Things Left Unsaid *LA* v. 6

[Stawberry_Lollipops]

Why did I not do the job properly? Why couldn't it just of worked? Why am I so obsessed with doing this?
I know the way I'm thinking is bad and I need help, I recognise that but apart of me so desperately wants to avoid help.

[Birdie]

You make it awful hard NOT to love you.

Stop it.

[Butterfly.]

Just... You have no idea do you? I know you care and all, but I don't think its even crossed your mind about how it is making me feel, and think. And you just keep on mentioning it. Just, fuck you.

[Spidey]

Dear Parent in the Parking Lot:

You're right. I'm not a parent. I don't know what it's like to have children of my own, especially several of them. But when I notice one of them run off into the middle of a very busy parking lot, I'm going to call your attention to it. Not because I'm a dick, but because I don't want to see said kid get run over. So berating me and saying "I don't need some dumb boy to tell me to watch my kids" is a bit mind-bending, first because I'm not a boy, (if you would have looked up you would have realised appropriate gender), and second I'm not going to tell you to watch your kids - I'm just telling you that one of yours just ran out into the middle of the parking lot at a place where people are NOTORIOUS for not watching when they drive out or back up.

And whoa the hostility. He was out there for a couple of minutes before I finally spoke up and only said "Ma'am, your son's run off into the parking lot." Well fuck me for being nice. And fuck you too.

[awkward-shark]

You may not realice this, and you think you do what you do for our own good, but you've already damaged my self-steem and you're damaging hers too. Just please listen to yourself and stop.

[Birdie]

You don't really see me, do you?

[[iamacliche]]

i don't know what to do about us anymore. i hate being made to feel bad because you think i don't want you anymore. you make it all about you. it's not my fault i'm not the person i was when we met. we've been together a long time. my job makes it hard for me to want anything intimate when i'm so tired. but you just see it as me not finding you attractive anymore.

i'm so confused.

[Birdie]

I miss you. Dearly. Every hour of every day. But I don't want you to know that. I don't want you to have any leverage. Because I know I'd just fall right back in and you would too. I'm having to be stronger now than I've had to be in quite some time. It's exhausting and painfully raw. I know this is what's best, I just wish it hadn't come to this. God this hurts and I'm tired and just.....fuck.

[desperateforgrace]

You are the guy in my head described in the song "Everything You Want". Her too, except substitute "he" for "she".

[Butterfly.]

All you seem to care about it whether I am going to this thing today or not. You don't seem care that I haven't left my room, or gotten out of bed today, except briefly. You don't seem to consider what that means about my current headspace, or even question why. You haven't even said "are you okay?". And when I do say something about feeling like you only care whether I go today, is "you locked yourself away". Considering I make an effort to at least move to the lounge room even when I feel crappy, doesn't it tell you something when I don't?
I don't get you. And I feel like you don't care about me.

[awkward-shark]

Everything you say, everytime you speak, I can only hear "you're not good enough, I don't love you, be more like this and less than you".
Everytime you speak I say "how stupid to think you'd actually care if I died".

[Spidey]

i want my boy back.

[disastercake]

I wish I could ask you for a hug, just one hug to feel that connection to people again. People besides T, because I used to have friends who hugged and now I'm just lonely.

[Jamas]

No, actually, I don't care what you have to say either. You make nice eye candy, and you're.convenient, but that's it.

[Just Pomegranates]

I can't believe what a horrible little bitch my youngest sister has turned into. Pretty much every time she talks to me these days it's like my mother's words are coming out.

It's disgusting and really sad as well that she can't see what a copy of a nasty person she's become.

[desperateforgrace]

No, I can't ask work to change my schedule just to suit you. Work is strict about decreasing availability. And frak you for saying I don't care about you. It's not that I don't care. It's just that I don't want to lose my only steady job since forever and want to be full time for once. Frak you for saying you do all this shit for me and then want to take it all away! Frak. you.

[treasure]

J - can i please come to your place tomorrow? i don't feel all that safe on my own right now. i don't want you to worry - to me si urges are a blip that happen often. i wish i could talk to you about how i really feel without feeling like i'm going to set off the "si bomb" and have you scared for me, thinking i'm going to be out of control and needing medical attention for cuts. i won't.

S - what the fuck? i need stability, you think that would be something everyone would like, so why did you go and pull the rug from under me?! me working less hours seemed like it would be useful to my boss as well as useful to me, and then you let her push me out. i didn't want my work to end so suddenly, and i was feeling like i didn't want it to end at all - a small ongoing income, a current job making a good impression on my resume, a longer position adding a sense of stability both to my resume and to my life. i don't know if you and my boss agreed on this decision but it still feels like you did something wrong, you should've told me as soon as it happened, or discussed it with me in person, with or without my boss there.

G - i hope you respond to my email asap. i'm probably going to send another one this weekend if i can't get my emotions under control. it sounded like you knew very well that it wasn't fair to tell me on a friday night not to go to work on monday but that you didn't have a choice. please ask me a lot of questions in my appt on wed, and *please* pay attention, if i si and/or keep feeling crazy over the next few days i might have a lot of trouble expressing that. i will do the stuff i usually do - not making eye contact, making my own black humour or self-deprecating jokes, not knowing where to start a conversation. i'm hurting and i'm scared and if you can't pick up on it, i'll be alone for another 2 weeks, or at least mostly alone.

[TheRockingHorse]

Considering the circumstances, considering my deteriorating emotional state, I did the best that I could to tell you to leave me alone. You changed the state of the safe space I thought that I had and then you refused to get out of it despite all of my signals that that was exactly what you should do. You ruined it, and all I want to do is scream and throw things, because I just lost the one place where I could feel things, have thoughts, and be heard without any judgement and have someone actually listen. To have someone to actually trust. You hurt me so so badly. And I don't know what to do. I feel so lost again. I don't understand why you didn't leave me alone. Why didn't you just leave me alone...

[treasure]

you brought up self-harm today, g, why? the whole appt (the whole day) i've been thinking about it but i just talked like it wasn't an issue. i wish you had asked a follow-up question, or told me that you picked up on the urges in other things i said. i am really struggling with urges still, i don't think i can cope on my own. if i si, i don't know if i can tell you for a while, i don't want you to think the appt was a trigger (it wasn't) or that you could've helped (even if that is what i currently feel).

[disastercake]

You won't die alone. You'll always have me because I love you almost as much as I love T, and if he goes before you I hope you'll still be my good friend.