Things Left Unsaid *LA* v. 6

[desperateforgrace]

Please, PLEASE get out of my mind and heart! You are taking up so many spoons, that I don't have any left for the ones that really care about and love me most. And, NO I DON'T HAVE ANY MORE SPOONS FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!! Just. leave.

[Spidey]

SHUT THE FUCK. UP. already. You are threatening to make an already annoying and bad situation worse.

[StarChild]

You still own my life. I live in fear of you. I saw you up the street yesterday. I turned around and headed home. I had a panic attack on the way home and another that night. I may be overcaffeinated but I'm not stupid. Part of this is your fault.

I hate you and sometimes I wish I could just slap you across the face for all you've done to me.

[disastercake]

I want to call you so bad but I'm trying not to. It's probably self-destructive. If you'd just be fucking straight with me on how you feel and where this is headed, if anywhere, I could get a handle on my feelings. Just friends? Great! Dating? Okay! I have no idea how often you thing of me but I think about you all the fucking time and now that I know there's attraction from you it's even stronger. I'm going from being blissful to overthinking and stressed about what I"m getting myself into. Just tell me please!

[StarChild]

I'm so sorry I fell in love with you.

[desperateforgrace]

You SAID you would be here today, but you lied to everyone. If you are never coming back please say so and don' t leave everyone in limbo. It's not fair to anyone involved. I'm sorry; I can't forget how much you hurt me before and how much you are hurting me now. As of right now, we are done. Absolutely done! I don't want to ever see you or talk to you again. Just go the fuck away, including from my mind, please because you're killing me emotionally...and I can' t do this with you anymore!

[StarChild]

I miss you. I didn't even like you but I miss you.

[StarChild]

STOP.

DOUBTING.

ME.

I am stronger than you realize and just because I'm depressed doesn't mean I'm going to freakin' spontaneously combust.

STOP.

HAVING.

SO LITTLE.

FAITH.

IN ME.

[StarChild]

I saw you at the metro today. I miss you. You looked so beautiful. I think you've lost weight, you look great regardless. You were so pretty there in your purple coat. I wish things could have worked out.

My friends say I deserve better but you were the best I've ever had.

[Spidey]

i miss my grey man

[StarChild]

You saved my life and I don't even know who you are. Strangers, nurses, doctors, techs. That awful day, so many people worked together to save me. I didn't want, back then, to be saved.

But today I wish I could track you all down, and thank you, and tell you that I'm still alive, and while I still struggle, I am doing better than I have in my entire life.

I literally owe you my life and I wish I could tell you how much that means to me.

xx Jaymes

[desperateforgrace]

Thank you so much for taking the time to tell me how much you appreciated my work. That means the world to me. Know also that you have NEVER ever offended me by not appreciating me or talking down to me. You have almost always been kind and gracious to me. You may not be THE favorite manager, but you are certainly up there with the best. I just wish he would do what you have done today, but God knows he probably never will. And that's fine, because you have reminded me how a healthy work relationship looks and feels like and for that I will be eternally grateful for you!

[Alexander]

I had to sign a piece of paper so they would not take me in the ambulance after the wreck in which I was a passenger and performed CPR on my abusive incestuous father until the paramedics arrived.

I still got a $300 bill from the hospital for the ambulance I did NOT go in, for care I refused and did not receive.

After my husband died people still came after me for hospital bills for the places he died in, and it wasn't until legal intervention that they backed off, legal intervention I couldn't afford now.

I paid hundreds of dollars for one of the worst half-hours of my life, where I brought my dog to the vet school hospital and they had to euthanize her in my arms. Hundreds of dollars for half an hour. No mercy.

So when you tell me that I can use emergency services, that I can go to a hospital and tell people and sign forms stating I have no money or income or insurance and I'm on state-funded IPRS and the hospitals will not and CANNOT under any circumstances charge me for anything and demand I pay with money I don't have, it makes TOTAL FUCKING SENSE THAT I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.

People tell me all the time I won't be charged, assure me repeatedly, but I get charged anyway, and it's not the liars who pay the price, it's me.

I reserve the right to disbelieve people who suffer no consequences if what they are saying turns out to be wrong, wrong, wrong, whether they work for social services, the hospital or its financial services. Only people with money and income and backup plans and supportive family think money isn't important when one's health is at risk. Because if I have creditors harassing and stalking me and trying to repossess the car I own and/or can't afford gas for my car to go use food stamps and starve slowly to death stranded in the woods, I'm the only one who pays. And no one seems to get that and I'm tired.

