. So just SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!

K: Just watch out

J: I love you but stop looking at me everytime like ooooo she cuts herself...

R: Just stay the fuck away from me if you want to continue breathing...

ladymorgaine · Post by **ladymorgaine** » Fri Dec 05, 2003 11:57 pm

Mom: Just back off. I don't care how much you love me. Its partly your fault I turned out the way I did. Quit telling me that its my own fault I'm unhappy and don't look at me like I'm a freak. For once don't get hysterical and cry but just listen to me. Yes, I want to kill myself most of the time. Yes, these cuts on my arm are not from the cat... I did them.

Alisha (sister): You fucking bitch. I am so tired of hearing you whine and complain about your stupid problems. Yes I'm sure life is very hard for someone who only works three days a week and makes twice as much as I do. I don't care if so and so might not like you. You want to know what depression really feels like? You don't know shit. Do you want to know what it feels like to wake up every morning and want to die because everything seems so hopeless and pointless? Do you want to know what its like to be afraid of people? To not trust anyone because of what happened when you were younger? Do you know what its like to hear shit in your head and to see things that aren't there? Things that make you look over your shoulder constantly. Do you know what its like to pick up a razor and not be able to stop yourself from cutting over and over and then to have people look at those scars and critisize you and look at you like you're a freak? Fuck you for not being there for me when I've been through hell for you. And no, God isn't going to help me, so go ahead and disown me because I don't know if God even exists.

pretty · Post by **pretty** » Sat Dec 06, 2003 6:15 pm

AS - If you want me to be a part of your life, I will be. But you can't just text me saying some guy you're with is bugging you when you haven't even bothered to tell me there is a guy in your life. You can't just text me telling me everything is fucked up, or implying that you wanna be with me. I'm not just here for you to unload your shit on at completely random times. Thats not fair. And I don't appreciate the implication that my marriage is gonna go the same way as yours did. Fuck off and leave me alone, I don't love you anymore if i ever did, you let me go.
AP- If you're happy I have no problem with your life, but please take a long look at yourself, and at him. You used to be wonderful and passionate, but that person has died. You don't even think anymore
K - I'm really angry that you didn't come to my wedding. I'm really angry that you couldn't get organised and that you gave me less than a weeks notice. I really didn't need that.
IF - You're supposed to be family. Whart did I do to piss you off? Fine, don't come to my wedding, but you could have at least answered the invite. Miserable bastard.
IH/DH - He is not a child anymore. It's too late to cling to him and try to make up all the damage you've done. He is fine, he is happy, he can take care of himself. I really don't like the way you assume I can't look after him. I'm sorry if you don't think I'm good enough, but tough shit.
IH - He can't eat a whole cake on his own before it goes off. Well he can, but it does him no good. Why do you bring him five or six cream cakes at a time? You know I can't eat them so he has to. If he dies of a heart attack at 45 I'm blaming you. I'm not being petty. It really pisses me off.
A - Why are you still her friend? How can you still have her in your life? Anytime she calls or you mention her you see how much it hurts me. I understand that you get on with her, and that you want to be friends. But I just can't handle it. She makes me feel so shitty, like I have to compete with her for you to love me. I know that's not true but it doesn't help. If this feeling doesn't go away I'll end up making myself ill to outdo her, which is stupid. God she makes me crazy. And it makes me crazy that you actually like her, when you told me how horrid she was to you! I know you don't get it, but put yourself in my shoes when we were fifteen when I was just as fucked up as she was but everyone payed attention to her. No one even saw me. You loved her becaause she was so ill and it seemed kinda romantic. I've had that for the past seven years. So can you see why I can't cope with her being around? I love you so I'll live with it, but please don't ask me to like it.

Issei · Post by **Issei** » Sat Dec 06, 2003 10:49 pm

How can you call me your friend when you ignore me and only think of yourself...?

How can you say you're there for me, and yet when I need you most, you're talking to people and 'too busy' to call...?

How can you say you care about me, then yell at me for doing one thing a second later than you asked...?

How can you giggle and tell me not to hurt myself, to just be happy, when you don't even know what I'm going through...?

indiegirl · Post by **indiegirl** » Sun Dec 07, 2003 12:29 am

can't believe i have only just found this thread

only one thing i want to say;

S: did we ever have a chance? will it ever come again? i love you.

