Things Left Unsaid *LA*

[ShellyT]

you said you liked me. YOU TOLD ME YOU LIKED ME, you jerk! where do you get off on ripping people's hearts out, huh? YOU BASTARD!!!!!! you hurt me so much...how can i ever face you again.....

[Scarlett]

To whomever wrote that on my door today: WHY???? What did I do? Are you trying to send me down a suicidal spiral? Or are you just a heartless bitch??? AAAHHHH

[tomwg]

hey you, i dreampt you again last night. we were making out on the bed, petting and kissing... you and i.
i dream you a lot. at least once a week. and i know it's you... even if i've never met you in life... you are the one, the one meant for me. at least i hope so.
in the dreams, they are so real, i know how you taste and feel, your smell... i crave you. i miss you.
we don't know eachother yet... but i know that i know you somehow, maybe on a cellular leavle or something. on instinct.
let me tell you a little about me, because i want you to understand me, a little. very few people do. and, if you need help "getting" me, then talk to c or monkey child. no one else knows me better than them. especially c-- and with what she doesn't understand about me, she loves anyways... a good tip. that one is a freebee--- no more.

so me, i have a past, we all do, and i've tried to unload my baggage or at least store it somewhere safe, but, alas, somethings, some scars are forever.
i'm going to start from the "begining" at least.... from where i feel my story started... my childhood... well, i have pictures, and a movie... it was happy.
so, my past from the start... there was eric a. a soul mate. he was my first year of college... i loved him. it was with him that i first remembered my childhood trama. at the time i thought of it as abuse, but it wasn't... it was an older child, and a younger child, playing. inappropreatly, yes, but child's play and curiosity non- the- less. he held me when i was crying... and when i needed it then, gave me strenght. he has my innocence... always will. i accept, many years later that i will always miss eric, and love him, and that the longing for him will never go away. it is the way it is.
highlands was an interesting place--- i have lots of stories about there, about the people, lani, and sarah, and j- bird. about blue peinises and mr. m. faine. theater, ghosts, vibes, and the colors.
but i'm sure i'll tell you all about that. this is the highlights.
eric was special, and very important. robert, he was...
what was he? he was a lot of things, tall, handsome, smart, talented, strong, abusive ... and the 6 1/2 years with him were, long & hard. he was suposed to be my rebound from eric. the one to get me over the other. it worked and it didn't work. he was my first... and it was a good experience. robert never got me, and if 1996 had started diferently, and if the next 4 years had been different, well, i wouldn't be here now.
it isn't so much the time with robert that is important, it is why i stayed so long with him that is, because i can't seperate out one from the other. they are mixed, and even when i've wanted to seperate the two, i can't.
Why. i lost a cousin in jan 96. i wasn't close to him, or his sister. it wasn't his death that made me depressed, it was my own guilt. guilt over being thanful that it wasn't monkey child who had died. that it wasn't my brother. that was my prayer: one of thanks. and i didn't know, at the time that it is okay to pray that way... all i knew was that i was guilty of thanking god for not taking my brother... and this compounded itself... into 4 of the longest years of my life so far. i wanted to break up with robert during this time... i think i tried too... but he had me in a place i didn't know how to deal with... he knew how to minipulate me, my mind, my emotions, my body... and this during a time when i was low anyhow. so, i stayed with him, because i didn't know what else to do. i went to school and found something i loved. being a chef. it has been my saving grace, and it is a part of me. thank god for that part time baking class.
i wanted our love to be forever... to last. maybe it is neive, or just stupid, but whatever... maybe it was catholic guilt about sex before marrage. like i said, whatever. somehow i wanted to believe that we could get married and live happily ever after... ect ect ect.
then, c met jer in 2000. and for the first time in 5 years i had something to look at that wasn't what i had. very complicated. but you know them, and it is ovious that they have something special. do we? i don't know... but to all who know c and jer, they have it in spades. good for them! and seeing what they had, made me realize what robert and i didn't. as it was, by then, i was getting over my depression, comming to terms with my guilt and finding myself in my work and my profession. and i was comming to my own. and i did this without robert's help. he had his own issues to deal with, from his skiing accident. and he delt with them too, in his own way. but by 2000, when i was becoming stronger... he became more contoling of me, more jelous, more abusive. when i think back on things, i think that 2001 was the worst year for me with him. we had more fights, more ugliness... it was hard.
i changed jobs in 2001. i went to hell, and found a twin soul. matt. he didn't cause my break up with robert, but his firendship did contribute in a big way. matt was the only person in all the time robert spent away from me that made me want to cheat on robert. the only one i would have cheated with. in dec 2001, when robert left for the olimpics, or the hope of the olimpics, i knew it was over. and this is why i celebrate our breakup in dec. in reality it took 4 months for it to be totaly over.
matt... what can i say about him? i loved him too, no doubt about it. he was a dear friend, and i would have... it is still painfull to talk about him, the ache inside. i miss him. we had a beautiful day together once, and a date, and a drunk horny night. then, a bloody, violent ending that cost me more than just his friendship. it cost me my reputaion, my job, and a very broken heart. somedays i swear i hurt more from matt than from robert. sometimes it feels about the same.
robert made me doubt myself. my strengths, my guts, my own feelings. he wanted to keep me down, where i was not long after we started dating. he didn't like me for me. he didn't understand me and never wanted too. the thing about mental and emotional abuse like his, is the scars are deep, and i'm not sure right now if i'll ever be compleatly okay. it is so suttle, the ways in which he hurt me... and i still feel the doubt he helped feed all those years... i'm working on it. i know it was lies, and i know i'm better than he gave me credit for, smarter and talented. i'm good at what i do... and he didn't get me here, i got me here. no one else.

