Things Left Unsaid *LA* v. 6

[desperateforgrace]

*RELS triggs*

D,
I was so scared of and angry at you today, I honestly I didn't want to talk to or see you. I don't know how I was able to pray for you nice things before work today, but I did. But as God would have it, I was almost forced to talk to you and face you. You not only helped me with a customer, but you also mentioned me in a nice way to that customer. That act of kindness washed away all the anger, hurt and resentment I had felt about you in a matter of seconds, and for that I want to thank you and God. I am so so sorry for all the mean things I said to you on here, even though you aren't a member of BUS and you probably haven't even heard of this website. I deleted some of them because I didn't want to hurt you anymore. Yes, what you did before today was mean, but I forgive you. And I hope you will forgive me too. And not fire me or reduce my hours.

[Spidey]

I find myself missing you terribly and I'm having a hard time getting past it. No matter how much I deny it I still do love you and I think I always will, because there is just a part of me that can't really let go.

Watching the CL final when Sergio Ramos scored made me think of you and it made my heart ache, a bit, knowing that you have moved on and are now with someone else. I've moved on too, but sometimes...I want to look back.

I showed your text messages and some of your messages to * because I didn't know how to make sense of them. I didnt know what to do or think about them and * said that you viewed me as an insurance policy and thought that I would come back no matter what, and that I deserve better.

I've never had anyone tell me that before, really. Well I have but...you know...I never took heed of it. That's why I'm glad that I did what I did, that I decided to go 0 contact and pretty much remove you from my life.

Too bad I can't, from my heart. I want to go back. I want to reach out to you and tell you I love you and call you a particular name again and talk with you and yes you can play as BVB but I fucking miss you, I still love you, I am not over this and I am not over you. You hold a peice of me that no one else can or will. Oh God, this hurts, and I know with six finger taps (trust me I have counted), I could come back.

Not one day goes by...

It should have been different. It should have been us together.

I know though...you hurt me and what you did was wrong...

But not one day goes by...

I love you

[desperateforgrace]

*RELS triggs* I know you probably don't like me for whatever reason, but it's not OK to treat me like a piece of shit while you treat everyone else like royalty. It's not OK to leave me to do all the return carts and everything, while other people do special projects for you. You never talk to me about anything other than work. You never even asked me about my vacation, while you talk to other people in the department about their lives, and that hurts......Because I have prayed for you and care about you every fucking day, and you can't even care about me half that much. If you want me to really respect you and love you you have to be on MY team. You have to be my ally. You have to deeply care about each person (not just me, that would be creepy) that you encounter on a daily basis and you have to be just and respectable. You can't be arrogant and brag about how everyone likes you and you are so fucking great with everyone. Because you're not. And even if you are/were, nice people don't brag about how nice they are. I'm sorry, but arrogance is a HUGE turn-off for me, and the more arrogant one is, the less I like and respect them as a person, no matter who the heck they are!

[Alexander]

****TRIGGERS should anyone be reading this: SA, RA, language obviously***








It's Father's Day.

A wasp stung me while I was trying so hard to take care of myself, interfering and getting in my way. It reminded me of you.

I am so glad you're dead, you abusive, controlling, sick, twisted, brainwashing, lying daughterfucker. You can't hurt me anymore and I don't have to keep the truth about you a secret for fear of what you liked to do to me whenever I didn't gratify your ego or your body.

My wish this Father's Day is that some day I get out of here, out of your shadow, independent and away from my complicit mother's influence so I can tell the whole horrifying ugly truth about you, for my own healing, for the redemption and rescue of the little girl you had in order to use and be your toy and ego-prop and dumping ground for whatever disgusting shit or semen you wanted to fill me up with.

I sob in rage when I watch movies and some girl's father intimidates or threatens her date, or goes after someone who hurt his little girl. You should have been that. You didn't even protect me from your own sick needs. You took a beautiful girl and hid her away from the rest of the world and declaimed so loudly how much you loved me and I loved you so I couldn't even be heard, and so no one would ever notice how I shrank away.

I'm so fucking glad you're dead. If I believed in an afterlife or reincarnation like you brainwashed me with I'd wish you suffering the hells you put me through. As it is I'm glad I overcame that programming, and believe with my whole heart I'll never have to put up with your ghost or meeting you in some other life.

You bully. You bastard. You abusive fuckhead. You liar, you cheat, you manipulative torturer. You verbally-pressing domineering tyrant, I will not be silenced by you anymore. You morbidly obese force-feeder, my self-control re: food is bolstered by a sense of vengeful satisfaction that you did not conquer me and succeed in choking down my unwelcome expressions with all that fucking food.