L x

theatregeek · Post by **theatregeek** » Tue Dec 09, 2003 1:20 am

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WickedWitchElphie · Post by **WickedWitchElphie** » Tue Dec 09, 2003 10:36 pm

Lots of things, and they're all directed to you:
You are a little sneak!!! But you really shouldn't do that in school...I love it, but a little too much, and you for a fact (recall last night), that when you do it I just wanna shove my tongue down your throat and kiss your neck...so you can't do that in school if I'm not allowed to do that in school.
And whatever the rest of the world is on, I don't care. I think you are absolutely adorable. You're cute in all the right ways, you're loving, amazing, beautiful on the inside and out, you protect me and help me ad guide me through ANYTHING. I'm in awe of you constantly.
You know when we're together and I look at you and then close my eyes? It's so I can remember the moment. The moment you made that cute face, those eyes, your scent...when you're not there I go back to those memories and smile, and it keeps me feeling okay until I see you again.
I love you. Just figured you should know.

WickedWitchElphie · Post by **WickedWitchElphie** » Sat Dec 13, 2003 10:05 pm

*I can't believe any of you. I thought you were my friends. Don't try to lie about it because the people who have never wronged me are the ones who tell the truth, and I believe them.
You are all the most pathetic backstabbing people, and it disgusts me. If you have something to say to me, goddamnit say it to my face. If you think I can't take your weak insults and petty problems with my faults, try me. Just try me. Say, "Jennie, I think your a bitch," instead of telling each other that you think I'm a bitch. I would LOVE to look some of you in the eye and say, "Well, I'm happy you told me what you think of me. *name*, I think your a pathetic, lowlife, bitch. And I want to thank you for coming to me, saying what you needed to say, and allowing me to say what I need to say. Now don't ever speak to me again."
I have absolutely no trust in any of you right now. None. No discernable trust, and you all have yourselves to thank for that. So don't come crawling to me with your petty problems and fights between each other, because even if I fixed them, all you would do was talk about me behind my back with those same people, after I bent over backwards to help you. Well screw it. You're getting no more help from me.

*You are the sole person who has been there for me uncofuckingditionally. I love you so incredibly much, I love you for standing up in what you believe in, and I love you for believing in me. It would be so easy for you to believe what they say, but you don't. Thank you so much for believing me. You're the only thing that makes me believe in love, trust, and friendship right now, and you're the only thing keeping me from slitting my wrists and letting the blood flow, because I feel so betrayed, and I feel like everyone hates me. You change that. You make me feel like the best person in the universe. And I owe you my life for that. You've taught me an incredible amount about love, friendship, trust, and myself.

ComfortablyNumb · Post by **ComfortablyNumb** » Sun Dec 14, 2003 2:45 am

Just go the fuck away and leave me the hell alone!!!!

lore · Post by **lore** » Mon Dec 15, 2003 1:07 am

this is going to be a long rant. i'll preface it with saying that no one (except perhaps bethie) on BUS (unless i don't know you're here...) knows this person to whom i am writing this....though some of you may have heard me speak about him before. this person is not in mansfield and you don't know him. love ya'll however.

to b-dog:

god, sweetie. your brother is an ass. he's a nice kid but he's a little thick sometimes. i should have given it to him straight and said i'm not allowed on the phone....but instead i said to not have him have you call because i would be gone the whole weekend, which was mostly true but i hoped you'd at least remember. no matter, i just can't use the phone until 12/28 now instead of 12/21. sigh. i don't know why i called in the first place anyway...i mean, you assumed it was for my thanatopsis project...but i guess i just wanted to talk. where were you anyway? libby's, i assume. damn...idk i guess lately, ever since the bso, ive started to sincerely regret turning you down. when you wear all black, and look into my eyes...oh goodness. you know how often i dream of you two breaking up? or of you falling back in love with me? i miss you. i spent the day with sean and it was sorta fun...and ive been talking to jak....but i miss you. it's my punishment for treating you so badly last year. and i have the feeling that the only time i'll ever kiss you is onstage. i guess i have to let things be.

i'd call now but i dont want you to call my house later and have me get in more trouble. if i do later though, ill tell them not to call. see you tomorrow. love you, bro.