[desperateforgrace]

I'm tired. I'm so sick of trying to work things out with you, bending over fucking backwards to be nice to you, and trying my best every day, and your "thanks" is to yell at me, ignore me, lie to me, and cut my hours?! Other people I know appreciate me already even if they never told me. I am ABSOLUTELY DONE with you! If I could, I would never ever talk to or see you again! The problem is I love the other people there who actually GIVE A CARE about me, and I to them, and I still would like my job. Why the heck am I still tethered to you like a fucking puppet on a string? I HATE YOU! I don't know. I don't think I could survive one more WEEK with you, much less a WHOLE FUCKING YEAR!

[desperateforgrace]

What the fuck is WRONG with you? Just when I think you're nice, you show your real self. It's now not enough to screw me over, but also my very good friends! You need serious help immediately. You criticize someone I know for "talking down to people," and "being a bully," when I think she has been nothing but kind. Why the heck don't you look IN THE FUCKING MIRROR sometimes, dude? You ain't privy to criticizing others for shit you do yourself.

[Spidey]

if you told me to i would

[Alexander]

I never pretended to know what was best for you.

Good fucking gods. I never trampled on your life and told you what to do. I never assumed what you needed or wanted, you privileged pansy. I never assumed your problems could be solved by pretending they weren’t there to someone else.

When I said, “I won’t date because I’m disabled and homeless,” that can’t be fixed by your idea of lying to other people so they can pick up the check—I’m in danger from them. You absolute idiot. And when did I ever say I WANTED to date? When did I ever say I wanted that? You rushed to assume without even asking, while interrupting me, without it even being the subject, at the merest mention that I had a late husband, that I needed a Man Replacement. What the actual fuck?

And then when I dare say, “I would appreciate you asking permission before giving me advice and please don’t raise the issue of my late husband again, he saved me from my abusive family and is someone very special and not someone I’m willing to discuss with you,” you sent a “I need to heal on my own now” text. No apology. No acknowledgement. Nothing. It’s all about you. You you you. Because oh poor you, someone set a boundary with you, someone said no to you, someone had a problem with something you said or did.

I get that you were raised with abusive and enmeshed parents, but that doesn’t excuse or forgive it. I have the right to be angry for how you responded to me taking enormous effort to swallow a great deal of hurt at how you curb-stomped my very real feelings of having the one person who loved and rescued me and went to the mats for me, a widowhood you can’t hope to undersand, in order to use I-statements and make a respectful request of you, only to receive an extremely cold, rude, self-centered response from you.

You are too young. If you’re lucky, and I doubt it, someday you’ll grow up and you’ll realize what a dipshit thing you did, most likely because someone does it to you. At that point it will probably be far too little and far too late because I’ll have moved on and grown with people who could be there when I needed them, and moved on with me. Get it? I won’t be here for remedial classes on how to be less of a douchecanoe.

It's like that erroneous philosophical conundrum that a tortoise can outrun an arrow because by the time the arrow reaches where the arrow was the tortoise has moved on… except IRL that doesn't work. In real life, the last bus to Clueville left seventeen years ago. I know because it takes more than both hands to count the number of times I have gotten letters, texts, notes, voicemails, and phone calls, from people saying, "I'm so sorry for everything, I had no idea, you were right. Can ______?" Hint: the answer is always no, because I'm always in motion and therefore miles and miles ahead of where they have at last arrived and wondering why in the hell I waited around for them.

The real, sad, horrible, soppy, wet, soggy truth is because of how sorry I feel for my inner abandoned child, how I wish I could rescue her, and project her onto these more-than-clueless proxies. I don't even know if they are fair comparisons. I need to stop adopting emotional orphans. I inherited an out-of-tune Ovation acoustic six-string. That should count for something, or at least distract me.

GET ME OUT OF HERE.

Love & clambakes,
Holly the harried.

[Alexander]

[sorry for the allcaps, this is a lifetime of frustration all in one eruption]

TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHAT COMES OUT OF YOUR FRAKKING MOUTH OR SHUT THE FRAK UP. FOR FRAK'S SAKE STOP FRAKKING SAYING 'THEY' EVERY TIME I CONFRONT YOU WITH WORDS YOU ACTUALLY UP AND SAID TO ME JUST FIVE MINUTES AGO.