I hate that you left me this legacy of pain, trauma, distrust, and alcoholism, all these messes I have to clean up. But I believe in my heart I am a better person now than you ever were in all your life. Because I didn't take what you did to me out on anyone else, especially a fucking beautiful, smiling, imaginative, smart, innocent little girl who only wanted to be loved. The fact that you never knew how to love is a tragedy, but not one I have to share, because I let myself learn from my dead husband, and you NEVER did.

You were wrong. You were wrong, wrong, wrong. Even when you had hold of some truth you twisted it into some lie to use to manipulate and control me and take from me anything and everything I enjoyed.

The accident you never remembered, where you died behind the wheel of the car we were in and nearly killed me, I'll never forget.

If I could give you one thing for Father's Day, I would give you back all the pains you ever gave to me. You can have all of them back. No interest, no threefold return, no malice. Just have back, as I release to you, all the pain, fear, anger, silence, humiliation, imprisonment, torture, hypnosis, brainwashing, invalidating, manipulation, paranoia, poor relationship skills, bad boundaries, failure of protection, neglect, lies, lack of safety and financial security, warped views of reality, blame, shame, responsibility I should in no way have been tasked with, especially for taking care of your emotional and sexual needs, and all the things I don't have words for.

This I return to you along with the balance of everything positive you ever gave me (usually accidental) so you can know exactly how all that felt too. The sucking me back in. The love bombing. The consolation prizes that would never, ever make up for all the rest. I give to you, for Father's Day, how it felt to be your daughter every day of my life.

Well I have tried to be meek
And I have tried to be mild
But I spat like a woman
And sulked like a child
I have lived behind walls
That have made me alone
Striven for peace
Which I have never known
And I can still hear his laughter
And I can still hear his song
The man's too big
The man's too strong
—'The Man's Too Strong,' Dire Straits

You aren't strong anymore. Your strength was all illusion, and your regime is over. Now is the time of the Holly. Now it is time for me to shine, clear of the gravity well of your black hole that kept sucking up my light and never filling. My blood is all mine, none for you to feed on. My body is all mine, none for you to take from. I will discover all the things you made me do and choose to do what I want to do from now on, to the best of my ability.

Goodbye, good riddance, daughterfucker. The world is a better place without you in it. I can breathe easier and don't have to spend so much of my godsdamn energy protecting myself from your bullshit.

I deserved a better father, and you know what? I made up an imaginary one. I made him Jim Henson, because even though I never met him he was a better father to me than you ever were. You are henceforth disowned as my father, and I have chosen my imaginary Jim Henson to be my daddy, and get all my love that you never deserved.







***END TRIGS***

[Akor]

Ive started to SH again

[Spidey]

SMOKE YOU DICK

I MISS YOU

[slothlover]

Why did you have to fucking die? I miss you so much. I loved you and I would've loved you forever. I would've left my then fiance for you. I was so ready to. You were the only one who understood me and I felt so close to you that it hurt. I miss you. I miss you so much and I still cry about your accident.

[PokemonGeek]

I know that I said that I'd never bother you again and I truly meant it. But I also want you to know if you ever wanted to talk to me again, I'd let you. I always knew that you would end up hating me just like everyone else who said that they cared about me or liked me aside from family. It just hurts. I don't ask for much when it comes to wanting somebody to love me. All I ever want is for them to love every part of me and understand that I have several issues which I'm trying so hard to work with and live life as normally as I can, and that my mind works differently than everyone else's and that I need someone who is patient with me. And that you will always be there for me. My only criteria for guys that want to be with me are that they can't be doing drugs, be abusive towards me in any shape or form, and that they can't be alcoholics. That's not asking for much but I should stop fooling myself into believing that someone would ever want me. I thought you were that person but I was wrong. I'm sorry I ever came into your life. Good bye forever.

[Akor]

Fuck everything then

[Spidey]

I want to let you in. I wish I COULD let you in. I wish it were possible, but I...I can't. Too many what ifs.

I like you, a lot, but I shut this part of my heart off for a reason, a damned good one, and I don't know if I can take turning it back on.

But what the fuck, you DO THINGS to my heart and my head. And I cant think.

What the FUCK IS MY PROBLEM. I NEED TO NOT DO THID. So I am leaving because this is too much and I need to pull my head out of my ass.

[treasure]

i forget sometimes that you have depression as well, you often seem to have so much energy and you've said before the meds have helped a huge amount. it feels strange that you don't have energy right now, that you aren't zipping around the house doing the things you planned - cooking, tidying etc. i keep having the urge to nag or ask what you are doing. sorry. also i'm sorry for letting my own lack of energy translate into not helping out that much. i do the minimum, i keep things mostly clean, but i could do more.