ComfortablyNumb · Post by **ComfortablyNumb** » Tue Dec 16, 2003 1:42 am

GOD DAMN IT I AM NOT A FUCKING JOKE SO STOP!!!!!!!!!

lore · Post by **lore** » Wed Dec 17, 2003 2:59 am

greeeeeaaaat. i'm not attracted to sean, and jak has a love elsewhere. and as always, you are in love with libby. but today after school, standing behind you while you played the piano...and holding your hands..it felt so right. my hands just fit into yours. i'm sure hers fit even better. sigh.... i don't know what it is. i just want to put my head on your shoulder..but i don't want to depress you. i just....i don't know how far i'm allowed to go!

Twitter Mouse · Post by **Twitter Mouse** » Thu Dec 18, 2003 12:38 am

Jenn-If you and Jason are argueing, don't put me in the middle and make me argue for you. I don't want to ahev to choose between being friends with you or him. If your mad at him, talk to him, don't make me do it.

Jamie- I'm sorry I've been so stupid lately. I don't mean to upset you. Thank you for listening to me, and supporting me.

Kris- Thank you for everything.

WickedWitchElphie · Post by **WickedWitchElphie** » Thu Dec 18, 2003 1:24 am

The red pen marks on my arms today was supposed to be the sign to you that I'm NOT getting better.
I'm getting worse, because I know I can't cut, so I have these increasingly morbid thoughts all the time. About how awesome it would be to bleed and slice and feel pain again. That's what I want, and you think I'm getting better, BUT I'M NOT!!!
I call out to you all the time when I tell you the little things, give you the little hints, but you need everything spelled out for you, and I'm not just going to go up to you and say, "Guess what? Even though I haven't cut, it doesn't mean I'm better. I WANT TO CUT BUT I PROMISED YOU I WOULDN'T, REMEMBER?!?!?!?"
You don't get it do you? You make me so happy, but I can't handle everything else. I adore you. You have my heart in your hands. You know that. The entire world knows that. And whoever doesn't, I would tell them.
But with all this other stuff, I can't handle it. I can't handle all of the passion sometimes. I feel like I'm buying into the passion because I need something, and I'm just taking what's there. I'm not saying that I'm afraid and want to take it slower, I'm saying that sometimes I just need to be held and have you stroke my hair, but I feel obligated to do more.
I just wanna lay there with you and feel you hold me tight and cry.
But I wanna cry blood.
What I really want is for you to stop telling me you could fix the scars if love could fix them. Love can't fix my scars. That's been proven apparent. Kissing them won't fix them, no matter how badly I want it to. Crying on them won't fix them, either. When (the inevitability) my parents find out, I'll never see you again.
So hold me now while you still can.

theatregeek · Post by **theatregeek** » Thu Dec 18, 2003 2:32 am

come back...please....why did u have to leave me??? please!!!!!! i love you papa. i love you so much. i cant face the fact that u are gone...we have done so much, and it seems like only yesterday we were at a 4th of july party at your old house, then playing hide and seek in the cemetary....the same cemetary you are buried in now. When they where praying over your casket and handing out flowers i realized you were forever gone...no more of our fun times...it has only been 4 days...and it seems like an eternity....i know you left knowing you were loved...if u could only read nana's calendar. the day you died...she wrote "6:30pm Godspeed Darling...I Love You" I lost it. I havent stopped crying...come back...please just return to me...you promised me...if i lived and stayed out of the hospital you would too...i know...you couldnt help it...i miss you....i love you so much...Remember me...i will always be your little heidi...your sidekick...And everytime i eat at nana's i will always picture you...drinkin your coffee...readin the paper...trying to get the dogs away...and everytime i here "FORE" i will picture you...at the country club...on christmas or easter...slicing it into the woods....and laughing to yourself...

I Love You Papa

can't say · Post by **can't say** » Fri Dec 19, 2003 8:50 pm

FHF: Do not be nice to me.

And F? you are not getting a christmas card this year. you won't even notice. it's the last time it will be a big deal to me.

WickedWitchElphie · Post by **WickedWitchElphie** » Fri Dec 19, 2003 10:40 pm

Read wayyy too many posts about...stuff...today, it kinda triggered me, and I'm afraid something is going to happen tonight between us because of it.
Be careful with me, because I will be especially submissive tonight to whatever you try to do, and if ANYTHING happens I will disassociate majorly...take care of me?

bus

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