so, here i am. no question about it i'm a strong woman. i run my own show... i'm a suvivor... i have no choice. so, you may choose to walk, and, from my past i can't blame you. to date no man has been able to deal with me as i am. for who i am. i'm a handful, no doubt about it. but i have my issues. i'm dealing with my si. working on it. i miss the men (except robert) i've loved. i wonder "what if" but it is all bullshit anyhow.
this is me. i'm soft, and i can be hurt, but i'll heal. i only ask that you be gental with me. i'm a lot of things, that can't be put into words... and by the time you get this, i may be more. i'm complicated and at times i don't even know what i'm doing... but i'm real. and i want to know, can you handle this? i'm a mess... and i'm together, i'm me. i know i'm extreems... i have been forever. i can't do a thing about it. and i like that about me.

[WickedWitchElphie]

*Please, you can't do this to me anymore. You just can't. Stop it now, or else I'll go back to the way I was and everyone will hate me. But that's what you want, is for everyone to hate me, so he'll leave me. You can't take him away, not now, I need him too much, I've always needed him, please just support that.

I'm not afraid to admit it here: I NEED HIM. He doesn't know how dependent I am on his love, but I am. I don't SI for attention. But I think I might be going back to the way I was and no one could handle that. You could 'cause we're not that close. I couldn't handle it, he couldn't, they couldn't, but you could. So you're trying to fuck up everyone else's lives. It's not gonna work. He wouldn't do that to me.

*Would you?

[Stormy]

I've already told these people these things, but it seems more effective to just talk to thin air...

A.L. WHAT is your fucking problem? Do NOT sit around and piss and moan about how AWFUL your life is, and then turn around and fuck over your friends with a smile on your face, and then fuck yourself over in the process with the STUPID shit you do, you two faced SNOT! WHY do you STILL try to compete with me? ACK

A.J. There IS a world out there, you know. Crawl out of your head sometime.

B.L. Get your head out of your ass, grow up and DEAL WITH IT! Quit stewing in your own negativity and trying to bring everyone else down in it, you fucking drama queen!

J.W. You're too boring to even yell at anymore.

D.B. If you try to convert me one more time, that symbol of your faith is going to be shoved straight up your ass sideways.

C.T. Oh you poor little victim for life. Yes, lets all feel sorry for your ass because you make everyone hate you.

T.L. Where ARE you?

[WickedWitchElphie]

*Fuck it all, one day you're awesome, one day you're a major trig, screw it. Just pick what you wanna be in my life.

*I love you, you're too awesome, and we're both in the same boat here, so now at least we have each other to lean on.

*I love you! So much! *snuggles close*

[jacidsky]

my little crazy juggalo... i think me and you were destined to meet each other and il always be your lil' 'lette. your my fukin soul mate and i love you with all my fukin heart... be friend and let it be that please... me and you were so close but i cant take it any further... please dont push. you will make it... your a free bird... you are my muse... i love you bud-die

dont fade away baay baay

[angelwithapintglass]

parents - if only you knew. if only you knew.
please, stop him being so awful to me. it might not seem so much to you, but every time he says the wrong thing, or looks at me the wrong way, i'm broken down again. and i can't handle it.
at least stop him doing it at the dinner table. please. then maybe i might feel good enough to eat, sometimes.
if only you fucking knew.

x

[DiamondHeart]

B-
God I fucking miss you so much...
idon'tunderstandwhatthefuckhappened.
idon'tknowifitwasmeoryouor what the hell...
who the fuck are you? seriously, who are you?

are you the guy who held me while i cried?
or the guy who cheated on me twice?
are you the guy who would walk off the end of the earth to help me?
or the guy who ditched because his friends didn't like me?
are you the guy who loved me?
or the guy who betrayed me?

i don't understand this. i don't understand why i still miss you but you don't miss me. i really do not understand this and i like to understand things.
i don't understand how you can be so fucking twofaced. i so do not fucking get it.

*bangs head on desk* i hope you're happy. i really, really do. if you're honestly happier without me, than ok.
i just wish i understood why i could be so happy with you but not you with me...

