Things Left Unsaid *LA* v. 6

[bearcat]

You changed my life. I think I've changed yours too. But you can't handle that.

There's room here for your thoughts, feelings, needs. You're good enough here, and I see that you have a lot to offer. You can do things for me. I want to do things for you.

Right now I can give you what you need by being there. But how to create more space, more time?

I'm bad at inviting people in. You complain about that in various ways. Like isn't x good enough for me? I need to be a person that it is attractive and safe to be close to the majority of the time.

You act like you don't need it and don't want it, because you don't want to get taken advantage of. “I know deep inside that he wants me to love him, and if I act like it’s no big deal, he even lets me indulge him in the things I know he needs. But he will never tell me that he appreciates it."

Not needing is your cover, your safety. When did you start to feel so unloveable?

[Spidey]

The way you behaved today shows just how much things need to change around here.

[treasure]

i don't want to know that your mother died, it does not make your offer of work more appealing! it just makes you seem as much of a psycho as you were when i was working for you. i wish you could see how immature, unprofessional and clearly-on-some-diagnostic-list your behaviour is. i'm afraid of you, most of which is because of my own past, but at least some of which is realistic - you act eratically and are highly judgemental - you are not a safe person. go away and leave me alone, please, i never ever want to see you or hear from you again.

[bearcat]

It pisses me off that you said I shouldn't take it on myself, and then you say that "relationships should add something to your life"

You created conditions that made everything far harder than it needed to be for me.

And don't tell me that you would have been okay if I was okay- you have never mastered your ambivalence in a relationship. You said you always want to pull away eventually.

The only person who would picture having a relationship where the other person is very busy is an avoidant. Yes there are practicalities, but why would not seeing the person, not being depended on be the first thing you think of?

I get that you want someone to be happy and swimming mid-stream in their own life, and I think that's important too.

You're just as broken as I am, if not more. This is not my fault, and you rejected me because of your stuff, not for any of these other trite conclusions that you've drawn since then. But you still love and still want me.

[Kaleb]

Heard "our song" while I was out with my fiancé and our daughter today amazing how once it used to make me smile and feel so safe and now it just makes me angry and feel sick you disgust me

[sojourner_steph]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. To the whole world - I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I exist. I'm sorry that I'm not normal. I'm sorry that I make mistakes in social situations. It makes me feel like I would prefer to not exist. I feel like I'm like poison. . . . and like everyone must know that I'm stupid except for me. I want to shout it to everyone - I'm sorry for making a social mistake today. I should have known better. I shouldn't have been so stupid. I'm sorry to my classmates that you've had to put up with me in class. I'm sorry that I ask stupid questions. I'm sorry that I talk and sound stupid. I'm sorry that you've had to be in the same room as me. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that I exist.

[childofchaos831]

i wish these stupid urges would just go away. i wish i could just get more than a week away from it. im afraid i may have to give up my tools to be able to and i dont want to do that. im scared to do that. why am i unable to just stop? why does it have to be so hard? its just a behavior. its not like there is a physical addiction to it. even tho i do see it as an addiction. its not physical, its mental. so i should be able to just get over it... thats what my brain is telling me. why cant i?

[Spidey]

please don't make me sell my car

i still have smoke's footprints on my dashboard

[bearcat]

You can't see things from my perspective- how it might feel to be confronted with you acting as a "we" and having a good time, and how it might feel to be judged for my choices. I have no idea what to think about it... maybe you did sincerely feel that I was an inconvenience.

You act like I'm supposed to know you love me and know that we have trust, but you've never said it.

By exceptionalizing what I do, you set your behaviour above mine- but not just yours, you and the other two with whom you have this instant family. Especially with T. and this cooking all the time and going for errands and all the rest. You don't think about how it feels to be me.

I'm left out. And it hurts.

[Spidey]

I don't expect you to hear me, or actually LISTEN to me. I'm long past that. Whatever makes you look like you're "solving the problem" and "listening". I'll get my ass kicked for my honesty, I usually do.

[Annybelly]

I need you to notice me and notice I'm not okay because I can't tell you right now but I need you to know.

[Spidey]

Even with your flair for the dramatic (seriously...that hashtag, yo), I don't envy the spot you are in. I actually feel really awful for you, because no person should have to deal with that kind of an issue.

You're really lucky, though. Very. I went through the same thing that [Person] is and when it was reported, it went horribly. I still am shy of telling anyone certain things relating to that, because of *just how horrible* the reaction and the ensuing years after, were. I am also, still angry, and it has been well over a decade.

I want to tell you how lucky Person is, and by extension you, because Person and therefore yourself are going to be spared some truly hellish experiences.

[Mustard Seed]

This is a really shitty thing to ever say to anyone, but to save you a lot of pain I must: you're not strong enough to save me.

[desperateforgrace]

People IRL ask: Why didn't you tell us how badly you felt?
My reply: (partly quoted from Ruth Fargo in Murder She Wrote-The Murder in the Electrical Cathedral from Season 2)- I did in a hundred little ways, but you were too busy to hear.

[Spidey]

I'm sorry.

