Things Left Unsaid *LA* v. 6

[breathing]

I don't know what in the hell I'm supposed to say if I am to ask for support from you. You should stop asking 'what is wrong' if you really think that reconsidering psychiatric help is some kind of a joke. It took a lot for me to even respond, but now this?

[Spidey]

This is one of those times where I am truly not sure if you are just that fucking ignorant, or just a complete and total asshole. I'll err on the side of the former, since you are a good person, but for God's sake PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS.

[PokemonGeek]

Dear AS,

There is so much bitterness you have caused me and I have some things I'd like to say to you. All through high school, you acted all conceited and arrogant and acted as if no one except those in your clique mattered. I DID try to be nice for about a year and a half but YOU had to act all b****y towards me and with your friends, block my path to get on class on time and THEN mock me and rub it in my face about how I was "late." And then you always told me no one cared about what I had to say or even me for that matter. Do you even know what it feels like to be told this every day whenever you had something to say? And you wondered why I was so miserable when you wanted to "talk" to me and I pushed you away. You have absolutely no idea what I had to endure for years. Not only was I overshadowed by not one but TWO people, you ruined my self-esteem and made me want to end it all by committing SU. Do you know what it's like to constantly imagine that people would throw a huge party if you dropped dead just because they were all happy you were gone? Or what it feels like to SI for so long that parts of your body go numb and you continue to SI even longer because you believe you deserve to suffer and be punished? Or you aren't good enough or even special enough for people to like you? No because you were too self-absorbed to even notice that I kept saying that people would be better off if I was gone. I saw on Facebook that you recently had a baby. I feel bad for the kid. Any kid raised by YOU will turn out to be a horrible person too. I sometimes wonder if I am a bad person for wanting something REALLY horrible happen to you. You having a family and a job and being married make me sick! You also have no idea what it's like to be constantly be abandoned by everyone you meet. I don't think it's even right for YOU to be so happy and have all these wonderful things while I keep suffering and living without those things. I hope someday you get hit by lightning or get your arm ripped off. I may be a terrible person for wanting such things to happen to someone else but at least I didn't destroy someone else's entire life to the point of near SU like YOU did. You should be happy that I never went through with SU but then again you'd probably be too self-absorbed to feel any guilt. And even if you DID somehow decide to apologize to me, I will refuse to accept it and tell you to "f*** off." You know why? Because sometimes an apology is too late since the damage someone has done is too much to be fixed with "i'm sorry." "Sorry" won't undo some of the harm I have done to myself nor give me the chance to redo high school again. I had given you a chance to apologize to me back then and YOU never said sorry and continued to act like a complete b****.

[Annybelly]

I am not okay, and I am not happy, and I would like some attention and some help please. Can I escape to yours sooner rather than later? I could really use a hug.

I am not happy at home I miss you and I miss having people like you. People here say different, meaner, things. I don't know how to reconcile those with what you say. I don't know how to get through these weeks. I certainly don't know how to get through it without harming myself a lot and just giving up on the things you've been trying to show me. I don't want to give up on them, but I don't know how to survive here alongside what you've said. I am a sad thing, and a pathetic thing.

[Kaleb]

Please stop fucking with my head .. You've never been fair and you're still not being. What do you get out of these sick twisted games?

[StarChild]

To someone in my family...

I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I wish I could go back in time and take it all back. I wish I could go back and reach out for help before things got so bad. I wish I hadn't put you through so much. Seeing our house of cards collapse over and over again, faster than we could repair...it must have been so hard for you. Back then I only thought of myself and how much I was hurting. I never thought about how much I hurt you.

I'm alive and so much better today, and I wish I could show you that. I'm pushing myself (gently) to get better, and every day I see a little improvement. My sponsor says I get better every week. My AA friends - they're awesome, you'd love them, wonderful quirky people - say that I'm nothing like I was when I first got to the rooms. They say I have a brightness to me now. I never thought I'd be "bright."

