Secrets Thread - Read first post!

[StarChild]

I really like this girl I've been seeing, but I feel like I don't deserve her.

[Kaleb]

I really want to talk to you .. I actually miss the friendship we had before ever getting together and before everything went wrong .. I want to just talk.. And I hate myself for it

[StarChild]

My girlfriend has never seen my arms and I've only mentioned my SI in passing.

And i STILL don't feel like I deserve her.

[Alexander]

****TRIGGERS: sex****





I don't know if I'll ever feel sexually attracted to anyone again. And I definitely don't think I'll ever feel safe enough with anyone again after everything that happened.

I don't even know what my sexuality is. I'm afraid to identify as asexual in case it's just because of the trauma and I don't want to pathologize asexuality as something that needs to be 'cured.'

I don't want to be 'cured' by being coerced into sex.

I don't know if I even want to ever want someone again, knowing how easy it is to coerce me when I'm sexually vulnerable.

I don't know if there's anywhere it's even safe to talk about this. I don't want it to turn into 'problem-solving' where I feel shame and experience flashbacks or have to talk about what happened and when and how much.

I'm really scared and for me sex and fear don't mix.

At the same time I feel really uncomfortable, left out, and unable to speak about these things when sex is a topic. And I'm unhappy how often it's depicted as such a positive and overwhelmingly wonderful and desirable thing.

And I'm REALLY really unhappy that it seems like it's an inescapable expectation/requirement in romantic relationships, like I can't have love and safety and trust and mutuality and someone I actually want to touch and hold unless I do the whole package deal including sex.

I'm scared of people. I'm scared of myself, of what I might do to try to 'earn' or 'get' love when I feel so lonely and vulnerable and unwanted as I am.





***END TRIGS***



I think I really just needed somewhere safe to say that. I think I can let that process for a while and I'll be okay with not knowing the answers for now.

Love,
Holly

[roseleaf]

.

[Spidey]

I ask to go do other stuff because when they play [song] it brings back body memories and it makes me want to scream and throw up

[roseleaf]

I still want to die. I can't imagine that ever changing.

[Alexander]

Seven for a secret, never to be told…










***TRIGGERS: SU***










I want to write it, I've written and deleted it. I'm so scared of the consequences of writing it because it's got Plan-like elements and I know that might be Bad to Read but it's getting more intense and elaborate.

But I'm so sick of living like this, for so many years, unable to support myself, watching my savings dwindle and selling everything off. If I don't get disability income at my SSDI hearing August 23rd I want to:

order hair bleach and a lightish turquoise color
chop off all my hair and bleach and dye it
pack my ukulele and favorite clothes and computer and fire hoop and ashes of my husband and dog and drive cross-country
stop off in New Orleans and stay in a hotel and see the French Quarter at night and hula hoop in the Lafayette #1 cemetary
fire hoop (without permission) in abandoned spaces throughout middle USA
see Austin Texas
arrive at L.A. and go watch the sun set on the ocean (possibly several times in different places—longest running show in L.A.!)
get on a plane and return to Hawaii, land of my birth
hula hoop and ukulele on the beach
fire hoop
go see Molokai
see the pineapple hedge maze if it's still there
buy a lei (can't decide, plumeria or orchid, probably orchid)

find a secluded forest away from civilization
record a video or write a post or both
take the ashes and my ukulele and my favorite book, a pillow and blanket and water and the meds I've hoarded
hike into the forest
spread the ashes of those who loved me exactly as I am around me in a ring
play the right songs
take all the meds
curl up with my book
go to sleep in the warm and never ever wake up


I don't want to half-life anymore, in fear and deprivation, unable to trust and love anyone because of the poverty and disability, to have to fight and never feel respected or human among others, and never be able to support myself or ever have a dog again. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of this life and I don't want to go through it longer.

And what if I do get benefits and they aren't enough to give me a life that's any better, or get me out of this fucking shitting pissing hellhole of hell I've been trapped in for two and a half years?

I hate it here I hate it here I hate it here I hate it here

I hate how people treat me

I want out.
I WANT OUT.

I wish there were better choices than this elaborate Last Holiday but how am I supposed to live in a world that has denied me the things I need to? Denied I even deserve to live?

It's not voices in my head or even outside my head that say I don't deserve to live. It's not even any one person. It's society, it's culture, it's systems and faceless government bureaucracies against which my voice and vote make no fucking difference at all, like a disinterested god stomping on the creatures in its care like unseen ants.

It doesn't matter how many people care and 'selfishly' want me to stay, that doesn't pay the bills. The strength of my character, determination, even anger do not pay the bills. Nothing pays the bills.

I WANT OUT.

Seven for a secret, never to be told.








***END TRIGS***

[desperateforgrace]

I really wish you treated me better, because I really like you and I don't know why.

[disastercake]

I'm really headed in a bad direction but it's fulfilling needs and parts of me that have been empty and hurt for so long.

[Akor]

By I'm fine, I mean this time it's really bad. And it scares even me

[StarChild]

I'm a witch.

No, I'm not joking.

Yes, it's a real thing.

I just wish you could understand that my path shifts a lot, it always has, and I'm growing spiritually in a way I never imagined I would. This is where I find my God(dess).

I wish I could tell you.

But I can't.

[StarChild]

I was confused years ago. I know who I am now.

I just feel like I've blown it on y'all trusting me in my identity.

I need to change some things to be comfortable in myself and I'm scared of how you will react.

At least I can be "out" online.

[StarChild]

I still hate you.

[Spidey]

I have come to hate being gay, all over again.

[Snezhana]

I'm the worst mother ever and my kids would be better off without me.

[Eisa]

I'm so tired of you treating me this way. Can you stop being gross for five minutes, or is that completely beyond you? It just makes me realize how massive a bullet I dodged when you broke up with me.

[TheRockingHorse]

Nothing makes me happy. Nothing makes any of this okay. Nothing makes me okay. Maybe there will always just be nothing. And I don't think I can live with nothing for the rest of my life.

[TheRockingHorse]

I'm lying

[noldo]

It kinda scared me how sick I am of the life I'm living and what my thoughts are and what I would risk just to feel 'better' again or at least to get some breathing space. Torn between fighting and giving in and I don't know what to do...