--

A million young poets
Screamin' out their words
To a world full of people
Just livin' to be heard
Future generations
Ridin' on the highways that we built
I hope they have a better understanding

Check it out
Goin' to work on Monday
Check it out
Got yourself a family
Check it out
All utility bills have been paid
You can't tell your best buddy that you love him
So check it out
Where does our time go
Check it out
Got a brand new house in escrow
Check it out
Sleepin' with your back to your loved one
This is all that we've learned about happiness

Check it out
Forgot to say hello to my neighbors
Check it out
Sometimes I question my own behavior
Check it out
Talkin' about the girls that we've seen on the sly
Just to tell our souls we're still the young lions
So check it out
Gettin' too drunk on Saturdays
Check it out
Playin' football with the kids on Sundays
Check it out
Soarin' with the eagles all week long
And this is all that we've learned about living
This is all that we've learned about living

A million young poets
Screamin' out their words
Maybe someday
Those words will be heard
By future generations
Ridin' on the highways that we built
Maybe they'll have a better understanding
Check it out
Hope they'll have a better understanding
Check it out
Maybe they'll have a better understanding
Check it out
Maybe they'll have a better understanding
Check it out
Hope they have a better understanding
Check it out
[john cougar mellencamp - check it out]

[Spidey]

I am at the point where I no longer give a fuck, and I mean it. I really, seriously, could give 0 fucks right now about this place and it's bullshit.

I am fixing to leave. Yes, you heard it here first, I am fixing to leave this bullshit behind and hey Mum, I don't give a fuck how much it pisses you or C off! I don't care - I don't need your permission to make a decision and this one (unlike all others) is not up for negotiation.

If you want me to reinstate my fucks (little chance of that happening, tbh) given, several SIGNIFICSNT changes need to be made. And they are:

1) Important, MISSION CRITICAL things need to be listened to. Not simplistic or stupid shit, but things that have an actual *impact* on how certain things go and get done.

2) You cannot ignore a certain and very significant request I made. It is not negotiable, as much as I would like it to be.

3) Cut the fucking bullshit, overall.

But I am done. So done. So so so so so so done. I am done with this bullshit and I have no fucks to give and I am goddamn done with you.

[Alexander]

Your words and how you treated me hurt me so much and for so long. I cried and drank so much as a result of how you treated me, especially that last day.

What you said to me about suicide was unforgivable. I will never, EVER forgive you for that. EVER.

You hurt me so much. You sent me into such a dark place. I was there for you. I listened. I validated your challenges. I didn't judge. All I wanted from you was respect and consideration for my struggles. I wanted you to treat me like an adult. And when I told you to stop, I wanted you to stop. You failed the litmus test. You flipped out when I set a boundary with you. If only you had just taken it in stride, like I did with your boundaries when I encountered them.

I hated being held hostage to your paranoia. It will never be okay with me, how controlling you got. I get that you're unhappy about the dementia, but that does not make it okay to control what I do and how I do it and go through my mail and trash, for fuck's sake. That's what my abusive MOTHER does.

Your treatment of me was not fair. If we're ever going to be friends again you have a lot of work to do. You need to pick up the slack, I'm tired of carrying all the emotional burdens in this friendship, if it even is one anymore. Maybe it's not worth it to try to be friends with people of your generation, you're all the same -- condescending, overbearing, arrogant, pretending to know it all when in truth, when it comes to my life, you know NOTHING about what I go through, the choices I have to make, the struggles, the consequences. Up there in your ivory tower you can judge all day and be in denial about what you're doing, but you're only fooling yourself.

How dare you judge me?
How dare you?
I didn't want your thanks for all I did for you.
I wanted to be treated with respect.
I wanted you to be humble before my problems.
I wanted you to support me taking care of myself and watch what you say to me.
Generosity is giving what's hard. And you're not good at that.

Thanks for nothing.
I hate you.

[treasure]

Dr m, when i say i'm not coping with anything, why wouldn't you ask more questions? I know i didn't want to talk but if you'd asked i would have had somewhere to start. I feel so scared and alone.

[desperateforgrace]

[deleted]

[Alexander]

When I get hurt, I need one thing above all else. I need to know it's not going to happen again.

It's not okay to forget I'm disabled and poor. You need to make an effort, not an excuse. I can't do all the emotional work here. It's an effort for me. Check your privilege. If you enjoy my company, you need to make the effort to make it safe and enjoyable for me to be around. Right now NAMI can't be made safe for me. Not because of some flaw in me or something I just need to 'get over.' This is a problem that hasn't been resolved. As far as I'm concerned, I'm not coming back unless and until my support needs can be met there, and that means I need to not be the only one doing the work for that to happen.

It's not enough to just say the right things. I need people on my team. People who stand up for me. You can say you care until you're blue in the face, but generosity is giving what's hard. And until you stand up for me -- until you prove that you have my back and you're sensitive to the pain and terror I live with every day -- until you check your fucking privilege so I don't have to stand over you with a stick and through gritted teeth gently tell you when you're being insensitive -- AGAIN -- I won't believe you actually have the capacity to 'care' as a verb, only as a nice little intention in the little fantasy world in your head where I'm strong and just fine and an inspiration to everyone.

I'm sick of everyone getting the benefit of my friendship and making no damn effort. I'm sick of people apologizing and making excuses at the same time and then expecting me to get over it, like the whole mess was just that you needed to hear me. It's not enough. I'm learning that's not enough. I need change. When I get hurt, I need change. And that means an effort on the part of someone else. I've already made the effort and taken the risk and shouldered the burden of approaching you with the problem. You can either change your behavior, or I will change the relationship.

Because this is not okay. If you're going to be on Team Kassi that means standing up for me. That means never turning on me when I tell you I'm hurting. That means never, ever forgetting how hard it is for me, and how you have where I have not. That means actively making an effort to consider those things, and listen, and learn, and understand, and fucking REMEMBER. If you can remember my name and that I don't like to be touched, If you can remember that I know myself well and I'm strong and a survivor, you can remember that I'm poor and disabled and check your fucking privilege.

Just do it. Just do it so I don't have to deal with this anymore. I'm sick and tired of it. It makes every friendship sisyphean and I'm sick of this shit anyway.

Ugh. And there's nothing I can do and I hate feeling this powerless.