Today I ate 3 solid meals and it's panic-inducing but I'm so proud of myself. I haven't cut in almost 2 months. I haven't had a drink or a drug in two and a half years. I haven't been suicidal in three years. All of this has been hard to achieve, but with the help of wise friends, good doctors, a fantastic sponsor, and of course you guys supporting me on the sidelines...it's happening.

I'm sorry for what I put you through. Nobody, NOBODY should ever have to deal with the things you had to deal with, and certainly not at such a young age. I'm so proud of you for coming through that OK. No, you're better than OK; you're brilliant, and you definitely have a "brightness" to you. I'm so proud of you for all your accomplishments, and I wish you all the best in the future.

Thank you for inviting me to your graduation. You may not know how much that means to me. Just knowing that you actually want me there when you graduate...it's enough to bring happy tears to my eyes. I wish I could express all this to you. You'll have to forgive me if I cry when I see you graduate. It's just that...well, my eyes have been opened to what I did to you, and the fact that you WANT me to be part of such an event is a huge gift to me.

We've come so far, and I know we'll both continue to grow and change and learn. Maybe we'll be close again someday; maybe not. I hope we will.

I'm so proud of you, and I love you so much. Stay strong.

[Kaleb]

You're a huge fucking pain in my arse .. How dare you think you can be such a freaking asshole to me and my girlfriend .. You did this all through school you should have grown up by now .. You were a twat to my partner then don't you DARE think you can be the same to my baby now .. I'm happy we have a family .. If you can't cope with that .. Get the fuck out of my life because you're nothing if you won't accept her.

[Eva]

I'm sorry. Meeting you has triggered something I have forgotten and it makes me do and say stupid and mean things. I'm trying to test you...to push you away just to see if you can handle me. And I know it will end like all the other times...that you will get tired of me and end it. And I don't blame you. I understand. I know I'm difficult to be with. I want you to know that I'm so sad right now. I get so insecure, and I don't like myself like this. So just end it now, because dragging this on will just only it worse.

[Spidey]

Hey,

If it is you...damn boy, you got fat. But you are obviously happy, you are obviously loved. And though I want nothing more in the world than to be with you, if you are happy there, and you make someone's life whole and happy, then that is all I could ask for. Knowing you are alive and well is enough.

Would I love to take you home? OH GOD YES.
Would I love to give you EBR? YES.
Would I love to introduce you to Bubs? YES.
Would I love to hear you purr in my ear again? Destroy shit? YES.

But greyest of the grey men, if it is you, and you have a new family and babies who love you, who am I to take you away from them, who am I to have to explain something like that, especially if it is to a child.

We'll just have to have some kind of custody arrangement.

Please be grey man

[Just Pomegranates]

Omg you can't say I didn't give you warning this time and you're still having a shitty about me going to another live show. These are obviously something that I enjoy a lot and mean a lot to me and are a thing that will continue to happen and you're just unbelievable every time another show comes up when it's really not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things.

Get some perspective and get a fucking life.

[[iamacliche]]

you've turned into such a bully since taking this job, you're finally showing your true colours. i'm starting to hate you.

[treasure]

outwardly i'm fine, inwardly i'm a mess. if i talk about it, i'm scared of feeling everything and getting overwhelmed so i just can't, at least not yet. i feel like i'm lying but i guess you know i'm not really ok or i wouldn't be in the place where i am staying right now. i hope i will be able to truthfully say i'm ok by the time i leave.

[Spidey]

I simply do not understand how you can behave in the manner you did and NOT expect any repercussions. You said, and did, some truly awful things and you have the nerve to ask how I am?

What you did was unacceptable. Absolutely unacceptable. I don't know if you are going to be able to come back from this. I federally don't know. You need to get yourself sorted and then maybe I will consider putting this behind me, but you have fundamentally changed the playing field on this one, and what you did, combined with the "Burger shit" comment, was vile.

I don't know where to go from here. I am torn and very confused, but most of all I am not hurt but wounded. I have a lot of thinking to do and some hard decisions to make.

