Starting over.... *SI*

[Liber_Vive]

So, I'm new here, and am still figuring out how to make myself more comfortable posting. I'm 26 years old, and have battled with SI for 12-13 years now. Without going into too much detail, things got pretty bad in high school, and I was rarely able to resist the urge to SI. When I was in college, I put myself in therapy and made a lot of progress on a number of issues. I had a relapse in 2012 after being clean for 3 years, and thought things were going well. I finished grad school last May, and took a job with a school system. I love my field, and love what the job can be, but this has been a hellish experience with the way things have worked at one of the schools in assigned to. Without going into too many work details,I've been extremely stressed can and began having repeated panic attacks after not having a single one for over a year. I relapsed a couple weeks ago again after being clean 2.5 years. It's been difficult to stop- some days I have success with distracting myself, but other times it's like I'm on autopilot and feel like it's the only way to make the panic stop. I finally brought myself to talk to a friend about it on Monday, and she's been supportive and reacted probably the best I could have hoped. I still haven't brought myself to talk about it with my husband, though I'm sure he's figured it out. Im just trying to figure out how to manage the stress again. I'm not sure if I can handle another year like this year has been at my job, but I have to decide by 4/24 if I'm renewing my contract or not. Im obviously not handling the stress well now, and the therapist I started seeing a couple weeks ago has encouraged me to think about my quality of life when making the decision. I feel like I've been living in a constant state of anxiety and panic for the past month, and it's like I've had to start over from the beginning to figure out how to combat the urge to cut or burn myself. I know all the things I can do, and I know what advice I can give others battling the same thing, but I'm struggling to apply these coping strategies when I'm in the moment.

I tend to ramble a bit when I need to get things out, and it helps to distract myself, I hope that's okay.

[swirlish]

Rambling is totally fine, I think we all do to some extent. If it helps to distract you, even better!

Welcome to bus by the way A suggestion is to post in the introduction thread on main, you might get more replies there - the coping forum is a bit slow these days, although I hope it will come alive again soon!

It sounds like you have some good coping strategies already, but you said it can be hard to apply them to yourself? Can you tell us a little more about what strategies work for you and what you find difficult, we might be able to brainstorm together on ways to implement them?

Again, welcome! (and make sure you get some hay for your cows, they're a welcome tradition on BUS )

[treasure]

do you think being able to sort out work stuff might lift some stress? there might be advocates like union reps, hr staff or local groups that can help you with that?

I know all the things I can do, and I know what advice I can give others battling the same thing, but I'm struggling to apply these coping strategies when I'm in the moment.

do you have a phone with you? you might want to set alerts for self-care and self-soothing activities. i'm actually using the app 'satify' a bit at the moment which has calming sounds or guided meditations you can do.
you can put sticky notes around commonly looked at areas, both at work and at home - a cryptic reminder if you want.

i have a planner at the moment that i write daily activities in, including positive mental health stuff.

also coming on bus often reminds me i can notice the forums like coping and before & after and it reminds me of some of the options i might have before si.

welcome to bus btw.

[Liber_Vive]

I wasn't sure if I wanted to come back and post or not...but I think it might be best. A lot has happened since April. I made the decision to leave my job, and submitted my resignation. I'm still trying to figure out what I'm doing for the coming school year. I'm waiting on the neighboring school system to post their jobs, they're just notoriously slow, but I've heard that they've been approved for positions. I finished work June 12, and have been trying to take time and do things for myself. I volunteered at a camp for a couple of weeks, which I had a blast at. I've also gone and spent some time just sitting on the beach a few different days (I live along the coast). I bought a new journal to start journaling again, to try to help process some things. My dad and younger brothers came to visit for a week, which was really, really good.... And then I left tuesday to visit a friend.

On the surface level, I'm coping a lot better. Sort of. My therapist has been really pleased with my progress, tells me I seem like a different person than I was 2 months ago.. but I've realized I'm not doing as well as I'd like to think. Some days I don't see the point in fighting the urge to SI. I went 7 weeks and 3 days without SI. And then Thursday rolled around.. I should preface this by saying I've realized over the past few months that I've been using alcohol as a replacement many days.. The first thing I'd do when I came home from work was make a really strong drink. And then I'd make another one. Some days I got more wasted than others... just enough to not have to feel and I'd end up passing out on the couch. So, Thursday, we bought a bunch of liquor, made drinks, watched a movie.. but I couldn't control myself. I made one drink. and then another... and then I don't remember anything. I apparently wouldn't listen to reason, (what drunk person does?), and got really messed up..... I don't know why I couldn't let myself stop. but I didn't. and I ended up puking everywhere, and passing out. Friday I was so hungover, I couldn't do anything all day. I was embarrassed, and not thinking very highly of myself, fighting urges to SI all day. I can't believe I put my friend in that position, because she was scared, and didn't know how to deal with me. Friday night, I woke up in the middle of the night still feeling urgy, and just said screw it. So I cut. And it sucks. So I'm just trying to process all of this right now, figure out where to go from here....


I'll probably come and post more later. I think I'm getting to the point where I'm ready to face this, but just need to figure out how to move forward right now.

[childofchaos831]

Reading and caring. Nothing of substance to say tho.

Coffee