~Diamond~

[Inwë Lessien]

A ~ I miss you so much. Are you sure you love me or ever did love me? Then why are you being like this? Are you just hellishly busy? Do you ever wanna see me again...I'm so scared you don't want me...I don't know what's gonna happen in a few days...all I know is...I love you.

L ~ I miss you. Come back on, please? I love you, honey :: Are you ok?

[Lipsi]

you hurt me so much you scarred me worse than i can ever do to myself. your with me everywhere i go reminding me i'm just that stupid girl trying too hard. i dont try anymore you know. i gave up. you called me names whispered behind my back and pretended to love me. i knew you were lying but i didnt care i took everything you ever gave me. the insults, the passing comments the falseties. i cant let you go. i cut off all contact but your everywhere i turn even in my dreams. i just want to say goodbye but i know this isnt the end

[ShellyT]

its strange how you're the only one who know how much it hurts, and yet you're hteo nly one who can make me hurt like this. you hate me. i know you do. why dont you just punch me in the face or something, and get it over with. i'm your firned, remember? i'll always be there for you to take your anger out on, or to beat into the ground. ive always been there, its good that you're taking advantage of this "friendship."

[WickedWitchElphie]

What happened yesterday...was a little too much for me. So much no one, even if they were reading this, can know what I'm talking about. I won't talk about it or post it or anything, because it could be a mistake on either of our parts or it could be you not realizing and me getting paranoid or it could be exactly what I took it as. Don't let it be that. I was getting scared and I was going to move because I wasn't sure what was going on, I almost started disassociating (something that hasn't happened in a while), and almost had a fucking panic attack.

I'm just a little girl, this is my first serious relationship and I want this to last. I love you so much and I know you would never intentionally hurt me, but last night you unintentionally scared me. I just want you to hold me again so I can forget. I always keep little things in my mind for a while but I don't even wanna think about this anymore. I sound like you, overanalyzing this whole thing, but I have to. Except the more I write about it the more it scares me. I don't know if it had anything to do with the whole topic of the night or not or if you just didn't notice...but we need to go slow. I don't mean slow, I mean like...you know what I mean. But if I post what I mean here people IRL will read and talk. I couldn't handle that.

Just remember I'm saying this out of love, not hate, and out of respect and safety for myself right now. I got scared, it happens easily. I do like to snuggle and cuddle and be close but I might've just needed my space after everything yesterday. I hope you understand me.

[WickedWitchElphie]

I was wrong the other day, I got paranoid, I am SO sorry.

I never spoke a word about it to ANYONE. So no one knows. You might not even know what you did. But I do.

I owe you the biggest hug and kiss for everything you've done for me.
You know I'd give you the biggest hug and kiss anyway, because I love you so much!!!

And just tell me if I scare you when I do that thing... . I don't mean to hurt you, and if you don't like it I'll stop...but you're just that irresistable .

[double_agent15]

C: they are not my freaking little friends!!!!!!!!! They are a part of me....Grrrrrrrr..... I'm not really sure why I try to tell you anything when it is so obvious that you don't understand any of it. Sure you try and I know that you try but still...... I try to be careful of what I tell you. Try to not tell you more than you can take. But it is at the point where I expect absolutely nothing from you. Don't expect you to be there, don't expect you to care. It hurts but I'm sick of expecting you to be there and then you aren't. So now I just expect nothing.

C: Wish that I could talk to you but I can't. It's just too hard. I'm sorry. I don't like to make you cry.

C: Did you know that I know too many people whoose names start with C? And unfortunitely that would be about the most that i say to you as well. It's not my fault that i don't trust you. I could count on one hand the number of people that I actually trust. And unfortunitely I don't know any of them in real life You say I can trust you but I can't. I can't talk..... I'm sorry.

S: Everytime you are tired it does not mean that you have to take a nap hon. I'm not liking being up all night becuase you decide that you need a nap every night about this time

P: I wish I understood how it worked. How you see me and know me as well as you do. I really wish I knew.

P: I just don't understand........... How can things be so confusing?

L: I hope you are okay hon. I'm thinking of you.

[WickedWitchElphie]

I miss you...if you come over tomorrow ...God wait until you see this...

[WickedWitchElphie]

I'M NOT FUCKING PERFECT AND I HOPE YOU DON'T EXPECT ME TO BE BECAUSE I'M NOT...AND YOU'RE NOT EITHER!!!

[WickedWitchElphie]

IM NOT PERFECT

[WickedWitchElphie]

I'M NOT PERFECT, DON'T EXPECT ME TO BE, 'CAUSE I DON'T EXPECT YOU TO BE

[Inwë Lessien]

A ~ I swear, I'm not trying to be clingy...I just miss you so much when you're not here!!! And then, when you are within arm's reach, denying me access to you is like denying my lungs air...why can't you see what you are to me?

I'm sorry she's not well; I'm sorry she won't eat...but there's nothing I can do about that! And there's *NO* reason for you to push me away because of it. I love you; can't you see that I just want to be here for you?!

Just tell me what you want. Please, lets not fight anymore....I love you. ::