[bearcat]

Ugh, why did you have to say that? Because it sticks in my head as something that someone else would say to me and I don't even understand why- I'm guessing it was just thoughtless fun-making. This is exactly the kind of thing that's a minor trigger. I don't want to have triggers anymore. If he wasn't right, then you aren't right.

[bearcat]

You don't want to hear my understanding of your complex situation. You don't want to hear how I feel or what I think about this. You don't want to hear me reflect on my life and what I'm going to do next.

You just want to get away from me and this stressful subject and not engage with it.

You're completely emotionally unavailable and have nothing at all to offer. But you hung around today and offered comments on my stuff, even though it was clear that I didn't want you there.

You have nothing, nothing at all for me. If I'm uncomfortable, you just mirror my feelings. You generate no emotion of your own in relation to me. We are so dead.

I don't know what makes you think that I should be your friend. You have nothing to offer. It's not just that you won't be emotionally available to me because there's something wrong with me. Or at least I don't want to believe that. But I do believe that there is someone. And that you will move on asap because the stuff about exhaustion and stress is just about me.

You were a coward towards me. I'm just not that scary. But I'm not going to hang around with you and point that out, like it carries any credibility. You're a huge fuck up. And now my anger towards you is another scary thing about me.

More shit that you can file away to regard me as unsuitable, crazy etc.

So in the end you did to me what the worst people do. Used my emotions against me.

[bearcat]

Going to see you soon. Hope that this can be fun. Hope that you'll feel good to be amongst people and that we'll find our level of getting along. Hoping that we'll have some 'just us' moments and that parting ways will be painless. Hoping that your guard is down but that you're not anxiously showboating. Just that you're even and comfortable.

Hope that I'm even and comfortable too. Hope that I feel like I'm not being pushed away or that this isn't a mistake. Hope that I'm doing what I can to be happier and forward looking and content.

[SomeOneElse]

You will never understand how much you truely hurt me. You continue to hurt me each time you do not think about your actions and words. You say you still still love me and alway will...but how can i believe that if you keep going back to her. Three times isn't enough. How is it that every time i come to this town you just happen to find a way to get here too. There is no FUCKING way that's a coincidence!?!?!

I want you in my life...and you cause pain. I want you out of my life...and you still cause pain. I don't need anything else for my brain to battle itself about. Please stop.

Grow up and be an adult. Get you shit together. Stop expecting everyone to do everything fo you. You have clearly shown you can do things for youself. so continue to DO IT!

I hate your guts and love you to pieces at the same time. Will this ever change?!?!

[Selene]

I feel like no one is listening to me. I just don't want to teach anymore.

[Spidey]

I MISS YOU

[bearcat]

I told you that I think that you think I am stupid. My failure is probably incredibly unattractive, and you want to get away from me as a person.

Recreating usual circumstances. But you said that you don't compare me to other people.

In my head, I worry that you only find success attractive. That you can't care about someone who fails. (I mean, if this is the case, there's something very wrong with you).

So maybe you don't compare me, but you also can't be close to me because I'm a failure.

A needs monster, a failure and an emotional dramatist. All that stuff leaking out of my pores. I am scary, scary, scary. I can dwell in the dark on my own time. But I can also be available and good to go when called upon.

Best thing I can do is not spill this all over. If I am any of this stuff, it just makes it seem true, to both you and I. If I act as if things are good and I'm alright, then things are. If I use the people whose emotional security I envy as models, then I can just be like them.

Of course smart, successful, together is attractive. It shouldn't be any other way. I guess I wish that it wasn't about this kind of initial emotional attraction stuff. I wish that we had a foundation, that you loved me. That I had some how proved myself to not be crazy, or that you could tolerate the crazy. But I know you can't.

You distanced yourself on the basis of crazy questions like that. On the basis of the usual onslaught of sadness and questions. All the avalanche of need.

You should be more tolerant, you shouldn't need someone to be perfectly secure. But I should also be ten times more secure. You should be able to feel things toward me, even if I'm imperfect.