Things Left Unsaid *LA* v. 6

[Birdie]

He's not who any of you think he is, but it's looking like I'm the only one who'll ever know that. I've seen the side of him that'd make your jaw drop. And I still struggle to understand how so much bad and so much good could coexist like that....I pride myself in being one who can read people well, but I'll be honest, I do NOT understand him.

He scares me....

[Licentia Poetica]

I love you, and I tell you all the time. What's left unsaid is you'll never understand how amazing it is for me to be in this place where I am happy and loved, because there is no way to explain to you how far I've come.

[PokemonGeek]

Dear JT,

I hate you. You are a HORRIBLE person for what you did to me. I hope karma hits you SOOOOOOOOOOOOO bad! You deserve to suffer more severely than I can put into words. If you were ever captured by Jigsaw and were put into a death trap, I'd actually pay to watch you suffer and mostly likely place bets on your failure.

[Alexander]

D&J, you lie about money. You've lied to me my entire life. You deprive me of things I need and give me things I don't want and then rinse and repeat. You spend too much, freak out and then I have to pay. You justify depriving me of what I need. You withhold love and acceptance and substitute food and material objects.

Having a child without receiving help, education and therapy to work through your child abuse issues and getting real marriage counseling was, I feel, one of the most selfish and sadistic things you ever did. I wish you had given me up for adoption. I wish you had beaten me and given me physical evidence of what you were doing to me instead of destroying my sense of self and making me responsible for taking care of myself way too young and then criticizing and blaming me for not doing it well enough.

I wish I could say ANYTHING to break you out of this vicious cycle of denial, attack, reversal of victim and offender, wake up and take the power you have to meet your own needs and address your own challenges. I wish I wasn't responsible for your feelings and your financial situation and anything you don't want to do or can't handle or fuck up.

J, you abused and neglected your body so badly you died behind the wheel, almost killing me and both my dogs. I had to resuscitate you, put my life on hold and take care of you and your wife and your friends while my life was falling apart and I was struggling with flashbacks and nightmares. That wreck you can't remember, I WILL NEVER FORGET.

You offer help and promises you only follow through with when it's convenient for you and then when it's not you blame me or financial circumstances you should have planned for before offering to help.

And when you offer to 'fix' things I haven't asked for help on it comes off as you judging parts of my life as unacceptable, and when you make dire fear-based predictions of what will happen if I DON'T accept your help you're emotionally blackmailing me. And if I do accept your help I have to pay for it later.

And when I tell you 'no,' or something you find hard to hear, and you go into a 'poor me' sulk and eventually I have to come crawling and apologize... or you ruminate and then later do something to deprive me of my basic needs or financially abuse me -- guess what, that's abuse, and that's why I fear you and don't trust you. You use your feelings to justify doing inhumane things to someone weaker than you. When I upset you, the gloves come off and you no longer can see that I have feelings or needs, your anger and shame and fear fill the world from edge to edge.

I believe you are afraid I will leave you, but out of that fear you do things that are driving me away, and you are blaming me for avoiding you when I have learned that contact with you is only hurtful, threatening and abusive. You don't listen, you defend, you make excuses, you justify and then you punish. You ignore and dismiss me and my feelings like I'm a puppet.

Hypnotizing someone without their consent is abuse. Forced high colonics on an underage person is abuse. Leaving your child with an abuser and a convicted felon is abuse. Removing your child from school at eleven and then telling her to educate herself without allowing her access to structure, resources and goals is abuse. Demanding repeatedly that a person with a fifth-grade education just 'go to college' is not only unreasonable it's irresponsible and abuse.

When you don't take responsibility for the consequences of your choices, words and actions, those consequences don't go away. When you deny someone else the right to expression of those feelings, they don't go away. When you invalidate someone else's experiences or thoughts or beliefs they don't go away.

The person does.

Ten years from now I see you sitting and staring at the floor, and you don't know where your only child is and you haven't heard from her in years and she changed her number and you have no way to find her, and you wish with all your heart you could go back in time and change things. And then an angel appears and says, "I will grant your wish. I will send you back in time to when you could change things, but YOU have to figure out what to do and then you have to do it, and it will be hard and uncomfortable and even painful at times, and you're going to feel the urge to give up over and over and go back to doing what you've always done. And if you do, this will be the future you have, and you will have no one to blame but yourself. Are you sure you want to do this?" And you say, "Yes, yes, anything!!" And the angel sends you back to right now. What do you do?

