Things Left Unsaid *LA* v. 6

[disastercake]

What the fuck is your problem, you stupid ass hole! You act like a complete ass hole and make things way harder than they need to be!!! You get mad at ONE FUCKING PERSON and the take it out on everybody else!! If you acted like a normal human being you life would be a lot less negative and difficult. You bring this shit on yourself and then want to play the fucking victim!! If someone acted like this and you watched them you would talk about how fucking stupid they are but you seem to be able to twist it around so it's all justified in your little peabrain when you do it. GROW THE FUCK UP!!! YOU'RE ALMOST FIFTY YEARS OLD AND SHOULD HAVE THIS SHIT FIGURED OUT BY NOW!!

[bearcat]

I wish, for even a few minutes, you could feel what it's like to be me.

Maybe then you'd know how trapped I feel, and how confused I am. How none of my emotions even make sense. How I "get something out of" little by little killing myself. How it's oddly satisfying.

Maybe you'd get a sense of how much humiliation I've eaten over the years.

How I hoped that intimacy would work at some point, how I wished that anything involving people would one day just seem right. I kept thinking, why not? Why can't things be okay?

That's what I thought with you, and I acted in good faith, and you weren't there. You never wanted to be there. And now everything is supposed to be okay, because you've shown up in a different form, since then.

Maybe then you'd understand why I can't see a solution. You'd understand why just walking away is one of my fantasies. Because maybe I don't have to have these problems anymore, if I just step away from trying to be with people in any close way.

You'd understand that closeness still feels wrong. That maybe it always will, and that is for me to make the best of. Because I am out of ideas about how to effectively get on top of these problems or fight them, or how to change my long-lived responses when that's just what's always in front of me. I always make the same map, I always trace the same pattern, and it always feels the same when, even when I am trying to do something completely different.

You ask me to draw a horse, and I show you the horse that I have worked on, that I am convinced I have drawn, and you say 'that's not a horse' and I realize it's not, so I draw another horse and I proudly present it to you, but you say 'it's still not a horse.' And I can't figure out why it never comes out as a horse, because all the while I'm intending a horse and putting down the lines that look right to me. But it never comes out right, and the changes that I make as I am drawing never change the overall picture.

[Spidey]

i shouldn't look at pictures of smoke while listening to vale decem. i really shouldn't.

[Spidey]

Your behaviour is completely unprofessional. Completely.

You can't jerk people around and leave them in limbo like this. You really can't. I've waited a MONTH to get an answer and you just keep putting me off. "I don't know, I'll tell you in a few weeks" is no longer acceptable. You either tell me tomorrow or take me out of consideration, because this is not just unprofessional but also incredibly rude. It puts a bad feeling about how things are done and run, and while I by no means expect perfection, I do expect professionalism.

[disastercake]

Don't act like you want to be my friend and then not respond when I try to text you or message you on facebook. Don't be a bitch. And if you're going to be a bitch at least do it outright and be like "I don't want to be friendly anymore because you won't tell me what B is doing now and you defended him." Be fucking honest you fake bitch.

[treasure]

You couldn't wait two fucking minutes while I started making my lunch and you switched tv programs to something you are fully aware I didn't want to watch and then get pissy when I go in the other room and forget about the cup of tea you made me?! You are so impatient, you act like it's a big deal to wait for a minute, why are you so fucking childish?

[PokemonGeek]

You will never have to deal with me again after this Monday. I am not going to try to commit *S* but I promise that you'll never have to see me again because I have no reason to come back. I just hope you know that by abandoning me the way you did made my entire life come undone.

[PokemonGeek]

I don't wanna hurt anymore....

[Stawberry_Lollipops]

^^^ Hope you are okay *hugs* (if okay) ^^^

Why? Just why do you have to have something wrong with you ALL the time? Why?

[treasure]

j, can you give me a lift to the dr? because i don't think i will go if it's just up to me.

a, i'm depressed, as in - clinically, seriously, and it's not something i can ignore any more. i can't just make myself feel better or use the coping techniques you use. i think i need to go on meds. i feel like a burden, or like i might be a burden. i feel like mental illness is a weakness, or at least you seem to see it that way and i don't want to feel your scorn. it's not just a bit of screwed up thinking like everyone has to some extent, i'm mentally not okay and my whole physiology is changed by this illness.

g, please help. i don't know if talking can really help but it might. i'm really afraid to trust you and talk openly because in my experience so far you don't usually help in the short term. it's making me feel really alone to not be able to talk to you.

[Stawberry_Lollipops]

i am ok... thank you for the hugs ness

Glad you're okay >>> here's some more hugs anyway, just because

Right now I hate you. You don't understand, you just think you do. You think you know everything when in fact you don't.

Right now I want to slap you. Maybe it will knock some fucking sense into you.

You never consider how people may feel, you don't think before you speak. You don't take mine or anyone else's feelings into consideration because only yours matter of course.

I don't think you realise how bad things are. Or you're in denial. It's all right in front of your face, all the signs and warnings are there and you still can't see.

I wish you could live inside my head for a day. Maybe then you would get it. Maybe then you would be more compassionate, more understanding.

How the hell can you tell me I can't go back to hospital again? I'm suicidal and sick and you're seriously telling me I can't seek that kind of treatment. Just because you're my mother does not give you the right to tell me how I go about looking after myself and my health. I am 23 years old, an adult, no longer a child. You are too controlling. Just too damn controlling for your own good.

You'll never change. And I still grieve for the mother you used to be when I was a child. I can't accept that piece of you is gone. I can't accept it's never coming back. I want my mum back.

[noldo]

^^ *hugs if okay, Ness*

It is really awful that you are putting more pressure on me than my parents does. You're my sister ffs not my Mom.

[PokemonGeek]

I'll remember the way you changed me was by you being my friend and then changed me again when you abandoned me.

[Spidey]

I found what would be for us the awesomest place on the planet. But you're not here to go with me.

[Stawberry_Lollipops]

Things are never going to get better so what's the point anymore?

[PokemonGeek]

I hope life treats you kind. And I hope you have all you've dreamed of. And I wish to you, joy and happiness. And I hope you know that you've broken someone so much that getting back together again both mentally and emotionally is very tough on a person.

[Stawberry_Lollipops]

Why?! Just why couldn't it have fucking worked?!

[Spidey]

You are fucking stupid. Every time I think you could not be more fucking retarded you create a new event horizon of HURR DURR RETARD. This time, it's an event horizon that could be really fucking expensive because you refuse to remember when certain (VERY IMPORTANT) things are told to you.

I wish I could beat the stupid out of you. Seriously. It took everything I had to not just scream at you about how fucking retarded you are but also to not punch you as hard as I possibly could. If this costs money, it's yours, not mine. I'm not taking responsibility for the fact that you're DUMB AS FUCK. I'm not doing shit because you're fucking dumb as hell and can't listen.

This is your circus, and your monkeys, you FUCKING stupid dumbass. You IDIOT. How fucking brain-dead could you be to not heed VERY SIMPLE DIRECTIONS?!

I cannot believe you. Unbelievable. FUCK.

[Stawberry_Lollipops]

You weren't even going to say you love me. You're that angry? Just because I'm sick and wanted to end my life?

[Birdie]

I am scared to see you tomorrow after all this time.

I have a feeling I'll be walking straight into the unwelcome reality that absolutely NOTHING has changed.

Do you really think I WANT to be like this?