FOR ONCE IN YOUR GODSDAMN LIFE DON'T AUTOMATICALLY TAKE THE SIDE OF WHOEVER IT WAS WHO HURT YOUR ONLY CHILD. YOU MOTHERFRAKKING PISS-POOR SHITTY EXCUSE FOR A MOTHER WHO THREW YOUR OWN CHILD UNDER YOUR ABUSIVE HUSBAND TO GET SOME RELIEF FROM HIS ABUSE OF YOU. EVERY ANIMAL IN THE KINGDOM HAS MORE MATERNAL INSTINCT THAN YOU, YOU PIECE OF GARBAGE, BUT NO, YOU ACTUALLY ENJOY TAKING THE SIDE OF EVERY RAPIST AND ABUSER WHO HAS EVER HURT YOUR LITTLE GIRL AND MAKING EXCUSES FOR THEM AND BLAMING ME FOR EVERYTHING EVERYONE EVER DID TO ME WHILE YOU STOOD BY AND WATCHED AND SOMETIMES EVEN HELPED AND CHEERED THEM ON.

I DON'T EVER OWE YOU ANY EXPLANATION AS TO WHY I DON'T LIKE SOMEONE WHO HURT ME. I DO NOT HAVE TO PROVE TO YOU LIKE SOME MOTHERFRAKKING COURT THE EVIDENCE OF SOMEONE HURTING ME, NOR DO I HAVE TO FORGIVE THEM FOR WHATEVER FLIMSY EXCUSE YOU DECIDE ABSOLVES THEM OF ALL RESPONSIBILITY FOR HURTING ME.

ONE WOULD THINK YOUR ENTIRE GOAL IN LIFE IS TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE EVER ALLOWED TO CLAIM 'OUCH' AND IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU.

ALL THAT CRAP YOU WENT ON ABOUT HOW YOUR HUSAND WAS THE BIGGEST NARCISSIST AND IT WAS ALWAYS ALL ABOUT HIM? IF I EVER GET OUT OF HERE, ONE WAY OR ANOTHER, I'M BUYING YOU A CRUCIFIX SO YOU CAN JUST GO AHEAD AND NAIL YOURSELF TO IT AND GET IT OVER WITH, YOU BLOODSUCKING SOUL-KILLING PISS-POOR EXCUSE FOR AN ABUSIVE MOTHER WHO LOVES NOTHING MORE THAN TO SHAME YOUR OWN DAUGHTER AND SIC ABUSERS ON HER AND THEN BLAME HER FOR EVERYTHING BAD THAT OTHER PEOPLE EVER DO TO HER, AND NEVER EVER EVER TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANYTHING YOU EVER DO TO HER.

THERE IS NO AMOUNT OF SUFFERING YOU COULD EVER EXPERIENCE IN THIS LIFE OR AFTER THAT COULD EVER MAKE UP FOR WHAT YOU DID TO ME, AND WHAT I HAD TO SWALLOW JUST TO SURVIVE, LOCKED UP IN THAT HOUSE WITH YOU WHILE YOU LOOKED ON ME WITH UNDISGUISED CONTEMPT FOR DECADES, AND BAITED TRAPS FOR ME WITH SUPPOSED LOVE AND THEN TREATED ME LIKE FRAKKING SHIT WHEN I WOULD FALL FOR IT EVERY TIME.

I WISH I COULD RECORD EVERYTHING YOU EVER SAID TO ME, BUT I KNOW IT WOULDN'T MAKE A DAMN BIT OF DIFFERENCE. I HOPE YOUR DEATH IS PAINFUL AND SLOW, BUT IT COULD NEVER COMPARE TO THE PAIN YOU PUT ME THROUGH.

HOW DARE YOU BRING ME INTO THIS WORLD AND MAKE ME RESPONSIBLE FOR TAKING CARE OF YOU EMOTIONALLY AND BEING YOUR 'BEST FRIEND' WHILE TREATING ME LIKE YOUR HUMAN AND SEXUAL SHIELD FROM YOUR ABUSER. I HOPE FIRE ANTS INFEST YOUR REPRODUCTIVE ORGANS.

~Holly

[Spidey]

I love you.

[Spidey]

I am locking this topic and changing the topic name for Things Left Unsaid v7