...And yet I think it's already too late, and for me forgiveness is going to mean letting go of any hope that you'll ever look in the mirror and make that change, and moving on. I feel like hope is a bad habit you've abused in me for years.

I. Can't. Change. This. Not without you taking up the slack, stopping feeling sorry for yourself, taking responsibility, growing up, accepting that the way things are is not the way you think they are or want them to be. I want you to love you first and best, and understand that love is not attachment or need or want, is not what you have been calling 'love' all these years. Love is accepting, being present, listening, honoring and respecting our differences and strengths.

Love is so much better than what you have. You are the two most unhealthy, negative, judgmental people I know and you have an unhealthy, negative, judgmental daughter who wants to be different but keeps getting stuck in your quagmire of unhealthy, negative, judgmental patterns.

My strength is not a resource for you to abuse. My money is not a resource for you to abuse. My attention, my compassion, my patience are not there for you to take advantage of. Money is not love, stuff is not love, food is not love.

I have been starving for real parents. Your only child is an orphan. I am starving for love and looking in the wrong places.

I wish I'd had a father who made it clear to my boyfriends that if they hurt his little girl he'd ruin them. I wish I'd had a father who, when people physically, sexually and psychologically abused me, rather than hypnotizing me and telling me to let go of my feelings, went out and screamed at them. I wish you'd screamed at the people who hurt me instead of screaming at me for crying.

You guys kept marrying each other, trying to get it right. I wish you'd stuck with getting divorced until you got it right and each married yourselves, learning to love, honor, and cherish yourselves in all your diversity. I wish you'd used your powerful intellect and curiosity and personalities as forces for self-change instead of controlling and abusing those weaker than you and setting that example for me.

You're sick. I mean you are sick, and you need help, and what you're doing isn't helping. And you're afraid of help, and I've been afraid of help because I've had some awful help too, but if you want something to change, help is what you need. You don't know what will work, and neither do I, but if you want to fix your lives then look for what works and stop spying on me and looking for new ways to project your problems onto me and punish me for them.

When you found out you were bipolar and took me aside and told me it's genetic, I think you were setting it up so you could punish me for behaviors that you didn't like in yourself, and reinforcing that I'm crazy and broken for reasons I can't do anything about. Why didn't you get treatment?!

Abusers justify and rationalize. Abusers aren't Snidley Whiplash moustache-twirling caricatures. Abusers abuse. If someone is living in fear, it's abuse. You don't get to decide if what you do to someone else is abuse. If you hurt someone else, and you invalidate what they say and justify your behavior and turn around and do it again, I have a shiny certificate for you that says 'world-class abuser,' and whether or not you accept it, that's reality.

And no, you don't get to hurt me because I 'did something bad to you in a past life.' You are not a Lord of Karma free to dole out judgment and punishment in the name of 'love' and 'for your own good.'

I don't want a power washing or eight hundred dollars of fixing something unnecessary or thousands of dollars for my dog's cataract surgery or DVDs or books or gift certificates or fresh figs. I want paid therapy that you promised me countless times growing up and then reneged on -- but more than that I want you to take care of your own problems, get a financial advisor, get a budget, and get your judgment and control out of our interactions.

Also I want my frakking childhood back.

Have a nice day.

~Holly

[Spidey]

Jesus fucking Christ I miss you. I miss you so much.

[Birdie]

You're not wasting your breath and you never were. I can remember everything you've ever said to me, every word of advice, every piece of encouragement. I did and do hear you. And I appreciate you more than you'll ever know.

Please don't give up on me? I'm starting to see it.

[TheRockingHorse]

No I don't have any questions for you, but I'd like to say that I'm terrified. I'm terrified that you're saying that it's all my fault. I'm terrified that my life has not been bad enough for my emotions to matter. I'm terrified that my little house of cards will collapse while I'm hundreds of miles away, and there won't be any one to pick up the pieces because I don't even know you. I don't know anyone here. I'm scared, but I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired, but mostly I'm scared. While not wanting to SU is hardly being happy, it's better than being SU. So how are you going to protect me? Why is this going to work? I don't understand this trust you talk about.