[Akor]

It's no problem really, tka e everytbing, I still have the rage, at least that never goes

[disastercake]

You're not meeting any of my needs. You bring nothing to the table. If you loved me you would either actually try or let me go.

[desperateforgrace]

I never thought I'd say this, but I miss you...so much. At the same time, I'm so upset that you never cared enough to say "Goodbye" to us. I have so many regrets about how everything worked out. Like I wish I had taken more time to get to know you better. I wish I wasn't so uncomfortable with talking to you, and we treated each other better---you and me both. If I could do it over, I'd tell you how much I appreciated you even if you did piss me off sometimes. And if you are never really coming back again, then please. just. leave. because I don't want the painful memories to keep flooding my mind anymore.

[disastercake]

You said you were different, you're not. It was all about what you could get out of it. You didn't really want to know me, just what I might be able to do for you. Disgusting and you should be ashamed like your exes told you. I really tried to get to know you, even the dark messy corners, and to understand but there is no level of understanding that makes up for your behavior or lack thereof. Just don't talk to me.

[Curiousclementine]

self harm trigs, suicide trigs.



I self harmed again and ultimately it was over something stupid. I think really it was a stand in for wanting to die. I can't tell how badly I need help. Are you a safe person let into my current situation or will you shun me?

[Alexander]

I just want someone I can count on who will always be on my side, someone I can talk to when my feelings get hurt who won't take the other person's side, who will reassure me that I'm loved and my feelings are respected and important.

I want someone I can tell the truth about what happened and why I was gone for one and a half years who won't dismiss or invalidate my feelings, treat me with condescension or gaslighting, make excuses for the people who hurt me not just with words but with irrevocable actions.

I want someone I can tell the truth about what's happening right now, who can sit beside me and hold my hand while I open and read the thing I can't bear to open and read, for fear it's just going to be salty lemonade on my open rawness and push me to even further excesses of self-harm than I am already doing.

I want someone always in my corner, always on my side. Godsdamn it, D, when you died you took away the only person who ever loved me no matter what, who UNDERSTOOD my feelings and cherished my sensitivity because of what it meant for you, how I was able to love and be sensitive to you, instead of treating it like a nuisance or character flaw or evidence I should be infantilized and have agency and power taken away from me when I commit the crime of emotion.

Why is it okay when other people get angry when people hurt their feelings, but not me? Why are my feelings judged more harshly than anyone else's? Why am I pressured and dogpiled on when I'm upset with someone? I'd be so much less upset with people if I were ALLOWED to get upset at people, and that wasn't treated like some kind of shameful failure on my part to be an intelligent human being worthy of respect. I should have a right to get angry when people hurt me! I should have a right to get angry! Why do other people have that right and I don't when it's at a specific person who fucking 'means well'? If you didn't mean to step on my foot, you still stepped on my foot, you still need to get off it, and watch where you step in the future, and I should be allowed to eject you from my house if you don't stop, and yell back if you yell at me for saying, "That hurts, get off my foot!" As if it's more of a crime to tell you 'no' or 'stop' than to do whatever it is I don't want you doing to me.

Argh argh argh argh argh. I have feelings. I have lots of feelings. I wish people cared about my feelings, and I don't mean just saying they care, or caring but conditional on those feelings never being something that they are stepping on and need to get off. Or their friends.

I don't do well with people. I hate these situations. I hate confronting someone privately who has already displayed an insensitivity to my feelings, it's like handing them a knife and exposing my soft underbelly -- no one will hear or see what you do, right? People do awful shit in private because they feel there will be no consequences to them, period, that I won't ever reveal what they do, that no one will care or believe me if I do.

I hate people sometimes. I hate this whole thing. And it happens so much and I'm so sick of it. I especially hate that people act all mystified when I try to talk about this, how many times talking about a problem I have with someone, using all my assertiveness and I-statements, just makes things worse, and sometimes when I set boundaries and say no other people get nasty. As if what I'm talking about only ever happens to me.

I'm so tired of this life.

[Spidey]

[redacted]

[StarChild]

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I was manic and also a jerk. I wish I could find you now and apologize properly. It's an amends I may never get to make.

I hope you're alive and well.

[disastercake]

You've done so well being nice and trying harder and I feel like I'm just a failure still being crabby and short-fused and mopey. I really should be trying to do better but I'm just so exhausted. I'm worried that you waited too long to do better and I have already given up.