[treasure]

please stop, i can't understand the point of what you mean to be saying. the only things i can hear are "you aren't good enough", "you aren't trying enough", "you need to be more positive and hopeful even if that isn't realistic". i know that isn't what you mean, you are trying to help and trying to be supportive. i don't know what to ask for, i don't know how you can help. i am not hopeful about this, i want people to tell me it's going to be ok, that trying is good, that i'm smart enough to figure it out, that i will find the path to what i want slowly, surely, continuing the positive journey of the past few years. you have no idea how fragile my mental health is. you have no idea that being good now, i'm still a few weeks of a stressful job, or finding out we have to move and i can't afford it, away from a complete breakdown. stress is not just something i've pathologised and made a boogieman - i really can't handle the things you can handle. i can't rely on you for money, it's not dignified, it's not sensible. if the money i can scrape together is not enough i will ask you for some, and i know you are willing to help, but it needs to be something i can pay back, and not just to buy random things i can do without.

[WalkingStick]

I'm glad you are leaving and I am not sorry for feeling that way. You should have left months ago. Working with you these last 2 years has tried every nerve in my body. I feel somewhat guilty in being happy with your retirement, but I think I feel guilty because I feel as though I should be expected to be sad about it. But I'm not. I've hated working with you.


------


Why won't you ever fucking call me. Any of you. Why do I have to be the one to reach out every time. Am I a bother to you when I call? When I just call to chat and not for any substantial reason? Don't you miss me, too? I miss all of you but is it really not a two way street here? Really? Your little sister doesn't matter enough to you to pick up your damn phone and call her? I love you all but it's starting to hurt.

--------

Thank you for the birthday cd. Your note meant more to me than you'll ever know. To know that the CD made you think of me. You thought of me! Maybe you haven't forgotten about your little sister afterall. But a phone call would still be nice. Did you know that only one person called me on my birthday? Your wife, actually, so that your sons could sing me songs.
But you thought of me, and it made me smile. Thank you.

[Alexander]

I feel more than you deserve.

You are incapable of empathy.

I don't even pity you;

You son of a bitch.

[Butterfly.]

Help me I'm not safe

[Spidey]

please come home please please please

[wolfstar]

*SU I know you love me and that's why you want to keep me here. But it isn't fair. I want to die but you aren't letting me. You're making me feel like it's my responsibility to stay alive just so you won't feel bad. I hate you for it. I don't like being here and I don't want to be here. Please don't make me stay anymore.

[Alexander]

I would love it if for once in my life you couldn't see any part of any choice I was making so I could do what I want, what feels good without thinking of you or how to explain it to you. You frakking smegheads.

Also: you keep using the word 'love' -- I do not think it means what you think it means.

Also: frak you. I know I said it before but I feel it more. You forced me into so much that was not appropriate and I will never forgive you. You have taught me the bad side of forgiveness. You have never been sorry enough to change or make it up to me. Your words are empty; frak you.

Love,
Holly

[Birdie]

I can understand your skepticism, but I really wish I could show you how much I've changed.....how different I am now compared to then. I wouldn't let you down, and I take those responsibilities VERY seriously. I know you wouldn't be disappointed if you'd give me a chance.....but I suppose there's always next time.

--------

I saw your soft side once, and he's a great guy. Why don't you let him out more often? You just come off as the negative, overcritical, emotionless father type that I can't get an ounce of love from. Do I have to be suffering in order to get you to care?

(^Not my actual father, to clarify)

[TheRockingHorse]

Don't you ever tell me again that you're going to kill yourself because you missed one question on a regular exam. Leave me alone. I'm not your mom. You are so shallow and naive that even small talk with you infuriates me. Mostly I'm hurting inside and you are in my space. And you don't respect any of my pain.

[awkward-shark]

L, I hate when you say it's my fault to feel this way and my fault to not talking about it. If I don't talk to you about it is because you say stupid things like "the internet thought you this". Actually, I just don't know how to talk about anything, it's nothing personal, but you are so busy all the time I feel it's pointless.

A, lately you are the only one I can freely talk about what's going on. I know you have big problems too and I wish I could be always available for you. I care.

J, you are the reason I decided to change. Sometimes I think about how would life be if I hadn't met you and it terrifies me like you have no idea. I love you so much it's impossible.

[Spidey]

You tell me to not hold things inside, yet you act like an I'm an inconvenience when I try to tell you.

Fuck you. And you expect me to be supportive of you.

[awkward-shark]

I can't believe what you've done. Just when I most need you, you leave. You say you care for me but all you've done is make me feel like the unestable useless never good enough piece of crap everybody else ALREADY makes me feel I am. I guess I'll never be good, I'll never get trough this and I don't know if I'll be able to forgive you.

[TheRockingHorse]

Thanks for leading me on for a whole night and then leaving me for someone else in the 2 minutes it took me to check my phone. I wasn't expecting a relationship but damn, have some respect.